Why is premarital sex a bad thing?

I think that’s a good question to ask here. Honestly, I don’t know. Spiritually, It is a commandment if you consider adultery and fornication to by fairly synonymous. If you have been endowed you have made a covenant to obey the law of chastity. “The world” obviously sees nothing wrong with it, and from the point of view of sexual experimentation I see where that comes from. I will point out that I was 21 when I was baptized and I was not a virgin, although I had only had a few partners.

If your question relates to sexual sin being second in seriousness only to murder, and that’s what makes it bad, I don’t think that’s true. While sexual sin is discussed in the Bible, I don’t see any classification of sins in the there nor do I see a reference to it being more serious than stealing an paper clip. And is stealing a million dollars more serious to God than stealing a paper clip? I don’t know. If you believe that God cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance, then isn’t stealing a paper clip just as serious as murder? A sin is a sin.

So the only thing I have to go on is that it’s one of the ten commandments, but I also believe that God is forgiving of more than we can ever imagine and I do believe some people will be shocked to see some of history’s most reviled people in heaven.

Buddhism has a very different take on sexual ethics. Here’s a sample:

First, the precepts are not commandments. They are undertaken as a personal commitment to Buddhist practice. Falling short is unskillful (akusala) but not sinful — there is no God to sin against.

Further, the precepts are principles, not rules. It’s up to us to decide how to apply the principles. This takes a greater degree of discipline and self-honesty than the legalistic, “just follow the rules and don’t ask questions” approach to ethics. The Buddha said “be a refuge onto yourself.” He taught how to use our own judgments about religious and moral teachings.

Followers of other religions often argue that without clear, external rules, people will behave selfishly and do whatever they want. This sells humanity short, I think. Buddhism shows us that we can release our selfishness, greed and grasping — maybe never entirely, but we certainly can reduce their hold on us — and cultivate loving kindness and compassion.

Indeed, I would say that a person who remains in the grip of self-centered views and who has little compassion in his heart is not a moral person, no matter how many rules he follows. Such a person always finds a way to bend the rules to disregard and exploit others.

Sexual misconduct for Buddhist can occur either inside or outside of marriage, and it includes: non-consensual, licentious, exploitative, and also puritanical attitudes. Extremes are considered unskillful, and Buddhism is about mastery. Sexual desire should be acknowledged as empty but neither avoided nor indulged to excess. Balance is ideal. That’s just a different school of thought.

Personally, I like the idea that sexual behavior should be ethical rather than rule-based, but humans are also excellent at self-justification, and it’s hard to know when another being is being harmed by our actions. I believe Mormonism takes the stand we do so that children will be born into homes with both a mother and father, which again is a form of “ethical” sexual behavior. I don’t think it’s a violation of ethical behavior against a future unknown spouse if one has consensual sex, although it is a violation of the law of chastity; I tend to think that our law of chastity relates more to the potential for children to be conceived.

Historically, there was an obvious risk avoidance in abstaining from sex outside of marriage. Unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases have been around since humans have existed – and, even though contraception limits the likelihood of those things in our modern time, they still are obvious reasons to abstain.

One thing that many people don’t consider is the role of sexual force / coercion throughout history and the undeniable fact that a Law of Chastity that focuses on no sex outside of marriage has worked (to varying degrees of success) to keep women from being raped. There still is the important issue of marital rape, but, at least in theory, a prohibition on sex outside of marriage limits the very real harm that can occur in situations where there is an imbalance of power. There is less of that imbalance now than in the past in most fully modernized countries, but it still exists and is stark even in America.

There also is the issue of emotional maturity and trauma that occurs for many, especially girls but also some boys, when sex does not lead to a lasting relationship.

Finally, I would say that in Mormon theology, there is a strong thread of over-arching self-control being a key characteristic of godliness – and that the limitations within the Law of Chastity are as much about personal self-control (theologically) and the “power” that brings as about anything else. (After all, the root of “virtue” is “strength” – even if we largely have lost that understanding in our typical discourse about sex.)

How would you answer this if it was your Daughter asking the question?

I would answer my daughter:

“If you want to be married in the temple, then live the Law of Chastity and date those that will take you to the temple.

If you don’t have the goal to get sealed in the temple, it is a whole different discussion on the moral or ethical value of living the temple standard lifestyle.”

