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Hello, staylds folks, I’m Terwilliger and I’m an unorthodox Latter-Day Saint. For the sake of brevity (not my strong suit) I will forgo the lengthy backstory. Just know that my life can be accurately surmised using all the familiar acronyms found on these types of forums: BIC, RM, TM, DW is TBM, 2 DS’s ages 5 and 0.2, 1 DD age 2 and, for all intents and purposes, a non-member could confuse me with any number of dyed in the wool Peter Priesthoods living in close proximity to the Great Salt Lake. However, most TBM’s would most-likely pick me out as a “rebel”. I’ve long differed from the stereotypical, “cookie-cutter” version of Adult Male Priesthood Holder (AMPH, there’s a new acronym for you). When I was young most of the kids would go to EFY while I would follow punk rock tours in the surrounding states (and, occasionally, break the WoW). I do not own a white shirt nor an oversized black suit to wear to church, instead I wear bright colors. But, most importantly, where most amongst the faithful accept the Mormon narrative of things like Creation, Salvation, Exaltation, Priesthood, Prophets, Scripture, etc. – I doubt. I’m a long-time doubter – in fact doubting could be counted as one of my favorite pastimes – however, recently my doubting has gone from being recreational to being something more. Do I believe Joseph Smith was actually a prophet? I’m not sure I could answer that in the affirmative right now. Do I believe the scriptures are historically accurate documents? Nope. Do I believe President Monson is a living prophet? Sure, if by “prophet” you mean “the guy in charge of the LDS church” but not if you mean “a guy who has chats with the Lord”. Do I believe archaic rituals such as baptism, confirmation, and temple endowment are requirements for a pleasant afterlife? Nah. Do I believe God was involved in or condones all the killing, smiting, and warring done in His name as described in the Bible and Book of Mormon? Not at all. The list goes on, but you get the point.
So that brings me here. As stated, DW is a fairly hardcore TBM, though she is fully aware of my current faith crisis and is surprisingly cool with it. We haven’t gone into specific things I struggle with doctrinally (I don’t want her to doubt because of me) but we have talked quite a bit about my doubts on a superficial level and she is very understanding (though she gives me a lot of guff when I don’t wear my G’s). I want to stay in the church for my wife and my kids, but even more than that, I think it’s important that I stay in the church for myself. Even with all the stuff I do not believe in, and all the homophobic, sexist, ridiculous sacrament meeting talks I have to suffer through (did I mention I’m in a small town in Northern Utah? We once had someone bear testimony that President Obama is the antichrist for heaven’s sake!), I still feel it is a good place to go and be reminded of the things that really matter: Christ, family, love, charity, and service. I do currently have two callings in my ward. One I am comfortable with (Assistant Cub Master – though I still don’t understand why this is a church calling) and one I am not-so-comfortable with (Elder’s Quorum teacher). It’s a little rough trying to teach lessons revolving around “why the church is true” when my view is that, well, it isn’t.
Anyways, this is getting awfully long so let me wrap this up by stating I am very glad I found this site and I hope to be enlightened and dare I say edified through my participation in it. Thanks for reading.
🙂 Welcome. I’m glad you found us, too. My stumbling upon this site has truly been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Sounds like you’ll fit in here pretty well, and I do indeed share many of those doubts you mentioned. You didn’t ask for any specific advice, but you did mention your teaching calling and that being a challenge for you. Granted, I do not currently have a formal calling as a teacher but I think there are a few here who have managed to teach lessons by pulling out and focusing on things they do believe (or maybe just could believe). I’m not saying that’s easy – it’s probably quite similar to sitting in SM and hearing a talk about Obama being the antichrist (he does bear a striking resemblance to Satan in that Bible miniseries 
Thank you for the welcome, DarkJedi. I have been creeping around this site for months and your mantra of “take it slow, don’t dump all at once, and focus on what you do believe” has been taken to heart time and time again. As far as advice, I feel that I am on fairly solid (though unfamiliar) ground right now. It took a long time for me to come to grips with some of my more serious doubts, but I have actually felt closer to the Lord while going through my faith crisis than at any other time in my life. It has also been liberating being able to decide what I actually believe instead of being told what I believe. The teaching calling has been tough, but I can usually find a way to teach my own spin on the assigned material with some success. I do have a TR interview coming up soon and am having some anxiety trying to figure out how to give the “right” answers without being a liar, but I’m sure I’ll get it figured out. Isn’t having a faith crisis fun!? hey Terwilliger, Welcome. Glad you could join us!
I’m with you on the working through what to say, and how to say it as you go through the reconstruction phase of your faith transition. I have to give a talk once a month as a part of my calling and some months are easier than others depending on the topic.
But you do the best you can. I would say though that I would love to teach EQ. I think its a good opportunity to engage closely with people and it would be fun to figure out safe ways to have more in depth discussions and lessons. Check out a thread by bear (I think it’s bear). He solicits advice on how to rock the boat in safe ways during his HPG lessons.
