Me? A Primary Pianist?

I think you should do it. Frankly your reasons for not doing it seem a bit selfish. This would be an opportunity to serve, and as I have said before I think the leadership of this ward is reaching out to you – don’t slap their hands away. Perhaps you could ask if you could do it as a shared sort of thing, though, so you don’t have to commit to every Sunday.

I think you should do it. Frankly your reasons for not doing it seem a bit selfish. This would be an opportunity to serve, and as I have said before I think the leadership of this ward is reaching out to you – don’t slap their hands away. Perhaps you could ask if you could do it as a shared sort of thing, though, so you don’t have to commit to every Sunday.

The good thing about this forum is you can be nakedly honest about your reasons for doing, or not doing things. I realize the reasons I gave are centered more on what I want to do, etcetera, perhaps your use of the term selfish.

But if you know my history, my own crisis started when I felt very much taken advantage of by the local leadership when they called me to yet another hefty position. And then when life hit us hard, and I asked to be released several years later, they were indifferent for months and months on end, eventually releasing me reluctantly and negatively. I continued serving afterwards in other positions (gospel essentials teacher, HP quorum teacher, home teacher) until we left the Ward for this new one.

I eventually put my sights on serving in the community, and in the last 19 months, put in at least 15 hours a week. I’m still serving with some pretty hefty projects after completing my term as a leader in this non-profit, but will continue as a sub committee project leader over three very large projects. These will keep me pretty busy for at least another 8 months at which time there are other projects we have in store. So, it’s not like I’m being a benchwarmer in general. My focus is on a different organization right now.

And yes, I do get depressed when I have too much to do. I recently had a breakthrough that was more effective than antidepressants — and that was to focus on the here and now, and the peace I feel. I’m not convinced its good to fill up my life with something I’d really rather not do in the here and now.

I also spoke to my weight loss counselor about my eating triggers (lost 85 pounds two years ago, and then gained 40 back, and then lost 17 of it recently). Being too busy is a trigger for eating. it really will be a weekly grind to learn the primary songs as I am a really, really remedial pianist after 30 years of not playing.

And part of my own coping mechanism has been to assert myself with the church, and break free of all the shoulds, and do what I personally think is best. For me, taking on a weekly calling out of a sense of duty isn’t consistent with my coping mechanism.

And I guess I’m just plain tired of the whole church service thing. I’d rather serve elsewhere for a change, as I’m doing in the non-profit.

I guess I reject the “you’re being selfish” line of thinking because there’s a fine line between doing what is right for you personally, and being selfish. As Mormons, we can be easily swayed into doing things because we are generally good people and don’t want to be labelled selfish, dishonest, untrustworthy, or other things. At the same time, one has to do what’s best for oneself. I stayed in a relationship with a young adult woman 30 years ago much longer than I should’ve because people convinced me my reasons for not wanting to continue the relationship were “selfish”. That was a bad decision.

I like the idea of a shared responsibility with some other pianist. Although when I suggested it the primary president said she would rather not do it that way because she doesn’t want to have to think about who is doing the music each Sunday as yet another administrative facet to her job.

One alternative is to say yes, I’ll do it for the next 8 months or something. They also provide me with a list of substitutes for those Sundays I’m tied up with spikes in PhD work (or unknown to them, need to get away. If often take my son camping or something so I can stand being at church the other Sundays). I would take care of calling the people to step in for me and would simply tell the Primary President. I could probably stomache that for a while.

Good thing is this is an assignment so there’s no calling or release. I dunno, I’m torn.

I’d do it. You are saying it is “by assignment” so it sounds like you would have some level of control on how much you participate. Primary’s one of the best areas in the church to serve in and if it’s a chance to be there with your son a bit, that’s a bonus.

Haha. SD, you predicted that I would be back after my ‘adieu’ a while ago. I’m not back for good, but just passing through and saw your thread and figured I’d toss in my 2 cents.

I can’t dispute your list of ‘cons’. I think they are all valid. But let me give some thoughts on why you might consider doing it:

– In 9 years of primary, how many male Primary Pianists do you think the average LDS kid sees? I bet it’s 0.0-something. This is a great opportunity to swing a hammer at the Berlin Wall of gender roles, and would be great for these kids to see it first hand.

