Conversations about marrying out of the church?

My adult daughter and I have had a conversation like that. She believes that since she is not necessarily a toe-the-line Mormon girl (she’s 24, in grad school) she probably won’t end up marrying in the temple or necessarily even in the church. While I’ve tried to point out to her that there are far more on the fringe than just she and I, she still doesn’t really believe that marrying a member is a very high likelihood. She also doesn’t believe (as I don’t) that there is just one person out there for everyone. Mom was not included in this conversation, and will likely be disappointed if she does marry a non-member. I, however, have told my daughter that I think she should follow her heart and that if they truly love each other that is more important than what religion they are.

We have had that conversation with all of our oldest three kids, since they all dated nonmembers at some point. They know we hope they marry in the temple and are active in the Church, but they also know we will support them no matter what they decide.

I meet LDS singles who are holding out for a LDS spouse. For me, if I couldn’t find someone suitable within the church, I would certainly date and marry outside the faith. It makes me very sad to meet a wonderful person in their mid thirties who has no LDS prospects, and will not consider dating or marrying a non-LDS person. The thought of staying celibate, childless, alone — To me is unacceptable. I would much rather marry outside my faith.

Talking to women who have married outside the church, they tell me that it isn’t as big of an issue as they had been led to believe. Some of that might be generational. Society is more accepting of differences that they were 50 years ago.

Talking to women who have married outside the church, they tell me that it isn’t as big of an issue as they had been led to believe. Some of that might be generational. Society is more accepting of differences that they were 50 years ago.

That is what my sister has also said. She is happy building her family and her nonmember husband supports them going to church and being involved in church activities, so they really don’t have many issues.

I was just divorced after meeting my ex at BYU, married in the temple,and tried 23 years to make it work in the church.

I see benefits of my kids marrying in the church. But those benefits need to be put in perspective of finding happiness for your life.

The worst would be to marry someone in hopes they “come around” and join the church some day to bring all the blessings desired into the relationship. That is a dangerous setup for disappointment. They should marry who they love as they are, not who they hope they will become. And so if they marry outside the church, they should be OK making the decision they may never have that traditional mormon family or temple marriage, and it can be ok. If they really have a life goal of temple marriage, then they should hold out for someone that can do that for them.

I love the idea that we should be able to make a go of it with anyone if we are truly selfless, but that’s all that is – just an idea. In reality, life is too long to marry someone based on superficial characteristics, and people change. We change too. And we are terrible at assessing our own ability to handle someone’s flaws.

One of the most infuriating statements to me is Brigham Young’s statements that “any two people living the gospel can have a happy marriage”. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Sure, they can, but at a huge cost that is unnecessary if they simply invest the time in marrying the right person, dropping the SHOULDS that the church puts together etcetera. Marriage is too intense, and potentially, life long to make it an exercise in white-knuckling your way to a selfless character. It has such far reaching consequences of peoples’ financial health (alimony, child support, single parenthood) and can be very hard on children if the marriage doesn’t work out.

For me, having a good marriage is a foundation from which all other things spring — functional families, time for community service, good physical health, good mental health, even career performance. These things often end up as secondary items as the couples figure out how to make their marriage work etctera. I know, I’ve been there.

I married someone with whom I am not compatible, and have trodden the weary path of “making it work”. It works now, but it has been at a huge mental, physical, and we shall see, perhaps cost to my kids view of what a healthy marriage is. I’ve morphed in ways I’m not proud of as as result of my “adaptation”, and I believe that such adaptation can at times, inject the risk of infidelity into marriages. There is a high chance that such marriages will lead to periods of disengagement with your spouse, loss of love, and temptation to see fulfilment outside the marriage. I know how powerful the desire for emotional connectivity with someone can be, although I never succumbed (thank goodness).

For me, Brigham Young’s statement that “any two people living the gospel can make a marriage work” is an outgrowth of JS’s decision to make the family the center of the universe so he can fuel church membership through internal birth rates. You need strong families to do that.

I think BY saw eligible people holding out for marraige because they were being picky about who they married, and he made up this uncategorical statement to encourage them to marry, and help fuel the church’s growth in Utah.

For me, Brigham Young’s statement that “any two people living the gospel can make a marriage work” is an outgrowth of JS’s decision to make the family the center of the universe so he can fuel church membership through internal birth rates. You need strong families to do that.

I agree with everything in your comment, SD, related to marriage, but I have to say I disagree with the motivation you ascribe to Joseph and Brigham in the paragraph above. I believe, strongly, that they saw family as the center of the universe simply because they believed family is the center of the universe – and because they came to believe deeply in the concept of Heavenly Parents and eternal progression inherent in parental relationships. I think it’s really hard to make the case that either Joseph or Brigham believed internal birth rates would be the primary fuel for church growth, especially given the success of missionary work in their times.

I think BY saw eligible people holding out for marraige because they were being picky about who they married, and he made up this uncategorical statement to encourage them to marry, and help fuel the church’s growth in Utah.

Remove the motivation in the final part of that sentence and I agree completely. I think he believed it was better to be married to almost anyone than to be unmarried, and I think that view also made it easier for him to accept polygamy. Other members who disagreed about that basic point – who believed more strongly in marriage as a “match” and not just a “union” – didn’t accept polygamy as easily or at all. (PLEASE, everyone, let’s not let this post spiral into another post about polygamy. I make that point ONLY to say that how people view the question of whom and why to marry influences greatly how they view ALL issues relative to marriage.)

I think marriage as a fuel for church membership growth is more of a concern now than in the past, since conversion rates (especially as a percent of total membership) are lower now than in the past.

I wouldn’t care if my children marry outside of the church in a principle sense, but in a practical sense a marriage is going to be much easier if both partners agree on fundamental things, including religion. Most often it would be within one’s religion where he or she would find a partner who agrees with them in that way. However, as many of us know, beliefs can change over time, so you really can’t guarantee that your religious beliefs will always be similar to your partners if you are from the same church. Every couple is going to have perpetual issues that lead to conflict, but the fewer you start out with the better.