Accused of trying to convince myself the Church isn’t true

1. My TBM wife does not know what sites I visit, etc. I’m not spending time on porn sites, but she doesn’t even know I participate here. Likewise, I don’t know what sites she visits (although she does seem to spend a lot of time on Facebook). I don’t consider this keeping secrets from each other, it’s just the way it is in a society where we have multiple devices capable of reaching the internet at any given moment. I guess what I’m saying is don’t advertise what you’re doing. If she polices your activity you have another problem not solvable here.

2. I have not told my wife very much at all about my changed beliefs because it upsets her. She knows I believe in God and Jesus, for instance, but she has no clue what my beliefs about them actually are. She knows I believe Joseph Smith when he says he had a vision, she does not know I don’t believe much of the other stuff he said. Your wife obviously knows something about your transition or you wouldn’t be here asking these questions. My advice is to not say more than you need to, but I’m married to my wife, not yours.

My wife told me yesterday that it looks to her as if I am trying to convince myself that the Church is not true.

People are FAMOUS for inferring motives when they see behavior they don’t like. When I was investigating the church, it took me a year to commit. This is because I was waiting to feel the Spirit as I had as a non-member teenager when I prayed about the existence of God. And the Mormon revelation didn’t come for over a year — everyone got impatient.

During that time, members indicated “you KNOW it’s true, but just don’t want to commit”. So, I would not try to defend myself. I might comment — I’m not about to defend my motives, but I’ll tell you its not THAT [referring to the motive your wife is inferring].

a) I don’t feel good about hiding what I am reading from her, but I also don’t want to limit myself to church sources.

I always tell people to do a cost benefit analysis when it comes to family. Look at the benefits of reading non-lds literature openly, and then weigh the costs to your relationship. If the costs outweigh the benefits, read it in places when she’s not around. go to the library, read it at work, or after she’s gone to bed. I think everyone should have a private life even in marriage — outside interests that are independent of their family.

1. Have you had experience with a spouse or someone else wanting you to limit what you read to church materials, and do you have any advice about what to do?

At first my wife disagreed with the time I spent on STayLDS, as well as the book Mormon America (very objective treatment of the LDS church by non-member journalists). I just did it without grandstanding it to her,or doing it openly. She would often catch me doing it, but wouldn’t say much. I found I can’t broach the subjects I learn about from these reading experiences. So, I don’t use her as a sounding board or make it a discussion topic. She accuses me of trying to sway her own commitment when I do that, when I’m simply trying to share an important part of my life. It’s as if a force field goes up around her and she sees me as trying to detract from her own faith. So, keep it quiet, private, and get over whatever it is that makes you feel badly about having that corner of your life’s experience to yourself.

2. I think my wife’s view that I am trying to convince myself that the Church is not true may come from the fact that I haven’t told her very much about my changed beliefs. If you have a TBM spouse, how much do you tell them?

I would test the waters. Sift through StayLDS here for posts about people who “came out” to their spouses, and the range of what happened to them. Some, like cWald, found their wives actually agreed with them and were glad to be able to talk openly about it. Others sufferred threats of divorce. Have a discussion about the impact of people losing faith and its impact on marriage, and see what she says about it. It’s already pretty clear that she will likely act negatively,so you may even be able to forgo this test to each the right conclusion.

When I first told me wife I was sick of the church, she immediately talked divorce with me,until a local member convinced her that love should transcend church commitment.

The other thing I always recommend is to get in touch with your wife’s emotional needs. There are 10 generic ones and excellent Christian marriage counselor noticed after HUNDREDS of counseling sessions — financial support, conversation, affection, sexual fulfilment, family commitment, recreational companionship, attractive spouse, domestic support, etcetear. find out what is most important to your wife, and make an effort to do those things better than you do. There is an emotional needs questonnaire at http://www.marriagebuilders.com

For some reason (in my case, my wife) there seems to be an “equilibrium” model of marital relationships at work. If Chuch commitment is important to your wife, but she also values financial commitment, affection and conversation, then if you have to lessen your church commitment, find ways of strengthening the way you meet other needs.

Being more affectionate, doing better financially, and talking to her more than before you “came out”. This can encourage a strong marriage even in the face of religious crisis.

The other thing — i keep up all the appearances at church within reason. I do mark myself by wearing a blue shirt (this keeps the orthodox types away) if convenient, but I go to church, hold FHE, fund trips to Utah for Education Week, and BYU summer camps for my daughter, and support my son in cubs etctera. I also insist we go to church as a family, although I’ve been getting less and less successful with that lately, as even my wife’s commitment is waning due to the lack of acceptanec we feel in our non-=geographical ward we attend (a long story).

Anyway, that’s my two cents.

I don’t consider this keeping secrets from each other, it’s just the way it is in a society where we have multiple devices capable of reaching the internet at any given moment.

Good point, DarkJedi.

She felt something must be wrong and she asked persistently enough that I finally told her everything.

This is exactly what I have been going through. I like the idea of steering the conversation more towards feelings and emotions than my specific issues with the Church. I think that will go over better with my wife.

SilentDawning: Thank you for sharing your insights and guiding me to useful resources. I printed off the emotional needs questionnaire and showed it to my wife. She seems excited for us to both fill it out and talk about it.

I am a family man that goes to church on Sundays, lives the WoW and the law of chastity etc. I do these things because they are part of who I am – not because I believe God will punish me if I don’t.

This really resonates with me, Roy. I may steal some of your exact wording at some point as I try to reassure my wife.

I am a family man that goes to church on Sundays, lives the WoW and the law of chastity etc. I do these things because they are part of who I am – not because I believe God will punish me if I don’t.

That is a signature line item, or a journal entry, that bit of wisdom Roy. I think some of us crave independence from the church or even the shoulds that come from any source — to be our own agents, to act on the basis of what WE really think.

Thanks, Ray. I fear that my initial reaction was not helpful. Instead of validating her concern and her feelings, I just tried to reassure her that I have been very careful to use reliable sources for my study of church history and that I wasn’t trying to convince myself of anything. I just wanted to know the truth. In essence, I saw her concern as a problem to be fixed. Thank you for helping me step back and try to see things from her point of view. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced this whole process has been more painful for her than for me.

She needs your love and acceptance right now more than ever before – not criticism and dismissal.

I am going to take this to heart.