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So, I’m an introvert. I’m so introverted that when I took the Meyers-Briggs personality test, I scored 100% on the introverted side of the introvert-extravert scale. That doesn’t mean I’m socially crippled. I do a fine job of communicating at work and even fulfilling certain leadership roles. It’s just not comfortable or natural to me. But it does mean that I don’t have a strong need for lots of friends or social interaction. I have a best friend (my wife) who I see every day and who fulfills most of my social and emotional needs. I have a few other close friends—my siblings who I see three or four times a year (we are all introverts and love each other a lot, but don’t feel a need to get together often even though most of us live within an hour of each other); a few of my wife’s family members who share similar interests (I get together with her dad and brothers for a game night a few times a month); and two old friends from school who I see a couple times a year. That completely fulfills all my social needs. All that is to say that I don’t feel any need or even remote desire for social interaction at church. I actively avoid the awkward small talk that’s required so many times at church. I only know half a dozen names of people in my ward, despite going to church every week and having asked for names and interacted with many of them multiple times over the past year. I can’t remember the name of my home teacher who’s been to visit us four or five times recently. I can’t even remember the name of my bishop as I type this. The social aspect of church is more of a turnoff than a draw for me.
I’m just not a people lover. I feel like I’m charity-impaired in a lot of ways. I’m not integrated into the social structure of the ward—and I like that. I’m not sure if I have a point or a question per se. But this is one thing that makes it hard for me to stay LDS.
Peace my friend. Find peace. Interesting perspective. There are clearly members on the opposite end of the spectrum who would not be members were it not for the social aspect. I get you though, Daeruin. It became especially obvious to me during my long period of inactivity that I could quite readily survive without any church social interaction. I have said that if you really want to know who your friends are at church, stop going and I maintain that to be true. I am an introvert as well, but I don’t mind the handshakes and hellos at church. I do avoid some of it though – another great use for the smart phone – and given the choice I would probably not voluntarily interact individually with many people at church. I never stay for the monthly “linger longer” and use the excuse that I think 3 hours is plenty long to have lingered already. I rarely attend other activities and if I do it’s usually because my much more social wife wants to go and I do it for her. When I have a meeting to attend, I show up on time and head out right after the closing prayer. You didn’t have any questions, and I don’t have any answers – I get it, though. No worries. The LDS Church doesn’t really know what to do with very introverted people as everything is so social from activities to events. I don’t necessarily love going to activities, but I love hanging out with people and most of my very good friends are from church.
Luckily, I have been able to find a good group of friends who would not recoil at the things I post here on the site and we have had many in-depth conversations about our different faiths and beliefs. To each his own and I’m glad we can at least be friends here in our virtual “ward”.
I score fairly high on the introvert scale myself. It’s got to be difficult to continue to associate with a group of people that may not believe as you do when your very nature is to not associate with any group to begin with. SunbeltRed wrote:The LDS Church doesn’t really know what to do with very introverted people as everything is so social from activities to events.
…to callings, etc. No, the church truly does not know what to do with introverted people. Neither do I for the record.
Looking back at myself I’d say that years ago I believed the church’s definition of perfection included things that were well outside the comfort zone of an introvert. I’m not saying that this is wrong or right, just that it was something that I believed, that I had to espouse personality traits of an extrovert in order to become perfect. It really tore at me and robbed me of so much happiness. It seems silly now.
I still haven’t figured out my social needs but it’s not something I feel like I’ve got to figure out right now.
I would look for introverted ways to contribute such as: a) writing letters to missionaries
b) clerical/financial work
c) sending out email blasts
d) operational service where you can just show up and do something
e) making up flyers etcetera.
I’m also an introvert, except when achieving the goal I’m working on requires extroversion (for example, I cold called over 60 small businesses recently, and felt like a Mormon missionary all over again). If you have achiever in you, see if you can attach being social to achieving the goals you want. If that works for you. I don’t expect everyone to think like me, though.
Some of the most introverted people in my ward are in scouting, primary, or music. I’m not sure how interacting with children or 12 year old boys fits in your “friends” spectrum. The scoutmaster would rather just be in the outdoors and he can deal with kids ok. The ward organist wouldn’t mind sitting behind the organ all day cranking out music, and several primary and nursery teachers are just fine where they are. I think there are plenty of places for an introvert in the church. Daeruin, that is a very interesting analysis of yourself. Do you feel the same way in other social situations?
For example, work or school, neighborhood environment, within you own family?
One calling within the Church that I enjoy with little social contact deals with genealogy, family history &
indexing.
I thought a bit more about this. I do realize that some people only do church for social reasons, and that is their primary motivation. However, I joined the church for spiritual reasons back then. I believed spiritually in what I heard and read. While I liked most of the people I met, I would have joined the church anyway, whether or not they were there. Thanks for the fascinating post, Daeruin. This is something that I wish everyone understood – the general principle that each person experiences church based on their own personality and needs and that it’s okay to attend for different reasons. If we all understood and respected that, we would be able to establish Zion.
