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I have been having a conversation with a friend who knows I have had a crisis of faith, but does not understand it exactly. He is pretty high on the TBM spectrum. He does realize that some things can only be understood by those who have experienced them. To that end, I have tried to explain to him that a faith crisis is not just something intellectual or spiritual, but it is very emotional. I am not one who shares feelings often, and I am not adept at describing my feelings or emotions. I told him I have felt anger, but that I also realized that some of what I perceived and manifested as anger was really other emotions. I also felt deep sadness, a sense of loss and being lost, and even despair. I felt betrayed by the church, by individuals in the church, and by God (although that was misdirected). There is a very deep hurt involved, and emotional pain I don’t think any words are adequate to describe.
When I read introductions people often speak of the emotions they experience and I find myself being able to relate believing that I have felt their emotions, their pain, as well. In my mind this is part of being able to weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn.
How do you describe your faith crisis emotions? What words might I use to help my friend better understand why those who have experienced a faith crisis are the way we are?
Different – in a tribe where different often is seen as wrong Heart broken scared,
nauseous,
angry,
grief stricken,
confused,
frightened (different than scared),
lonely,
abandoned,
rejected.
For me, it’s a pain or emptiness that can’t be described with clarity. It is experienced internally (anger) or emotionally (sadness).
There doesn’t seem (at the time) to be a practical or spiritual solution.
At different times I’ve felt: Shocked
Betrayed
Angry (first at God, then at the church leaders)
Foolish
Sad
Grief stricken
Physically ill/sick to my stomach
Scared
Hopeless
Indignant
I can say I am more hopeful now, now that I have a different conception of what I feel is important to lead a good life. I also got some counseling help for the depression this left me in, which was extremely helpful and I highly recommend to anyone who is in the midst of the sadness that accompanies a faith crisis.
This forum has been very helpful to me, realizing we are not alone and that ever increasing numbers of people are feeling the same way.
I don’t know that I have had a “faith crisis”. I feel my life and its attending experiences have gradually led me to the point I am at. Like Ray, I think my feelings are being different “square peg-round hole” sort of thing. DarkJedi wrote:
How do you describe your faith crisis emotions? What words might I use to help my friend better understand why those who have experienced a faith crisis are the way we are?At first, shocked at what I discovered — when my personal needs were thrown aside in the name of policy. Totally shocked, and couldn’t sleep for a couple nights over it. Hurt too. I felt like I’d broken up with a girlfriend I absolutely adored.
Also, once someone had been so unkind I felt physically sick when I went to church and had to leave early.
At other times, I feel angry and resentful — until I turn on other thoughts to dismiss the negative emotions. But when I feel them initially, I feel resentment about what the church has extracted from me, some of the apparently meaningless sacrifices I have made, etcetera.
But I want to say, I have moved past many of those feelings — no longer feel sick at church, no longer feel shocked at egocentric church behavior, but do have moments of resentment when I feel the effects of my decision to join this church.
Betrayed by an organization I thought was nearly perfect Scorned by those who should be more accepting
Afraid to be myself, even to those closest to me
Disappointed in myself for having such lofty expectations
Doubtful of my own mental health for trying to stay because it’s my tribe
Resentful for wasting so much energy to guilt
And yet in spite of all those emotions I inexplicably wanting to stay because it’s who I am.
DarkJedi wrote:How do you describe your faith crisis emotions? What words might I use to help my friend better understand why those who have experienced a faith crisis are the way we are?
regretful
isolated
humbled
empowered
At first I was completely devastated and extremely angry. My emotions were pretty intense. I was afraid also because I wasn’t sure what God thought of me or my crisis. I’m doing better (it’s been almost 2 years). I still have the same feelings but they’re not as intense. At the beginning of my crisis I explained it to my bishop. I compared it to someone who all of a sudden realizes(or admits) she’s in an abusive relationship. She wonders why she stayed so long and how she could have thought something unhealthy was right or was the will of God. My bishop said it was a good analogy. I hope someday soon I will feel empowered. I think I will end up a stronger person because I will have to learn to accept myself if I’m going to have the strength to stay LDS. I haven’t felt anger at all. Or bitterness. I really think that most church members (even some leadership) have simply not sat down to think some things through. They are not bad people trying to purport a lie…I was just like them once, so I understand what it is like to simply do what we have always done and teach what we have always taught.
For me…I found confusion with the mental gymnastics of it all.
Now that “some” things are more clear for me, I find frustration at others who are over zealous.
Multiple earrings, for example – not something I worry about anymore, but get frustrated when others launch an attack on a church member with more than one set of earrings.
I don’t think I’ve even felt sadness – but only because I’ve found new ways to think of things. I don’t feel as though I’ve lost anything…rather, I feel like I’ve gained some insight that I didn’t have before.
As one commenter above said…I feel more empowered…like I’m finally asking the right questions…like I’m finally starting to “purge” my heart.
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