-SBRed
Sounds like you live in Cache Valley. Cache Valley born and raised, cwald! However I am living out of the valley right now (not very far out of it, though). Terwilliger wrote:Cache Valley born and raised, cwald! However I am living out of the valley right now (not very far out of it, though).
Yeah. I am not surprised.Welcome.
Welcome. I am glad we have been able to help and hope that can continue. I’m glad you are here and look forward to hearing more comments from you, if you’re comfortable with it. I have been thinking a lot about the temple recommend interview lately, and it gives me a lot of anxiety. I haven’t held a recommend in over a decade, so my situation is a little different. It feels like a huge step to do that again. In any case, I definitely empathize with all your doubts. Since my crisis of faith I feel like I have become a professional doubter. Certainty feels like a scarce resource these days. Welcome. You’re not alone. Please stand up. Please stand up. Please stand up. Terwilliger… Robert or Cecil?
Sorry, couldn’t resist. It’s out of my system… for the moment.
Maybe you’ve seen the threads on temple recommend questions. There’s one thread per question, a bit difficult to track down but I found a post where Daeruin did the work for me:
Question 4: Sustaining LDS LeadershipQuestion 7: Affiliating with ApostatesQuestion 11: Divorce ObligationsTerwilliger wrote:It took a long time for me to come to grips with some of my more serious doubts, but I have actually felt closer to the Lord while going through my faith crisis than at any other time in my life.
Same here. It’s a good thing to be able to say isn’t it?
cwald wrote:Sounds like you live in Cache Valley.
Terwilliger wrote:Cache Valley born and raised, cwald! However I am living out of the valley right now (not very far out of it, though).
Either that’s one of a select few habitable places Utah or I get to let my imagination run wild coming up with things that go on in Cache Valley to make the place so instantly recognizable. Sounds like quite the place.
Welcome.
Welcome! Regarding TR interviews what has worked for me is to imagine the interviewer as a stand in for God, so I assume God understands all, knows what is in my heart, would ask the right questions, and would be more concerned about who I am becoming than the answers that I give. The questions I hear are more along the lines of:
Do I find value in my church participation?
Do I strive for truth and goodness?
Am I willing to embrace personal (sometimes painful) growth?
Will I stand up for my fellow men where they exist at this point in life, even if they don’t share my views or won’t stand up for me?
Am I open to personal revelation?
Do I look for the positive interpretations of symbolism in the church?
Do I love the members of the church?
I view the interview process as more of an opportunity to self-reflect than a formal inquisition.
In the end I feel if I am on a path toward God or goodness (righteousness) and I can see the church as a tool to help me in some way along that path, God would want me to participate in the temple as I make my way down my chosen life’s course. I don’t claim to understand (let alone “know”) much of anything, but I am willing to “lead with faith” which to me means to give the benefit of the doubt where possible while I seek out the good. If I feel warm fuzzies at the end of my TR interview I take that as a sign (and what I hear in church tells me this is a valid sign) that I did what I should. It is all about focus. If you are focused on positive things it will be a positive interview.
Terwilliger, welcome to our world. This place contains a number of people who can help guide you in your journey. You will make all the necessary decisions.
It was the series of posts about the temple recommend interview questions that helped me to be come active again.
(A special thanks to wayfarer for that.)
Even when I can answer the TR questions cleanly & honestly, my beliefs seems to change again over time.
Keep coming back.
Welcome to the isle of misfit toys! Sounds like you will fit right in! I appreciate all the kind words and warm welcomes. It feels really good knowing I am not totally crazy for doubting (the jury is still out on if I am totally crazy for other reasons). Nibbler, thank you for taking the time to find and post the links to those threads (and yes, Cache Valley has its own special brand of bizarre). I read through each one and feel a lot better about my imminent, every-two-year performance review. I am solid on the first two questions. Question #3 is a little rockier, but I figure since I can’t give a great explanation of what is and what isn’t a part of The Gospelâ„¢ I get to define it however seems most correct to me and can affirm that it has, in fact, been “restored”. I can also sustain the GA’s because I feel “prophet, seer, and revelator” is a part of the job title – kind of like the Pope being called “The Vicar of God”. That’s a title he has because he fills an office. I can work with that. #’s 5 & 6 I’m good on. #7 I am confident in saying “no” – not due to my lack of affiliation, support, or agreement – but because I know that the teachings or practices accepted by the church are prone to change. Who knows who/what will or won’t be accepted tomorrow? #8 is a bit gray, but I do the best I can (or, at least, what I’ve convinced myself is my “best”) so I round up the answer from “mostly” to “yes”. Same goes for #’s 9, 10 & 12. #11 doesn’t apply. Sinning takes too much time and energy so I try to avoid it and as such feel worthy. Phew. It feels good to know I can answer both correctly and truthfully while being on a very different level of belief than I was the last time I had to answer those questions. Thanks for your help, everyone.
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