Call to talk to the Bishop

Just as a side note, I think the official criteria for an “active Mormon” (as in statistics that the church keeps) is attendance once per month.

Lately, I’ve been working off the program that the ultimate objective of our lives is to “find and preserve our inner peace”.

It sounds as if these meetings with the Bishop are not a positive, peace-keeping experience. If you feel ripped on about lack of attendance, etcetera, then I wouldn’t go to the meeting with the Bishop. I have done as you have done — gotten involved in the community, and for me, that’s just as good as being involved at church. You can serve humanity in a number of ways. Many are just as valid as in the church. The church isn’t the only game in town — I think we both know that. Just keep yourself active at church and connected to the extent your testimony and conscience dictates.

And remember, you are in the drivers’ seat. They can’t fire you, cut your benefits, or demote you. They can’t foreclose on your house, or make your insurance rates go up. They can’t bring you up on charges that matter before the official law unless you do in fact, break the law. Your life is your own to live, by the dictates of your own conscience.

This doesn’t mean that you won’t ever serve again, but it does mean that you may serve, in the future on your own terms. It sounds like your bishop is on the “church member as employee” model, and that doesn’t work for many of us!

Also, yes — Wards have a responsibilty to make sure they live the harmonious relationship values that are supposed to be the fruits of religion. I have several music groups that I form, and “sell” to clients for various music entertainment needs. The pay is low, so it’s like working with volunteers. I have to be really careful that drama doesn’t enter any of the groups. or they quit. If I am going to serve in an organization, I want it to be fulfilling, and not another burden — and drama, backbiting, gossip, and all these other relationship-destroying features of an organization don’t belong in organizations like the church. I know we are not perfect, but it’s up to the leaders to set the example, the tone, and the culture. They have talks, 5th Sunday and a whole host of ways of teaching and training members. They need to use them.

I was in a Ward like Zion once — the people were doers, and there was no drama. They refused to participate in gossip, and they kept the church clean and pure of the toxicity that mean people bring to a Ward. I admired them. And it activated me almost immediately.

If I were dealing with a difficult bishop I would probably make liberal use of the phrase, “I’m giving/doing as much as I can right now.”

I might say something like “Bishop I see how much you and others are giving to the church and I completely admire and respect that. I know what I am contributing/doing is not up to expectations. I feel that and I am not proud of it. I also know that right now it is all that I can give. I hope that I am able to do more in the future but for right now – I am doing all I can do.”

This last part does 4 things:

1) Honor and respect his position and his service. This can be much easier if you actually like your bishop, but even if you don’t i believe the bishop would be less prickly if he doesn’t feel challenged.

2) Acknowledge that you are not satisfied with where you are. Bishops look for contrition as a precursor to repentance. They may also feel challenged if you do not feel the need to make changes.

3) “All I can give right now” is perfect because it is so hard to argue with.

4) Keep hope alive for future change. IMO this goes hand in hand with the previous three steps. IF I honor my bishop and the structure of the priesthood, AND I feel that more is expected of me, AND right now my circumstances do not permit me to give more – THEN it stands to reason that when my circimstances change I will give more.

My goal is to participate in the LDS church as much as is healthy and balanced for me at this time in my life. My goal is to baptise my children when they come of age (even if I am not permitted to confirm, I would like to perform the baptisms). I would like to keep the door open for more participation and possibly a TR in the future.

This is how I am dealing with my church leadership at this time.

My first piece of advice – You don’t have to meet with the Bishop if you don’t want to. If you feel like the meeting will be unproductive you can kindly say, “No thanks.”

I agree with mom3. If it isn’t going to be an uplifting experience, don’t go.

The church is there to support families. Families don’t need to be obligated or coerced to be there for the the church. The church rolls on with our without us.

So you choose what your family needs from the church.

A good, loving leader will make you feel welcome and loved and appreciated for whatever you can do.

Other leaders are trying to do what they can, but miss the point. Just wait…they rotate.

Good points, the church was made for us, not us for the church. Programs and callings are there for the members, not to be filled regardless. I’m not advocating being a taker only, give back as much if not more than is taken. Serving should not be an undue burden. Help stretch a little to grow, but there’s a fine line between serving and being taken advantage of.

Good clarification…don’t be a taker only.

Don’t be a freeloader, and don’t be a serf. Look at it as a healthy balanced relationship of give and take for what fills your life with more than if you didn’t have it.