– I’ve known a lot of people over the years who would consider Primary Pianist to be their dream calling. This includes a former RS president who was the pianist one year that I was teaching primary, and she loved it.

– You mentioned that your future employment is uncertain. I hope it never comes to it, but if you ever do need assistance from the Church, it will likely be through your regular ward Bishop. It’d be nice for the Bishop in your bootleg ward to give a good report that you are working with the kids in primary and love it. Who knows. It may even be the case that if you have a calling in your bootleg ward that the Bishop there would be the one you’d work with.

– Of all the people that deserve the benefit of charitable work, kids consistently rank at the top.

– From my own experience, when I was a YM, we used to administer the sacrament in Junior Sunday School, while the adults where having it in regular Sunday School. I always preferred to have a JSS assignment. There’s just something about kids that invigorates.

Well, after considering what everyone said, and agonizing over this, I wrote the Primary president and declined. I offered to help with an upcoming social that is very large. as the Bishop suggested when he caught me in the hall. In declining the Primary assignment, I mentioned my situation — PhD work, and also profiled the long list of projects I am working on in the community. I said I hope that didn’t discourage her in any way, but I wanted to make sure I could do a good job in all areas of my life, and the social activity was the most I could give in the short term.

Then, to address the Bishop’s implication that I was being a benchwarmer, and not contributing, I pulled aside his very approachable counselor after priesthood opening exercises.

I told him I’d been in the Ward a while, and realized I hadn’t contributed much. I wanted to let him get a little better idea of my background. I explained my conversion as a Young Adult, full time mission, and all the callings I held (Stake YM Pres, Ward YM Pres 3 times, HPGL twice, Bishop’c Counselor, High Councilor, Stake Executive Secretary, and so and on and so on). His eyes got big and wide when he heard all the different places I’ve served, and he said he wasn’t aware of all that.

Then I commented on how 1.5 years ago, when there was instability in our living situation, and geographical boundaries, I focused on community service so I could continue benefiting others through service. That I put in 15 hours per week since then. I then listed all the initiatives I had started or led, and the results. The list was long, and it spawned a lot of questions from him about the mission of the non-profit, how it was funded, etcetera. He actually asked me to go into quite a bit of detail about one of the initiatives meant to encourage local support of small businesses.

He then commented “I think you’re a good man”…at which point I explained that wasn’t my motivation in sharing with him, only to help him understand what I’m doing with my disposable time in this period when my employment is preventing stability in our Ward. I also thanked them for accepting us and explained the incredibly positive impact the Ward has had on my daughter — particularly the statement “I know who I am now” after she realized she gets long very well with kids who are very good, and kind, and committed to the gospel. That she didn’t have that acceptance in our home Ward, and that the Ward is doing good work in helping my family.

I also told him about my PhD studies, and he replied “you are doing all that, plus working full-time??”. I responded yes, that I was, and so if it seems that I’m just along for the ride, its not. That I’m still working to benefit others, just that in this season, my efforts have been focused on the community where I can serve full tilt — as there is no geographical boundary rule.

I also mentioned these projects are long-term, and I’m not sure how I’m going to get through them all. But that when I’m available for more intense service in the church, I would let him know.

Then I reaffirmed my commitment to help with the upcoming social, but not to lead it. I also indicated my wife’s agreement to help with one of the YW groups, which she has done a couple weeks now.

He understood.

I felt very good about this conversation. At one point, when I shared the mission of the non-profit, and some of the people I had helped, his eyes grew red and teary and I felt a surge of the spirit. i think we both did. It was then that he mentioned that he thought I was a “good man”.

I just want to share the outcome of this.

I know we don’t serve for the “honors of men”. But I felt giving him an idea of who I was, my commitment to service, and the boundaries on what I was willing to do, ended positively.

And I feel very good about declining the primary pianist calling. I have preserved my inner peace and happiness in that regard — and isn’t that the object and design of our existence?

Perfect. :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

This highlights the importance of considering a general principle but making a final decision based on the reality of one’s life and through “personal revelation” (however each person defines that phrase or even if someone doesn’t use it at all).

Thanks. Who knows how this will play out in the future, but for now, I feel good about it. With this last excursion in Staying LDS, I feel that I am making my own way through the various challenges of our religion, while preserving as much personal happiness as I can. I appreciated everyone’s support and commentary as I worked through this.