In limbo

I don’t know if there is a difference between a therapist and a counselor. I have seen a counselor. It can be really nice just to talk.

I have reduced my participation at church over the years. Over the last year I would work in the mornings and get to church just as sacrament was ending and then go to my calling in primary. I was there but also pretty diconnected to what was going on outside of primary. What I worry about is it being a feedback loop. I don’t fit in so I pull back. Others notice my pull back. They either judge me as less faithful or reach out to me with a “we miss you at church” or both. I feel less comfortable at church events and pull back further.

I currently am in a bit of a holding pattern in regards to church particiapation but I do still worry about the trajectory.

I’m not in their tribe… but that realization makes my thoughts wander toward wondering if I’m subconsciously walling myself off into a tribe of one.

In a way that is what transitioning out of stage 3 faith is all about. You are no longer in lock-step with your tribe on issues as you develop a more personalized faith and faith journey. There needs to be a certain level of comfort with being a salmon in a sea of trout.

Another way to look at it is that you are now joining the global tribe as you learn to see the shared experiences common to the human condition. There is a wide world out there full of people. Can we connect with them without the shorthand of a common belief system? Can we do good and make a difference without an assignment? (speaking generally and not to you personally nibbler)

Another thing, I’ve gone through quite a bit over the last several years, both in going through a FC and the events that facilitated the crisis. I feel like the experiences I’ve had have alienated me from most people. People in general (not just people at church) get harder and harder to relate to. Of course no one knows what other people are going through but as I sit in EQ I feel like I’m in there with a bunch of innocent children. I want to be careful and state that I’m not saying that I feel like I’m in an elevated position to anyone in the quorum, rather I get the impression that I can’t relate to them and they can’t relate to me. I’m not in their tribe… but that realization makes my thoughts wander toward wondering if I’m subconsciously walling myself off into a tribe of one.

I know what you mean, but sometimes people surprise me. I’ll go out on a limb in a (private) conversation, and they go farther. Only very occasionally, but it’s worth the effort it takes to engage. The best thing, as this FC wears on, is that I care less and less about what people think of me. I’m still at ridiculously high levels, but I know it’s coming down. I’m also working to make my non-LDS relationships deeper and more honest.

Sometimes when I feel I don’t relate to people anymore, it’s actually me realizing that I don’t relate to my old self. My faith crisis and health issues were a perfect storm that washed away so much of what I had invested in. But I’m still alive, and I’m still going to church, a trying to find new ways to do both.

Good luck. 🙂 You’ll let us know how it goes?

Eliminating something without adding something else only leaves holes – and leaves that from which the things were eliminated less than it was.

Don’t let yourself become less. You’re worth too much for that.

Social interactions and lifestyle and activities that take our time and our family’s time is a big part of the “living the gospel”. That’s why they use words like “active” and “committed”…it is a way of life we often benefit from. It’s totally appropriate to talk about in this support forum.

I benefited from it for years as I raised a small family. Being so on the go and kids involved in activities at church and callings…some things were obligatory (going to socials to support those who spent time to organize activities)…being involved in the “club” is good for a time in our lives.

But when it stopped being beneficial and more of a drain, it was time to make an adjustment on “activity”.

Give yourself permission to slow down, focus on the most important things, prioritize, and find peace.

I’m “passionate” about Sunday naps They work for me…they rejuvenate.

You’re the captain of your ship, you no longer have to keep trying the obligatory in hopes it will pay off some day. You have experience to choose what is the best use of time…even if that is Saturdays to yourself or Sunday naps. Meditating on why you feel something is missing is a good use of time.

How long have you been in the new ward for?

I was in a unique situation. I was attending a different unit in our stake to fill an assignment, I simply transferred back to my home ward. I asked to be released back to my home ward so I could be with my family (they didn’t transfer their records with me). I wanted to be closer to family as we dealt with some difficult things in our extended family. I wasn’t quite ready to go back but I felt it was the best move given the circumstances.

Is it a very cliquey small town ward based around families?

No but there is an extremely high turnover. I was away from my home ward for several years and by the time I got back I’d guess that more than 75% of the people weren’t there when I originally took the assignment. I’ve been in my home ward for 15+ years and that’s pretty much the way it’s always been. Over a period of two years or so about 75% of the ward is replaced with new people (college town). It makes it difficult to make connections. If you’re the type that prefers few, deep, and lasting friendships knowing that most people you see in church aren’t going to be around in under two years time has its influence.

And I might as well ask, if the worst comes to the worst, is there another you can transfer to?

It’s a good ward so I don’t think it would ever come to that… and Ann’s right. It takes effort but right now it might be a matter of priorities.

I’m “passionate” about Sunday naps They work for me…they rejuvenate.

Passionate about naps. I like it. Enter into my rest and all that jazz.

Strange times. I’m completely clear and free to make my own choice and my choice is to engage with the church… a group that I really can’t relate to anymore. I recognize that my inability to relate to people extends far beyond just the people at church so now I wonder if finding a way to engage with the church somehow ironically holds the key to my salvation.

There’s a lot in what you stated here, and I can relate. I look at the church as a laboratory of dealing with some people that I really can’t stand. It may sound harsh, and I’m a pretty tolerant person, but hear me out.

If you’re quiet and a little socially awkward like me, you have times that everything falls into place and you can do whatever you want to regardless of those around you, that is to say, your awkwardness doesn’t hinder you. Then there are people that you have to deal with, because of some power trip or self righteousness, they just throw a wrench into your gears.

These people may be well meaning and not have ulterior motives, but dealing with them is tough.

Maybe we’re supposed to deal with them, and learn to not be controlled by manipulators, act and not be acted upon.

So your statement about you salvation rings home to me as well. We become better people as we overcome. I am encouraged by your words and want to break out of the rut that I’m in as well.

people that you have to deal with, because of some power trip or self righteousness, they just throw a wrench into your gears.

And I often feel like taking that wrench out of the gears and chunking it their thick cranium. 😈

You’ll find those people everywhere.

I find the people in the church better in general than those outside the church, but there’s no doubt in my mind that our twin problems are pride/arrogance and “only obeying orders” (the Nuremberg defense.)