Roadrunner wrote:Some of the most introverted people in my ward are in scouting, primary, or music. I’m not sure how interacting with children or 12 year old boys fits in your “friends” spectrum. The scoutmaster would rather just be in the outdoors and he can deal with kids ok. The ward organist wouldn’t mind sitting behind the organ all day cranking out music, and several primary and nursery teachers are just fine where they are. I think there are plenty of places for an introvert in the church.
RR, you are correct. I was a bit hasty and recognize that there is lots of opportunity to serve. I guess I would clarify by saying as members we have a harder time with introverts since so much of “the church” is about external things; vt/ht, teaching (teaching, participating)in general, and missionary work. As a former 80%, now about 50% introvert, all of that interaction can be exhausting.
But as Ray pointed out, and I feel strongly, the church is a vehicle to apply the gospel in our lives.
Hi SunBeltRed, I thought your response was good and I didn’t write mine in response to yours, didn’t mean to sound critical. I meant to show that there are perhaps more positions in the church where introverts can serve than we might think at first. I know people in leadership positions who think of themselves of highly introverted, and they struggle interfacing with people and its difficult for them, but who do a great job. It is exhausting for introverts, agree 100%.
As a side note, I’ve taken every corporate personality analysis imaginable and they all have an element of truth but they also should be taken with a spoonful of salt. I do remember the myers briggs test saying something like as a whole the US is 60% on the “introverted” side or something like that, so we introverts are in good company.
I’m sure there are callings that are great for introverts, maybe ward clerk for instance. One issue is matching up the introverts with callings that better suit their personalities, a very hit and miss prospect with the way callings are currently assigned and cycled through. Another potential issue, let’s take the U.S. being 60% introverted as a given. Are 60% of all church callings geared toward the introvert or some smaller percentage? If it’s some smaller percentage, and I believe that it is, there are a lot of unhappy introverts in the church.
Combine that with the cultural aspect that sometimes has people subconsciously equating specific callings with validating one’s righteousness, spirituality, etc. (BP, SP, RSP, etc.). An introvert is almost assuredly going to suffer in those types of callings. Which callings can the introvert look toward to get similar ego boosts? Perhaps an ego boost isn’t the best thing to aspire to, but some people need that sort of thing.
One final thought. Say an introvert gets in a leadership position. I’ve seen cases where members inevitably compare the introverted leader with a previous extroverted leader. The comparisons typically take the tune of “leader X isn’t as loving as leader Y was” or “leader X is cold, uncaring, and distant.” Well, not necessarily. It may just be a simple difference of leader X struggling with showing love to people in a way where it is extremely clear to others. Trust me, leader X isn’t oblivious to the conversations and comparisons and that kind of thing can wear on leader X. This doesn’t have to even be related to introvert vs. extrovert. It can be chalked up to tastes. Still I think more often than not this sort of thing happens when an introvert is thrust into a people facing leadership position.
End thread derailment.
I posted on this a while back and thought I’d put up my comment from then: Quote:I was recently pondering the things I like and dislike about being LDS. I like sacrament meetings where we sing hymns and listen to speakers (yes, some are boring but even the boring ones can bring on a sense of peace), I like Sunday School where we have an opportunity to discuss and express our views on scriptural concepts (okay so there’s a few humdingers that people bring up but my ward doesn’t do that too much), I like the idea of brotherhood and sisterhood in the gospel. I even like the temple ceremony and the move into the celestial room.
I do NOT like ward parties, I do NOT like going hometeaching, I do NOT like being hometaught, I do NOT like Elders’ service projects (I’ve shingled way too many roofs in my lifetime given that I don’t know which end of a hammer is up), I do NOT like Stake Conference or any kind of stake activity. I do NOT like singing in the choir (I do it because I admire and like the choir director), I DID not like missionary work and I still DON’T like missionary work. I do NOT like having leadership responsibilities in the Church. I do NOT like it when fellow (male) ward members come up to me, slap me on the back and put their hands on my shoulder before saying what they need to say (talk about invasion of personal space).
The things I like are those that are personal and inward. The things I don’t like are the opposite. I am a very private, reserved person who does not like crowds or group activities. I’m introverted (maybe it’s a clinical problem on my part). However, I feel like the culture of the LDS Church encourages you to be extraverted, outgoing, social and interactive. Maybe my issues come down to a personality conflict between what I am and what the Church needs its members to be.
I too am an introvert (yay introverts unite separately in their own homes). My way of coping is the smart phone. Usually while at church I’m on stayLDS, and am left alone as a result. I also think I put off the air of ”leave me alone”. As far as callings go I would love to be a teacher,(more I think out of frustration due to poor quality lessons) but I don’t visit teach or do any social activities. I don’t really have any good suggestions for you but that’s what works for me.
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