I won’t freak out to my kids and teach them “there is only one way you must live and make choices or else”. I don’t want them to live in fear. I want them to be educated and choose wisely, being fully aware of consequences of choices. And I believe the younger they are, the less they understand about choices, and need to be guided.

There is safety in following the church teachings. And there is forgiveness through the Atonement.

All these things must be put in proper context and proper perspective so they can understand why the church teaches what it does.

I it’s impossible to make a blanket statement that it is either good or bad. It will depend on the circumstances and people involved. In some situations I see it as a wonderful awesome thing. Something that can bind people together and let the learn about each other. In other situations it can be damaging.

What we need to do is teach our children the difference. How it can be a wonderful thing and how it can be bad. Basically we need to teach the responsibility

I fear this demonizing of sex does as much harm as good. I know people who would have been much better off having a sexual relationship before marriage. It would have saved them years of frustration later.

I have no problem with my children engaging in sex at the proper age and circumstances. It is my job to teach them what those are. But it is to late for me. They are all grown and married. Mostly happy but I have one who really could have used a more intimate relationship with their spouse first.

So my advice to parents with children at home still is have a talk with them. Each child is different and matures at a different age. If you are staying close to you children you will know when that is. Do not demonize sex but teach the consequences of using it poorly.

I want to be clear that I am not directing this towards any person individually. All circumstances are personal.

One research study shows that there is a negative correlation between a high level of lifetime sexual partners and later marriage stability. The study further showed that this negative correlation did not appear for individuals that were co-habitating in “trial marrages” – essentially commited relationships that aproximate marriage.

Correlation does not mean causation. It is possible that people with many non-commital sex partners did not have a personality that would make them great marriage material anyway and the sex partner thing was just a manifestation of this. It may also be possible that those that engaged in “trial marriages” were more disposed to commitment and stability as well.

But it is also possible that repeated non-commital sex partners could have a negative impact on an individual’s ability to form and maintain a lasting and fulfilling marriage in the future. I feel like it would be a disservice if this possibility was not mentioned in a discussion on why “premarital sex [could be] a bad thing”.

I believe that marriage is a good “instituation” to help individuals form stable family units. I would hope that every person would eventually find someone to commit to and spend their lives together. Grown-ups need to make moral choices and by “moral” I mean choices that respect others and minimize harm.

Why, in your view is it a bad thing? The older I have become (and yes I am married) I just can’t really understand why it should be so bad. I’m not talking about “scandalous behavior”.. Like have tons and tons of sexual partners. I completely understand how that might skew things sexually for you. But say you maybe have a couple of different partners before you marry and share a healthy sex life with them before finding “the one”. Why is that a negative thing in your view? Both from a spiritual sense and a “worldy” sense…I haven’t gone there myself and lived a traditional Mormon life, but I still wonder.

I guess we are supposed to believe that premarital sex is bad simply because the Church leaders and scriptures said so. Of course, if you aren’t satisfied with that answer and look at the actual real-life results objectively then it is easy enough to see that there are many perfectly decent people that had sex before they were married that are still doing just fine and at the same time there are many Church members that waited until marriage to have sex that are getting divorced left and right, very unhappy with their marriage, heavily in debt, bankrupt, depressed, etc.

In my experience, I would definitely do the same thing again if I could go back in time and I think it was positive overall in part because it reduced the anxiety and stress I felt that I should get married before I felt ready to and I liked being able to wait until I graduated from college and was working full-time before getting married. Personally I think one less-than-ideal side-effect of the shame and fear based rhetoric that sex is supposedly very serious business such as the “sin next to murder” idea is the tendency for many young adults to rush into marriage when many of them would actually be better off waiting until they are more prepared to make this kind of commitment.

One interesting thing about this to me is that it is actually a high majority of people nowadays that end up having sex before they are married and the average age of first marriages in the US has increased over the last few decades to something like 28 for men and 26 for women. These trends are problematic for the Church not just because of the hard-line stance against premarital sex but also because it looks like the Church currently relies heavily on members being married to another active member to encourage continued loyalty to the Church and any major disobedience or deviation from the Church’s cradle-to-grave formula for “success” of full-time missions followed by temple marriage and then “enduring to the end” is very likely to result in literally millions of Church members falling away from the Church permanently.