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Hello! Thank you for all the support you unknowingly gave me. I figured it was time to join some conversations instead of just reading. A little about me- I grew up in the church and have always taken it very seriously. I went on a mission, went to BYU, married in the temple, have a wonderful husband and happy, goofy young kids and have always given as much as I could to serve the church. My faith crisis (or hell as I think of it) started last summer by learning what polygamy really looked like in the early days of the church. Not noble or Christ-like (even amongst our leaders) as I had been raised to believe. When I learned that Brigham Young taught that you had to live polygamy to be in the celestial kingdom my world started crumbling. If a prophet said it, it had to be true, right? At best polygamy looked like an extremely unequal institution that favored men and valued their needs and relationships over women’s. It opened my eyes to how God must view women if this is what he wants for them. It was horrifying. It completely destroyed my trust in God and how I viewed myself as a woman. Some of the things that had always bothered me like the disparity between what we invest in our girls and boys through our youth programs, some bad experiences I had growing up with church leaders, and some seemingly sexist things in the temple all of the sudden seemed like reflections of the God Brigham Young believed in. It was probably the lowest period of my life. I couldn’t give myself permission to question prophets because I felt like I had enough spiritual experiences that I had a strong testimony and as I understood it the gospel, the church, and prophets were all a package deal. I was really low. If I didn’t believe in an afterlife I would have been suicidal. It was horrible. I was (and still am) very disoriented by it all.
It’s been a long, difficult road. I could never reconcile this very foundational part of my soul that said I and all women (and children and men) deserve better than what polygamy could ever offer and I had to reject it. That opened up another can of worms looking at other historical junk in our church’s history. Realizing the fallibility of prophets has been hard, but I it needed to happen. It’s been hard to look over my life and realize some of the choices I have made likely weren’t the best and were done with the intent of following the prophet. For example, being a stay-at-home mom. It isn’t the greatest fit for me. I abandoned dreams and aspirations because I had such heavy guilt because of quotes from prophets and apostles about the importance of women being in the home. I now wonder if at times it wasn’t the spirit working on me trying to change my direction, but I just wasn’t open to it because I trusted too much in the arm of flesh. (I say this ADORING my children and APPLAUDING all stay-at-home moms! I truly admire and envy those who fit that role so well!) It has helped me learn to know myself better and considering what impact I want to make in the world since I now feel free to explore different directions besides being a SAHM.
Anyway, so I was working through all of this and felt like I was making some progress when the church polygamy essays came out which basically endorsed Joseph Smith’s angel story. That was hard to realize that our church leadership still thinks that is true. It concerns me to that they accept a view of God in which he endorses and even commands polygamy because I can’t reconcile that view with a view of women not being second class. Anyway, I was working through that and was finally making some progress with when in a 24-hour-period I found out two men I in my family have had affairs. One had an illegitimate child and wanted his wife to accept his mistress as a plural wife. The second claimed he had a vision in which he saw his mistress as “one of his” in the hereafter. That same week a friend confided that her husband keeps bringing up polygamy and using it in a very manipulative manner in their marriage. Ugh. What do you do with that? At least at this point in the history of our church we recognize that each of these situations is wrong, but it makes me livid to think that had they each lived during the early days of the church they could have each practiced polygamy to the dismay of their wives (who very possibly would have beaten themselves up for not being on board with it) and been considered more righteous for doing so. It just boggles my mind!
At this point I feel like I’m making some progress with my relationship with God. Like I said, it really messed up how I saw myself in God’s eyes and I know I’m still pretty guarded because of it. Baby steps. Church is very hard. I get anxiety about going. It usually starts on Saturday and then it takes until Monday to recover afterwards. I have gone to other churches a few times because I just need time to really worship God and not have to think about everything else. I would like to stay. I feel like there is something here that isn’t in other churches. Maybe it’s some truth that isn’t elsewhere (I really hope so, but I’m choosing to shelf a lot of things for the time being) or maybe the LDS church is just home. Anyway, that’s where I’m at! Thanks for reading! I am so grateful for this forum and all of you who have been open working through your own stuff. It has been a soft place to land on my hard days.
Hey Audrey! Glad you found the site, and hopefully some of the commentary and threads here can help you work through some of this stuff. I know it has helped me tremendously.
