Navigating the minefield

Welcome to the forums, StoneGypsy. You’ll find other great members here who are in much the same situation as you are with a spouse. They’d be much better than I with offering advice, so I’ll just wish you the best in finding the answers you are looking for. At the very least, you can be assured that you are not alone.

Thank you both for the welcome and the wisdom. So glad to find this site and learn that there are more people facing similar issues. Since we’re not telling any friends or family yet, we’ve both felt pretty alone. Especially appreciate that I’m welcome here as a believer. Doesn’t seem as common from what I’ve read on the forum for someone like me to join in, but everyone seems caring and nonjudgmental.

Not like I don’t know pretty much the same things DH does. He keeps giving me more and more to read, and I always do. I think he’s hoping I’ll change my mind, but then he’s disappointed when we draw different conclusions from the same literature. Funny, but he was surprised that I didn’t jump right in with him when he started down this way. True, I never loved the mid-week meetings and never felt I needed it for the social aspect, but the church was always important to me. If anything, now I feel like I’m becoming more Mormon, because the responsibility of showing that example to our kids is all going to be on me.

This morning he asked me if I’d have married him if he hadn’t been LDS, and I had to say no. Ouch. He was really hurt. I tried to explain that it doesn’t mean I don’t love him or that I regret it, but he was still hurt. Honestly, I was looking for a temple marriage, and if he couldn’t do that, it would have ended our relationship. I didn’t think that was a secret. He doesn’t seem to remember that he was a TBM at the time, and his answer would probably be the same. He says it wouldn’t. I don’t know. Guess we’ve both been making assumptions about each other for a while.

The problem is that many believers have a REALLY hard time with being accepting and nonjudgmental for those of us with unorthodox belief or complete lack of belief. From the tone of your comments so far, it seems that you don’t have that problem.

To be honest, I feel more comfortable here than I would in a forum of traditional Mormons. There weren’t many other Mormons around when I was growing up, and most of my friends through the years have either been different religions or not religious at all. I love that. I get bored hanging out with people who all think the same as I do. Like living in an echo chamber. But I feel a touch hypocritical too, because if anyone else said, “I don’t want my son baptized,” I could empathize and understand their decision. But when DH says it about our son, it’s harder for me to accept.

One of the hardest things is balancing my response to his FC. On the one hand, I need him to know where I stand and that this is really difficult for me, but on the other, I’m afraid he’ll try to change his mind and fake or force himself back into belief to avoid hurting me. I couldn’t live with that. Some days I feel pretty okay about things, so it’s easier. Other days I excuse myself and cry in the bathroom for a minute before coming back like nothing happened. Never really thought about how pervasive religious topics are – seems like anything can lead us back to that subject if we’re not careful. Don’t know if it’s always been that way and just wasn’t a big deal, or if it’s happening more on our minds because of this. Both, maybe.

Hope you and your wife are in a good place now. Does sound like we’re going through a similar time, and I like hearing about couples who made it through. I didn’t see it coming with DH, since he didn’t want to tell me at first. Had unwelcome thoughts pop into my head that were horrible to me, then and now, and I was ashamed from the second they came to me. Yes, I thought, “I wonder if we should get a divorce,” and then kicked it out as quickly as it came. Never even a semi-serious consideration.

Is there any chance he might want to join the board himself?

He’s suffering. I wish he’d come on here and talk with all of you. You’d like him. I’ve perused the forums for a the last week or so, and he’d fit in well. I hate for him to feel as isolated as he does now. He says he doesn’t have time, but I’m not sure. I think he’s scared of finding out more things he doesn’t want to know about the church, and that it’ll make things even harder. What I’ve seen will be nothing new to him. I hope to learn enough to help us out, and it’s been helpful already. Thank you.

One of the hardest things is balancing my response to his FC. On the one hand, I need him to know where I stand and that this is really difficult for me, but on the other, I’m afraid he’ll try to change his mind and fake or force himself back into belief to avoid hurting me. I couldn’t live with that. Some days I feel pretty okay about things, so it’s easier. Other days I excuse myself and cry in the bathroom for a minute before coming back like nothing happened. Never really thought about how pervasive religious topics are – seems like anything can lead us back to that subject if we’re not careful. Don’t know if it’s always been that way and just wasn’t a big deal, or if it’s happening more on our minds because of this. Both, maybe.

That is a difficult situation.

I certainly consider myself to be very fortunate in that my DW is very supportive. She would want me to make the decision to leave the church if that’s what I felt I needed to do. I don’t want to leave the church but she is willing to support me in that decision. It’s a two way street, I also support her in her beliefs. I want her to be the best latter-day saint that she can be. When we discuss things it usually doesn’t take the tone of one person trying to convert the other to their way of thinking, we usually both relate how we feel and somehow come out the other end edified. The goal of the conversation was to understand one another better, not to change the other person.

That’s me though, DW might tell you otherwise. 😳

It really helps that my DW is much more emotionally mature than I am. She’s had a nice healthy attitude that things will all work out in the end, something that I needed a faith crisis to understand. :eh:

One thing that I can say is that I feel like talking to my DW about my faith crisis has strengthened our bond. I was faking it but I was too vulnerable to speak up. I felt all alone but I didn’t want to share. I was holding something back from DW. Opening up to her allowed me to be myself again. It allowed me to invite her back into my life as a help meet, to have her by my side again. I was vulnerable but I was shown love unfeigned.

