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So I haven’t been wearing my garments, I have been drinking coffee and I have been ok with this. For the first time in a long time I am comfortable where I’m at. I am being honest about what I truly believe, it doesn’t like up completely with what the church tells us, but I am ok with that. My inactive husband hasn’t said a whole lot. I have asked him if it bothers him that I don’t wear the G and drink coffee and he says no. He does not wear his garments and he does not follow the word of wisdom so I figured he really was fine with it. I got my temple recommend back just before I shed my garments. I could honestly answer all the interview questions and not try to fudge around any of them. That was 5 months ago and I never went through after I got it again. A lot has happened since then and I am where I’m at right now. Just starting to feel good about my self and feel confident in my choices. 2 weeks ago, my step-daughter went thru the temple to receive her endowment in preparation for her mission. I went with her. I was not worthy to go, but I went anyway. It was important to her that I be there and I also wanted to go and see how I felt about it. I wanted to know if there was anything there for me. It did bother me a little bit that maybe I shouldn’t go, since at the time I could not pass the interview when the questions came to my WOW and G’s.
DH didn’t say a word about it until last night. Apparently since I went to the temple without being worthy I have no conscience, I have no integrity and I have no boundaries. He says I mocked God. He doesn’t trust me now since I think I am above the laws of God and will do whatever I please. Obviously, since I have no integrity or conscience, he thinks very little of me.
It wasn’t my intention to mock God. I went hoping to find answers. I thought that’s what the temple was for. Was what I did really as horrible as he says?
This is a tough question. Temple worthiness is largely about intent, your internal state. For instance, if you have had coffee out of weakness, but you felt bad about it, that wouldn’t be the same as intending to continue to drink it when you know it would prevent you getting a TR. Conversely, you could drink it because you believe that you are in keeping with the spirit of the WoW, so your intentions are to follow it the way you believe you should. Again, it’s not about what you did, but about why. Likewise with wearing the garments. Do you honor them for what they are in the way you choose to wear them? Are they special to you somehow? Your intentions are essentially more meaningful than your behavior. The part of you that went to save face, that is what gives me pause. I can’t judge your actions, but the fact that your husband has judged them means you should work on your relationship with him. When spouses stop respecting each other (e.g. his view that you see yourself above the law basically), that doesn’t bode well for the future of your marriage. Sounds like you need to talk and try to determine what is right. I tend to think he may be right that you shouldn’t be attending the temple right now, but I’m not sure whether he’s right or not. Only you can say what your intentions are.
Did you explain your intentions to your husband? Maybe he’ll chill out since last night.
I thought a lot about this one. Looking at it without necessarily putting myself in your shoes (a family member wanting me to go through), I think that if you have no intention of wearing garments, or living the Word of Wisdom, it’s a stretch to go through the temple. But that’s taking a black and white perspective. Now, putting myself in your shoes — If I felt that staying out of the temple would create a huge schism in the family, would have my family member utterly scarred and our relationship tattered, I might do a cost-benefit analysis. If the costs of staying out of the temple were greater than the “hit” to my personal integrity, I’d probably go through.
I’ve caused rifts in my non-member family relationships by cutting them OUT of the temple, I would hate to do the same thing in reverse — be perceived as not supporting my family members’ big moment by voluntarily staying out. But I would also consider the reaction of my spouse, and our relationship.
If the TBM family member was OK with my choice to stay home, and supportive, I wouldn’t go if I had no intention of living the TR standards. If I sincerely wanted to live the TR standards, I would go. If staying out of the temple would really damage the relationship irreparably I’d consider going.
One thing my LDS experience has taught me is NOT to let the church come between myself and my family. The whole experience is inadvertently designed to be that way, but I would do everything possible to prevent that from happening.
In your case, you’re getting it on both ends — from the family member with a TR , and your husband. I’d do what is necessary to keep the hubby happy.
