What should I do?

If you’re feeling like you might benefit from professional help because of depression, anxiety, or something similar by all means seek it out. For the most part, even in Utah they’re not going to be very understanding of any church issues. I realize it is tough not to be able to discuss your church issues with anyone – I am in exactly the same position, TBM wife won’t discuss things and I have no one else I can really open up to. This site has been my refuge.

Take it slow, you don’t have to decide anything about what you believe or don’t believe today or tomorrow. And don’t decide that just because you don’t believe Joseph Smith is a prophet (for example) then all the rest isn’t true, either. Only black and white thinkers see those dominoes fall – the real world is much more gray. Think about what you do believe or hope. Do you believe there is (or might be) a God? Do you believe in Christ? Amongst all the stuff there’s probably some that you do believe – focus on that (especially with your wife).

Have you been in your calling for some time? Perhaps you could have a discussion along that line with your bishop – that you’d like to move on. Perhaps you could discuss your other calling and how you do like it and maybe something else more along that line might be more appropriate right now. You might share with him that you’re feeling a bit down and the ES calling is stressful for you right now. I don’t know your bishop, so it’s hard to say, but I would avoid any detailed discussion of any doubts or questions – there are a few understanding and loving bishops who can understand and see past that, but they seem to be few and far between.

Come and share with us some more. I can’t guarantee we’ll answer any of your questions, but sometimes just asking them or sharing your thoughts in a safe environment is very helpful.

I saw in another post your son is turning 16 and you have an ordination coming up. Make the personal sacrifice to be a part of it – my biggest regret is that I did not do so.

I get a lot of this. Experienced depression, lack of fulfilment in my callings. My 11 year old son has chosen early not to pursue the Mormon path, and this is bothering me for reasons I don’t understand. Part of me is relieved and envious of him, part of me is bothered by it for some reason.

1. I would first get the counseling for depression. I have experienced it — and my triggers have almost completely been church triggers. But when these things start affecting your professional life, I think it’s time to get some counseling or medication. There are diffrent meds out there now, and I have taken some short-term ones that really helped me kickstart back to a productive life. I would take advantage of modern medicine.

2. Whatever you do, act in ways that keep your options open to return to full belief/commitment in the future.

You never know how your feelings with change, so act in ways that preserve local leadership’s confidence in you, your ability to go to the temple with a minimum of hoop-jumping in the future. Avoid any grandstanding, and in my experience, being open with the local leaders rarely ends well on matters of testimony or commitment.

3. Finesse a release from your calling; go to something less intensive or crisis-confronting that encourages happiness.

In the case of your executive secretary position, i would consider effecting a release. But do it in a way that shows the local leadership you have no intention of reducing your commitment. I have done a number of these in my lifetime. That is a discussion in itself, but something to consider. How you do it could be the subject of a discussion here with ideas from many of us.

4. Maintain your relationship with your wife.`

Regrettably, Mormon theology makes wives dependent on their husbands for salvation, and it puts all kinds of pressure on our marriage when that happens. Really consider your wife’s feelings and do a cost benefit analysis regarding the impact of the decisions you are making on your relationship. Fortunately, in my case, my wife seems tolerant of my unorthodoxy and lack of commitment, for now. If she wasn’t, I’m not sure what I would do, but it would involve assessing the price of pursuing a non-church path, with being estranged from my wive and kids.

5. Consider the impact on your sons.

This is another discussion thread, but act in ways that don’t hurt their commitment, while still pursuing your own happiness. It’s a tightrope full of tension, but I am doing it now. My daughter is still TBM, my wife has a calling, sort of….

Sometimes we can be banging our heads against the wall, wishing or praying things change, or maybe being the diligent one to keep at it while hoping we can push through it.

But if things last for long periods of time, sometimes what needs to happen is to introduce a change. Change in thought (study lots), or change in routine (find new things to energize you like exercise or walks in nature or diets or sleeping changes), or sometimes a change in actions (find a different activity and skip church once or twice).

The first step is to allow yourself to do what you need to do in order to be happy, but no need to broadcast or seek approval from others about it. We are so caught up in the shoulds and woulds and fears of what others would think of us if we change…but sometimes we are pushed to do it. Find something for YOU that makes YOU happy. Slowly introduce some change and give yourself permission (you’re an adult) to experience new things that calm you and give you peace.

I went to a buddhist temple. I felt the spirit. I read new books, and woke at 5am to eat granola on my porch. I walked in the mountains instead of church. These new experiences helped me calm my fears. And returning to church became something I wanted to do.

There are many here who have experienced some similar things. If you like to read…we have good suggestions of book lists to broaden thinking.

Hope you keep sharing what you learn with us.

God bless you as you work to get a handle on this. Just remember: It probably won’t be quick and might have its bumps along the way. In the end, however, it will be worth it.

That’s a pretty good summary of life, I think.

Glad you were able to begin the process of getting some help and that you were able to have a discussion with your bishop. Mostly I’m glad you feel better. One would assume being released from a calling will lead to a new one – I hope it’s something more within your wheelhouse of compatibility.

Please don’t feel alone, there are lots of excellent LDS leaders who are experiencing the same thing. If you haven’t read “Why I stay” by John Dehlin, I recommend it, it was a big help to me.

This brings up an interesting conundrum. Dehlin wrote “Why I Stay” when he obviously wanted to stay and supported the StayLDS ideal. Today I don’t think he would write it because he apparently wants to leave. This one statement just caused a little light to go on in my head, and I can see another point of view regarding Dehlin now. I can see why those who think Dehlin is out to gain a following (and I’m not sure he is/was, and certainly not in the same way Denver Snuffer is) can make the leap to how he could be leading people away from the church. That is, if one were to read “Why I Stay” (which I have read and it did help at the time) and somehow become a Dehlin devotee and now Dehlin is leaving, one could draw the conclusion that maybe he or she should leave too because if he can’t do it then neither can they. Just saying.

Thanks so much for sharing the update. You sound so hopeful…it is great to hear that in your tone.

You may not be able to see what is next for you…but that’s OK. You’ll figure it out, and it will all lead to your benefit and experience. I truly believe God wants us to walk these paths so we are to progress.

Keep us posted on how you’re doing, and how you approach it. Your example can be a light to many others in similar situations that need a ray of hope.