Saddened at Church

One of my children is away, and so, it was myself, my wife, and my other children at home. My son is rather difficult to manage on a day to day basis, so we haven’t really pushed him in the church. He is 10, and never wants to go to church. Said he doesn’t want the priesthood because he doesn’t want to have to pass the sacrament.

Well, today, we went back to the Ward we attended when I was a Bishopric member. It brought back so many memories. One thing I have learned about myself is that my testimony ignites when I am around committed Mormons. Not people who just show up to meetings, but the doers in the Ward. You can tell a Ward that is a “doing Ward” by the strength of its programs. and announcements, and the quality of the talks. I felt this flare of desire to go back to the way I used to me.

And then, one of the leaders’ sons got up and gave a mission farewell talk It filled me with so many conflicting feelings today. On one hand, I made huge sacrifices to serve a mission, and benefited from it at the time. I wouldn’t mind seeing my sons serve a mission given that tradition and history. At the same time, I don’t see it in the cards unless my oldest makes some kind of critical attitude change or change in personality. I also felt this feeling of tension as he’d expect me to go to the temple with him, etcetera. For a minute, I found myself buying into the whole status thing in the church — the chest thumping regarding “All my sons and daughters are active and married in the temple — all my sons served missions” etcetera. That quickly left when I realized that it was born out of status and culture. But the conflict over the other feelings I expressed here remained.

Anyway, I feel a bit conflicted today.