Perhaps your husband has gone through similar emotions. Holding a part of himself back for years but once the waters were tested he let the dam that had been holding back decades of angst break open. He could finally share his innermost troubles, he was no longer alone in this world. Sharing beliefs could be a new and exciting thing that he’s waited years to do. Like a child with a new favorite toy that he just won’t stop talking about. :angel:

I’m not saying take everything on the chin. I’m just saying what I went through to hopefully put what your husband may be going through into perspective. DW’s show of love challenged me to rise above. I’m still climbing that ladder one rung at a time, this time not alone.

Edit:

I forgot to address something else in that quote. If you don’t mind sharing, what causes you to cry in the bathroom? I don’t mean to pry. It’s just that when I was going through a faith crisis I had many moments where I’d cry alone and later come back like nothing was wrong once I got more composed. I’m not insinuating that you may be experiencing a faith crisis, I’m just drawing a parallel. It took forever to muster the courage to cry in front of DW but she couldn’t begin to help me until I did. To be blunt, you don’t want your husband to be fake for your sake, don’t be fake for his.

I wish spouses and leaders alike would understand the position of someone who begins to doubt or not believe, and that it doesn’t label the entire person as bad. But understanding each other is the basis for trusting each other, and then you can stay committed to the relationship and work through finding new ways to adjust to changes.

One thing that I can say is that I feel like talking to my DW about my faith crisis has strengthened our bond.

There is the opportunity for that, and its wonderful when it can result in that.

Like many other relationship issues (sex, financial hardships, health issues, etc), there is an opportunity to face the situation and find ways to strengthen the bond.

I’ve been divorced a year now…in my situation there was just no reconciliation possible. It wasn’t rooted in a faith crisis, but actually the faith crisis was the result of the family breakdown. It is hard sometimes not to conflate issues.

Having passed through what I did, I’m more compassionate towards the struggles people have. There are no black and white answers.

Hang in there. You love your spouse, and, in the end, that is what matters most.

This. This, I think, is what allowed my wife to pull back from the fear and pain she was feeling. Like Nibbler, my relationship with my wife only got better once things were out in the open and we were able to talk and be vulnerable for each other. Each time we opened up and were met with trust and love, it only got better. What worries me is that your husband seems, based on your limited comments so far, to want to get you to think the same as he does. That’s OK to an extent, but you both have to allow the other to have different opinions and to respect them. That’s part of what love is about.

About baptism, tithing, etc. That’s one reason I think your husband could benefit from being here. When I found this forum, I was convinced I would not baptize my son. But the ideas and support I found here allowed me to start thinking differently and eventually baptize him. I’ve even started considering paying tithing again. There are lots of ways to look at things beyond the traditional, orthodox way. If your husband has time to read and research church history or theology enough to be having a crisis of faith, maybe he can sacrifice some of that study time to come here and get some alternative viewpoints. It couldn’t hurt and may help—a lot. It did in my case. He doesn’t have to read stuff he’s not interested in. I often skip threads about subjects that aren’t bothering me now, because I don’t want to complicate those issues for myself on purpose. I have enough to deal with in other areas, and my time is very limited. I’m lucky if I can make a couple of comments a week. But I keep trying, because this is one of the few places I can really be myself and deal with my faith issues in a safe, considerate, and positive way.

If you don’t mind sharing, what causes you to cry in the bathroom? I don’t mean to pry. It’s just that when I was going through a faith crisis I had many moments where I’d cry alone and later come back like nothing was wrong once I got more composed. I’m not insinuating that you may be experiencing a faith crisis, I’m just drawing a parallel. It took forever to muster the courage to cry in front of DW but she couldn’t begin to help me until I did. To be blunt, you don’t want your husband to be fake for your sake, don’t be fake for his.

I cry because I get overwhelmed. I still believe in the gospel, and I feel like the eternal family I hoped for is slipping out of reach. That is incredibly important to me, and I thought it was to DH, but he’s told me that he never thought much about it, even when he did believe. Thinking of eternity just has never been a priority, and he doesn’t understand why I worry about something so far in the future.

One of the things I most regret saying to DH during all of this was when he wanted to send me more things to read to help me see his side. He really wanted me to leave the church with him. I think he felt like that would solve all our problems. Anyway, I told him I’d read whatever he wanted, but that I don’t want to leave. I told him if I lost my faith through this, I didn’t see how I could ever be happy again, and that although I would always love him, I might not be able to forgive him for that. He was shocked, and has since backed off trying to convince me. While I appreciate that result, I know it was the wrong thing to say, because if I lost faith, it would be my choice. I can’t put my salvation on his shoulders.

So here’s where my faith stands right now. I’ve been there before, doubting and trying to figure out what to believe. It was back in college, before I ever met DH. Never told anyone about it, and worked out my answers alone. What I decided in the end was that although there were still troubling bits, I had more reasons to believe than not to, and that I was happier with the church than I would be without it. I haven’t thought much of it since then, until DH brought all this up. I did some soul-searching, but it wasn’t as hard as it was for me before. My same reasons for believing still apply. The things I love about the gospel far outweigh the parts that trouble me, and I find a lot of peace and comfort in it. I’m not someone who can say I know the church is true, but I can definitely say I believe.

I’ve got to run now, but I really appreciate the responses here, and I’ll be back to reply to more of them later today.