Dealing With Identity Crisis

The event that precipitated my faith crisis was the stillbirth of my daughter. Because my daughter didn’t live outside the womb some thought that the mourning and recovery should be relatively short. I feel that I will never be the same. Yes, in the intervening 5 years I have healed but I have also become fundamentally and forever changed (particularly in regards to the church). The lens through which I see the world is different. Some see me as forever broken.

Every night when I came home from work, my husband would rant and rave about everything that was wrong with the church until late into the night.

It was not right, or loving, or compassionate for your husband to forcibly unload on you every day. I am so sorry about that. He seems to have been meeting his own needs while oblivious to your own.

It sounds like you are still in the process of a divorce and that alone will be a traumatic experience. I am sure that the pain feels at times like it may be unbearable. You are not only losing your marriage but in a very real way you have already lost major parts of your identity.

It will get better in time. The trauma will not be as fresh and your body and mind will develop workarounds for the new situation that you find yourself in. During this time it is advisable not to make any life altering decisions (like leaving the church). Give the dust time to settle first before you start burning bridges 👿

The church is not all bad. OTOH it can sometimes be painful to interact with people that insist that the church can do no wrong. It can take practice and empathy to deal with these people in positive ways.

I don’t even know where to start to rebuild myself… I just don’t know what to do. I know I want to stay in the church, and that’s about it. I hate not knowing, and now I feel like “I don’t know” is my life’s motto. It’s almost unbearable.

I found that stating positively what I do believe is a good place to start. Do you believe in the LDS priesthood, or Jesus, or the Judeo-Christian God, or general goodness. All of these could be good anchor points for you to latch onto in the rebuilding process depending on what feels right to your heart. However you “rebuild,” I believe becoming more comfortable with uncertainty will be part of the process. Time may help on this point too. Perhaps you can no longer rely on the Mormon answer to be the right answer or the Mormon perspective to be the right perspective. Sometimes other perspectives can add beauty and enrichment to our soul. It takes time to stand on your own two feet and understand who you are and what you believe independant of the church. It is not easy – but it is part of being a mature adult and dealing with life experiences that we sometimes wish we could change.

You are not alone in this and it does get better.

I too am sorry you had to go through that. Unfortunately taking things to the opposite extreme can be a natural reaction to a faith crisis. Everyone works through things differently.

Now I feel like I can’t talk to anyone, I have no power or influence in anything, and I have let down all the people who once looked to me as a spiritual leader. The church was the only thing I was ever really good at, and now it’s gone. All I ever wanted to do was share the joy in my heart with others and learn to love all the world.

I’ve felt similarly, like I had been relegated to a corner. I still have moments, in fact I almost started a thread on a similar topic based on some impressions I received last Sunday. Now I think I’ll create that thread and see what becomes of it. Maybe there’s community insight in it for us.

I hope I don’t overstep my bounds but when I started to feel like I no longer had power or influence in anything a part of me recognized that those feelings were really a reflection on how I felt about myself rather than a reflection of how others felt about me. I hope that makes sense and I hope that doesn’t offend. Again, my unique circumstances led me to my conclusion. I never felt like I was particularly good at church before it all went down, less so afterwards.

I think you can still share the joy in your heart and learn to love all the world from the vantage point of having nuanced faith… and you might be surprised by how much influence you’ll retain through the process.

I was what I would call a true believing new order Mormon

I’m new to that concept. Maybe our terms are crossed, could you elaborate?

Now I feel like I can’t talk to anyone, I have no power or influence in anything, and I have let down all the people who once looked to me as a spiritual leader. The church was the only thing I was ever really good at, and now it’s gone. All I ever wanted to do was share the joy in my heart with others and learn to love all the world.

I’m nothing but an empty shell of the woman I once was, and I don’t even know where to start to rebuild myself. If we had the technology to erase minds I would have them take away everything my soon to be x-husband forced into me over the past 5 months. I just want to go back to who I was. I want my life back, and I can’t have it.

Hi, countrygirl –

You can talk to us, and I’m glad you are. When I was in a free-fall, this site provided the soft landing. There is a lot of good reading here, and when you’re feeling up to it, I really encourage poking around and following links, or certain posters, etc. I hope you’ll find some people in real life to confide in. Maybe there will be some real good that comes of letting down some defenses. I’ve gotten much closer to my siblings since revealing my doubts and struggles. It’s also good advice to think twice about who to talk to.

I think it’s easy for LDS women, especially ones with certain personalities and circumstances, to make just “being LDS” a career of sorts that defines or confines them completely. (Or maybe I’m just speaking for myself.) I wouldn’t trade the last couple of years for anything because I’m rebuilding my identity. I’m 99% sure that you will, too, and be happy with the result.

I’m really sorry that a faith crisis and marriage crisis have combined for you. That’s very tough, and I hope we can help.

I’ve had a few people ask what I meant by true believing new order Mormon. It is the best description I have to the fact that I did feel that we should be better in how we treat the LGBT community, and that there were changes that should be made to how much deciding power women have in the church. However, I believed that all these things would change in their proper timing, and that all I had to do was live the best way I knew how. I wasn’t worried about anything even though I didn’t agree with some things. I just assumed it was in God’s hands, and that he would take care of it. Now I find myself wondering if He even exists. I want with all my heart to believe that he does. My views of the brethren have also changed. Before I believed that while they were human, and didn’t do everything right, they were still the closest we could get to God in this life. My new order views were very passive before. For instance when I watched conference I took notes not on what was being said, but on what I felt the spirit was teaching me. I loved it! People would talk about the negative stuff in talks and I would agree it was wrong, but had been completely oblivious to it while watching. Before I believed whole heartedly in the restoration of the church, the God head, the Preisthood, Patriarchal blessings, and most things that I considered to be doctrine. I just knew enough about the doctrine to pick and choose what I believed. Now I just don’t know what I believe. I’ve begun to think that we are just another church, but I also believe that we have a lot of good things going for us. I guess the best way to describe my faith crisis is going from I’m sure, but I’m flexible to I don’t know.