I am with you on Polygamy as well. I reject it as being from God, which then opens up the can of worms you talk about: what have Prophets spoken that is actually from God and how do I tell the difference?
I don’t have a good answer to that question yet
🙂 I stay as well because the LDS Church is home to me and my wife likes it (though she finds Polygamy as despicable as you do).
Good luck on the journey!
Audrey, Welcome. I’m sorry you are going through this. Just know that many have been through what you are going through and have found peace. It probably doesn’t seem possible right now, but it can happen. Many feel that they come to a more personal faith than what they ever could have had before. Almost three years ago, Roy, a major participant here, said the following (April 18, 2012):
Roy wrote:Perhaps it would be helpful to focus on what you do believe.
Those were wise words. I don’t even know if he was the first to say it, but it was the first time I had read it. Although my faith crisis had occurred long, long before, I had only just recently joined this site at that time, and that idea had a profound impact on my faith transition. It has become sort of an unofficial mantra of the site, and many here have continued not only to follow that advice, but to give it to newcomers as well. You mentioned a belief in the afterlife, and how that gave you an anchor to hold onto. Your feelings of disorientation will subside as you learn what you can believe and what you can discard.I wish you the best in your journey. I know it’s not easy. Just know you have kindred spirits here.
Welcome. I’m not sure there are any regular participants here that feel differently about polygamy than you do. I’m glad you’re here and I hope you come back and share more about your journey – we’re all together on this journey, yet we’re all alone at the same time. I think it’s easy to confuse our relationship with God and our relationship with the church. They can seem so intertwined and related, and even seem like one sometimes. They are not. The church is not God (nor the gospel) and God (and the gospel) are not the church.
Although I didn’t go to church for a number of years, I do go now and sometimes it is hard. I don’t have anxiety, it’s just hard to listen to some of the dogmatism sometimes, and I can say the last few Sundays have been a bit tougher than normal. (Yesterday’s SM on the wonders of the temple was tough.) Nonetheless, I am a Mormon, I’m not something else. I don’t hold that we have more truth than anyone else, but you’re right, there is something that holds me here and I’m not sure exactly what it is.
As OON said, focus on what you do believe (for me that is the simple truths of core gospel principles). Maybe you could consider seeing a counselor about the anxiety? Just a thought.
Audrey, welcome to the site! I’ve found this to be a safe place to put your perspective out there. For a lot of us here, we aren’t able to talk about what we’re going through with our spouse, friends, family, etc., because they don’t understand or don’t want to hear it. It’s great to have a place to come where you can be open about questions and/or doubts and not be made to feel like you’re tainted because you aren’t practicing blind obedience. I really enjoyed reading your post, because I can relate with what you’re going through. The whole polygamy issue was a big one for me as well. And, I think a lot of people have that initial reaction that you did. Questioning God, instead of questioning the prophets. We’re raised to believe that the prophets are untouchable, and will never lead us astray. I cringe when I think of the primary kids singing that song, “Follow the prophet, follow the prophet, follow the prophet, don’t go astray!” Ugh!! But, it looks like you’ve come back around and have begun questioning the prophets before questioning God. That’s where I’m at as well. I don’t believe God had anything to do with polygamy (or much else that Joseph Smith and Brigham Young put out there). I’ve taken myself all the way back to the fundamentals of what Jesus Christ taught. You’ll find your own balance, but that’s where I’ve found mine.
Welcome, and I look forward to seeing what we can all learn from you as well.
Hi Audrey, I’m glad you found us. Yes polygamy is a real mess, I am glad I don’t feel any pressure to believe it as a divine principle in today’s church. I do wish and hope we can distance ourselves from it the way we have from the priesthood ban, but it looks like that day may not come soon. I hope we hear more from you, make yourself at home. What resonates with you at church? I really enjoy studying the new testament this year, Jesus taught us the way as far as I’m concerned, and I don’t pretend to understand the atonement the way I often hear it explained.
Welcome – feel free to read old threads, we have hacked Polygamy to bits, we have embraced afterlife, and hugged each other on bad days. We can’t wait to add your input. Welcome. Glad to have you aboard.