I’ve thought about this a bit, too. It’s a good question, and there is probably no right answer from any of us because none of us are you. We each know our own minds and our own hearts. I thought of my mother-in-law, the only other member on either side of our families. She has never really paid tithing, and she does not keep the WoW. She had not been endowed prior to the time we were to get married, but she did want to see her only daughter eligible to be married in the temple get sealed. So, she paid tithing for a few months (I’m sure it was not on gross), and she may have forsaken coffee for that time. She was endowed about a month before our wedding and did come to the wedding. Twenty-four years later she has never returned to the temple, she quit paying tithing shortly after our marriage and returned to her WoW stuff (she claims the coffee and alcohol are “medicinal” and also justifies coffee because the bishop drinks caffeinated soda – and interesting backwards twist). At any rate, I didn’t know her super well back then, but in my 20/20 hindsight I can see that the bishop at the time (he still lives here) probably knew or at least suspected she would not continue on the path of temple worthiness – knowing her as I do now, I’m not at all surprised. From a TBM religious point of view she probably didn’t belong in the temple then, and she certainly doesn’t now. I would not be a bit surprised, however, if she thought she was worthy (or could easily become worthy) to go even now. I lean on the orthodox TBM side on this one – she probably didn’t (and doesn’t) belong there. On the other hand, she was there and there’s nothing we can do about that now. It will, I think, be up to her and God how that whole thing works out in the end and I see it as none of my business. I suppose to an extent the same is true for you. You went, believing you weren’t really worthy although holding the recommend, and we can’t change that you were there and it didn’t invalidate the ordinance. You have to work some things out with your hubby and maybe some others. At the very least were it me I’d probably either relinquish my recommend to the bishop or destroy it so as not to be tempted to use it again. hawkgrrrl wrote:This is a tough question. Temple worthiness is largely about intent, your internal state. For instance, if you have had coffee out of weakness, but you felt bad about it, that wouldn’t be the same as intending to continue to drink it when you know it would prevent you getting a TR. Conversely, you could drink it because you believe that you are in keeping with the spirit of the WoW, so your intentions are to follow it the way you believe you should. Again, it’s not about what you did, but about why. Likewise with wearing the garments. Do you honor them for what they are in the way you choose to wear them? Are they special to you somehow? Your intentions are essentially more meaningful than your behavior.The part of you that went to save face, that is what gives me pause. I can’t judge your actions, but the fact that your husband has judged them means you should work on your relationship with him. When spouses stop respecting each other (e.g. his view that you see yourself above the law basically), that doesn’t bode well for the future of your marriage. Sounds like you need to talk and try to determine what is right. I tend to think he may be right that you shouldn’t be attending the temple right now, but I’m not sure whether he’s right or not. Only you can say what your intentions are.
I agree with hawkgrrrl but with a twist. It does come to your intentions. If your intent was to support your daughter in this important moment in her life then that sounds good to me. People and family should matter more than rules IMO. I hope that you were able to concentrate on your daughter and be respectful of the proceedings and the beliefs of the participants (both outwardly and in your own mind). Since your intent seems to have been to be a good parent and support your daughter, I don’t see how that would necessarily anger God. We actually make an effort in the church to have “less worthy” fathers in the church participate in/perform baptisms and priesthood ordinations so there is at least some precedent.
Perhaps it would help to explain your intentions to DH. You could say that it was important to you to be there for your daughter. You didn’t mean to offend God and you don’t mean to offend him. Perhaps some level of contrition may be in order (if for no other reason than that your actions seem to have upset your husband.) Yes, his accusations of you not having a concience are not helpful but I hope that you can move the conversation beyond blame, generalizations, and name calling.
In my life, it is impotant for me to be part of my son’s priesthood line of authority. My line has my father and deceased grandfather in it. Passing that on to my son is symbolic for me – like passing a torch. I am giving a gift to my son but also honoring the contributions of the men of my family that came before. I plan to do what I have to do in order to make that happen (make some lifestyle changes prior to the big event / be less than forthcoming about the extent of my doubts).
Just a guess: Your husband probably is at peace with his own level of commitment partly by being what he sees as “authentic”. He also probably has heard, seen or known of people judging him for not being stereotypically, traditionally active in the Church. Maybe part of his peace has been accepting lower / different activity by feeling like he is living true to his own convictions. This is just a guess, but that might be EXTREMELY important to him – and seeing you moving toward him in some ways but still attending the temple might be REALLY hard for him to process and accept. It might seem like you are rejecting his attempt to be authentic – which means he might think you are rejecting him.
How you approach church activity and the temple is up to you – but I believe you need to try to understand WHY he is reacting as he is and allow him to try to understand why you are acting as you are.
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