I’ve had a few people ask what I meant by true believing new order Mormon. It is the best description I have to the fact that I did feel that we should be better in how we treat the LGBT community, and that there were changes that should be made to how much deciding power women have in the church. However, I believed that all these things would change in their proper timing, and that all I had to do was live the best way I knew how. I wasn’t worried about anything even though I didn’t agree with some things. I just assumed it was in God’s hands, and that he would take care of it. Now I find myself wondering if He even exists. I want with all my heart to believe that he does. My views of the brethren have also changed. Before I believed that while they were human, and didn’t do everything right, they were still the closest we could get to God in this life. My new order views were very passive before. For instance when I watched conference I took notes not on what was being said, but on what I felt the spirit was teaching me. I loved it! People would talk about the negative stuff in talks and I would agree it was wrong, but had been completely oblivious to it while watching. Before I believed whole heartedly in the restoration of the church, the God head, the Preisthood, Patriarchal blessings, and most things that I considered to be doctrine. I just knew enough about the doctrine to pick and choose what I believed. Now I just don’t know what I believe. I’ve begun to think that we are just another church, but I also believe that we have a lot of good things going for us. I guess the best way to describe my faith crisis is going from I’m sure, but I’m flexible to I don’t know.

In some ways we’re not all that different from other churches, and like them we do have a lot going for us. To paraphrase Pres. Uchtdorf, there are good people here who trying to be closer to Christ by serving others. We all see through glass darkly, not knowing is OK – as you are now becoming aware, they don’t really know, either.

I’ve had a few people ask what I meant by true believing new order Mormon. It is the best description I have to the fact that I did feel that we should be better in how we treat the LGBT community, and that there were changes that should be made to how much deciding power women have in the church. However, I believed that all these things would change in their proper timing, and that all I had to do was live the best way I knew how. I wasn’t worried about anything even though I didn’t agree with some things. I just assumed it was in God’s hands, and that he would take care of it. Now I find myself wondering if He even exists. I want with all my heart to believe that he does. My views of the brethren have also changed. Before I believed that while they were human, and didn’t do everything right, they were still the closest we could get to God in this life. My new order views were very passive before. For instance when I watched conference I took notes not on what was being said, but on what I felt the spirit was teaching me. I loved it! People would talk about the negative stuff in talks and I would agree it was wrong, but had been completely oblivious to it while watching. Before I believed whole heartedly in the restoration of the church, the God head, the Preisthood, Patriarchal blessings, and most things that I considered to be doctrine. I just knew enough about the doctrine to pick and choose what I believed. Now I just don’t know what I believe. I’ve begun to think that we are just another church, but I also believe that we have a lot of good things going for us. I guess the best way to describe my faith crisis is going from I’m sure, but I’m flexible to I don’t know.

What you are going through is very typical in some ways. There may be more links on this web site that talk about it (I am somewhat new), but it looks like you are moving from stage 3 and starting to go into stage 4 of what James Fowler calls “stages of faith” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fowler’s_stages_of_faith_development” class=”bbcode_url”>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fowler’s_stages_of_faith_development I can see where you used to base your authority in the church – all you had to do was believe and do what the church teaches you. Now you feel like you have to be more involved in deciding what is right and wrong. This transition is very hard to go through. I found it harder than the death of one of my parents. But also note that I feel closer to God now even though I reject some of the churches teachings/practices.

I remember only too well how painful those initial days of a FC are, and you’re having marital problems too. I’m so sorry for your pain and troubles.

You’ve said very little about your husband’s background, and that’s OK, but I’m hoping that the divorce isn’t solely because you’re both going through a faith crisis. I know it’s usually more than that. I’m with DJ in that it sounds like your husband handled it very badly, but he’s obviously hurting too. Trust me, I’m not making excuses for him, but also like DJ, I hope it’s not too late.

Silent Dawning posts about a program called Marriage Builders. DH and I have looked into it and have found it to be pretty amazing (thanks SD, BTW :thumbup: ) We weren’t on the verge of divorce, but had been struggling for many years. My FC was driving a wedge between us even though I’ve told him very little of what’s going on. It was just causing me to withdraw from him w/o my even realizing it. I know your situation is very different though. We’ve been married for 30 years and my FC started about 18 years ago. Like I said, I don’t know what your other issues might be dealing with, but it might not hurt to peek at Marriage Builders.

You said:

Now I feel like I can’t talk to anyone, I have no power or influence in anything, and I have let down all the people who once looked to me as a spiritual leader. The church was the only thing I was ever really good at, and now it’s gone. All I ever wanted to do was share the joy in my heart with others and learn to love all the world.

I’m nothing but an empty shell of the woman I once was, and I don’t even know where to start to rebuild myself. If we had the technology to erase minds I would have them take away everything my soon to be x-husband forced into me over the past 5 months. I just want to go back to who I was. I want my life back, and I can’t have it.

I hope you’ll come to discover that you’re so much more than you think you are. I too had much of my identity tied up in the church, but I’ve since come to discover that there’s so much more to me. Maybe one thing to think about is once you’ve regained your emotional footing (and you will in time) you can be the one to guide those who end up where you are now. Or maybe your strengths will take you in a completely different direction. It sounds like you have leadership abilities. I hope you’ll regain confidence it that and learn to use them again in a positive and constructive way.