Welcome Audrey, Yes Polygamy doesn’t make any sense. My own interpretation is that it went hand in hand with the law of adoption/kingdom building. IOW that a particular man that was going to the celestial kingdom could put his seal of blessing and protection upon a group of people that could be grandfathered into heaven with him. The entourage gains the patronage of the righteous man and the righteous man gains greater glory the larger his entourage. In my mind this scenario fits with all the different wierd stuff going on back then – including polyandry. I believe that temple sealings also began in large part tied to these ideas of polygamy and the law of adoption as a way to formalize these relationships that were outside societal norms.
Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately depending on your perspective) our understanding of heaven and temple ceremonies has evolved to reinforce the traditional nuclear family relationship. IMO this makes it almost impossible to understand the theology of the time because it is so foreign to us. BY meant what he said about polygamy being required in heaven because for him polygamy was the key to kingdom building on earth that would travel with him and become the basis of his kingdom in the eternities.
Looked at from an anthropological perspective it is fascinating.
OTOH, my own TBM DW has said that she suspects God is polygymous and that he values sons more than daughters. It feels like she has at some level sacrificed her self worth in order to maintain a belief in the restoration and that really saddens me.
Audrey wrote:I have gone to other churches a few times because I just need time to really worship God and not have to think about everything else. I would like to stay. I feel like there is something here that isn’t in other churches. Maybe it’s some truth that isn’t elsewhere (I really hope so, but I’m choosing to shelf a lot of things for the time being) or maybe the LDS church is just home.
My family and I participate regularly at other churches (the LDS is still and always our “home church”). I find that this supplements my spirituality and diversifies our social relationships. This helps me to feel less smothered by all things Mormon.
In the end, I believe that the modern LDS church is a very good organization and it really works well for many people. OTOH, in order to receive a percentage of the benefits one must believe it (However one might make sense of it all). This puts some individuals in a tight spot of loving the organization even when it is no longer working 100% for them personally.
On another level entirely, I once had a spiritual experience where I felt the love and acceptance of God wash over me. This was as a “revelation” to me that perhaps God doesn’t care so much about my performance and rule adherance. Maybe He really does care about me and the journey of discovery I am on. I am 100% certain that my gender does not factor in.
Hi, Audrey – Really glad you’re here. :wave: Quote:It’s been hard to look over my life and realize some of the choices I have made likely weren’t the best and were done with the intent of following the prophet.
I get the impression that this why some people end up in a full-bore crisis. When you read around online, there is a lot of bitterness and regret. I’ve had to acknowledge that I was probably the type at that age who was easily influenced, and if it hadn’t been the church it would have been something else, possibly with worse outcomes. I’m thankful to be where I am now, crisis and all, and I try to look forward and teach my kids to think for themselves more than I did. (And it’s necessary. My 17 year-old came home from church yesterday and told us about the stake visitor’s lesson to all the YM and YW. He talked about the importance of not being friends with people who don’t share your standards and getting married right after a mission, schooling, readiness and all other considerations aside.)
Quote:Anyway, so I was working through all of this and felt like I was making some progress when the church polygamy essays came out which basically endorsed Joseph Smith’s angel story. That was hard to realize that our church leadership still thinks that is true.
One of the lowest points for me. Whammo.
Quote:At this point I feel like I’m making some progress with my relationship with God. Like I said, it really messed up how I saw myself in God’s eyes and I know I’m still pretty guarded because of it. Baby steps. Church is very hard. I get anxiety about going. I am so grateful for this forum and all of you who have been open working through your own stuff. It has been a soft place to land on my hard days.
At one point, I could hardly stand to hear the names of JS and BY at church. Time passes, though, and you get more used to the new you, your new mindset, etc. I’ve realized that I can probably still function at church. But like someone here said (can’t remember who), “It doesn’t have to be all church all the time.” I’ve been enjoying my mental freedom. Good luck!
Hi Audrey…loved your post. Welcome. The things you wrote about…boggles my mind too. And it is a bit scary to me the things others come up with to try to make it have some sense to them. And when you see people seemingly justifying things with spiritual witnesses…it makes one pause about the whole process of revelation. I’m glad you joined the conversation.
I look forward to learning more from your posts. Thanks for sharing.
H13
Hi, Audrey! I sympathize with your distress and anxiety, and it was great to read your post and be able to empathize with your struggle with the Church’s history. Thank goodness for this site! I am glad you have found us. You are in good company here. Welcome to our Island of Misfit Toys. 
Welcome, to the safe forum. I had sort of the same struggle. But in a different way.
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