Pinpointing the start of faith issues

For me it was simply a point of critical mass. I was doing everything right, trying hard, HP at young age, bishopric, HC, and I was feeling horrible all the time with all my church related work. I didn’t know why I felt terrible, exhausted, burnt out and feeble. I was paying my tithing, going to the temple, supporting the missionary effort, guiding the flock.

But my brain could no longer compartmentalise reality from the gospel, and it just did a big Blue Screen of Death reset one weekend. I decided to get to the bottom of all the mysteries, and after a 2 year mission doing so, my mind was clear, and so was my soul. What was left however, was a mormon in name only. All the assumed guilt and perceived shortcomings of being a natural man trying hopelessly to achieve church perfection and endure to the end, was simply gone.

I do think the essay written and posted on our main page has a pretty good summary that fit a lot of people:

– Caring too much, not too little (the literal view, studying your way out of the church, and being burned out by self stress)

– Stumbled across difficult Church history

– Never received a witness (or not receiving inspiration in times of need)

– Confused about the difference between the spirit and emotion

– You Met Some Amazingly Righteous Non-Mormons

– You Did the Math on the Number of LDS Worldwide, and Throughout Time

– Political Differences with Church Leadership

– Not Feeling Inspired in Church

For my journey, I struggled through the revelation aspect…a time of bitter crisis and not receiving witnesses or inspiration and then becoming confused between the spirit and emotion that made me seriously study.

–>Then I became burned out.

–> Then I stumbled across difficult history and teachings. (Polygamy and Blacks and the Priesthood mostly)

–> Then I met non-mormons that are amazing.

–>Then did the math.

–> Started to feel less inspired at church.

And that was when the “caring too much not too little” really took hold and I had to find new approaches to things happening in my life. In 2009 I met Ray and HG online and they told me to come to this site. And I’m here.

I can call mine clearly – The first slide came when I talked to a church historian about polygamy. There I am on the phone with a guy in Salt Lake and a story that I had never heard was being described to me. I couldn’t believe it. As our conversation ended I thanked him and innocently said, “I wish I had been able to find the information myself.” His reply, “Me, too. It would make things a lot easier.” His comment, I believe, opened the door for the next flood.

I didn’t consciously question things, but there was now a gap in my confidence about what wasn’t being told. As we began to teach seminary that gap grew. Not just from me. We had a very bright class of kids who really took “study the scriptures” seriously. They also attended school with some intense bible thumping evangelicals (I love evangelicals – but our kids didn’t attend a normal high school with lots of divergent personalities – it was evangelical driven which is kind of like moving to Utah – it flavors everything and you can’t escape it). Back to Seminary – Our kids asked some serious questions because their friends who push them on things like Grace vs. Works, Baptism for the dead, etc. The more I studied the lesson manual and then the scriptures huge holes developed. By the time we got around to teaching Church History which should really just be called Doctrine and Covenants I was on a ledge. I hated attending CES training, I began to feel brainwashed, controlled, contrived. Fate stepped in before I crashed, and our seminary class was disbanded due to the kids aging out.

Today I am still working through the shift. I think it will take a lifetime. Since seminary I can no longer sit through any adult Sunday School Class. My heart just breaks every time.

It has been an interesting exercise to look backwards as many of the fissure points have been much more clearly identified. At the time, one or two cracks appear, you think you have patched them up, but the next shift cracks them again, rinse repeat, until the cracks are too large to ignore.

For me it was a combination of things:

1) Attending Ricks College – I never fit into the dogmaticness or strictness of the religion. This became apparent at Ricks where my prevailing attitude after enduring a year was “If that was some representation of the Celestial Kingdom, count me out. Not interested.”

2) Praying for a witness of the BOM on my mission and not receiving any type of answer. In fact, pretty much going my whole life to that point without feeling any type of divine guidance or connection. I kept hearing all these amazing stories of people and missionaries being inspired and I kept hoping I would have something like that happen to me, but never did. Made me feel like I must have been doing something wrong and must not have been worthy or the Lord didn’t have confidence in me (this notion of feeling ashamed and unworthy still makes me angry. It is probably the biggest sticking point for me).

3) I never quite bought the JS and BOM story, but went along with it. Once I learned a bit more about some of the historical, archeological, and DNA concerns it was just a straw on top of the issues above.

Those were the main fissures (the big ones) though there are more of them now, big and small. But so it is, and we continue on and do the best we can. Have a blessed weekend.

-SBRed

So many small things throughout life. But I think eventually, it was polygamy. I remember my wife and I were heavily invested in helping her sister and her daughter find their way back into the church. We had so many successes with them. Eventually my sil started praying and watching conference talks because it made her feel at peace. Then one night we were all watching the show Sister Wives, which I had found to be a surprisingly interesting and wholesome show. They were touring Nauvoo, and their guide, a Mormon historian talked to them about Joseph Smiths wives. I was getting uncomfortable, and then the tour guide told them that JS was a husband to his wives “in every sense of the word.” My niece looked at my wife and I totally startled and said “is this legit?!?” I had no clue what to say. It was all new to me. My faith had humiliated me. I think I became determined to always have an answer after that. Which of course led me to learn of polyandry on a fairlds website, and realize that I knew almost nothing about my church.

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When I started think rationally and for myself things became more clear. All the historical inconsistencies and doctrinal strangeness just confirmed what I perceived on my own. I just wonder why it took so long it figure it all out. It speaks to the power Mormonism has over its members, especially those raised in the church.

[Admin Note]: Knock it off, Cadence. You know better than that last sentence. You can make the exact same point without taking a silly shot at the LDS Church and anyone who disagrees with you – and, yes, it is a silly shot. Just because there is truth in it doesn’t make it any less silly in context – and HIGHLY selective. For someone who touts his objectivity and logic, you take a lot of subjective, illogical potshots here. You have doing it for years here, and it is getting really old.

Everybody has a hard time letting go of what they learned as children. Even abused kids who loathe their abusers often end up abusing. Conversely, those who learn deep love and respect usually model it.

That is true of all religions, denominations and lack thereof – and even many non-religious organizations. Kids raised by good parents who are atheists are more prone to be atheist themselves, just like many kids end up in the same job fields as a parent. Kids raised by atheist parents who are abusive or just general jerks are more prone to find religion. Kids tend to support or oppose the political views of their parents, depending on the quality of the parenting.

Also, you have been told multiple times to stop calling all believers irrational, but you keep doing it. Stop it.

You are intelligent, so I’m sure you know that what you said is true of everyone on this planet – so I have to assume your insult was calculated – especially since you’ve been saying similar things on a regular basis for a long time.

So, make your points (like the rest of your comment) and lay off the sweeping broadsides directed exclusively at the LDS Church (like the last sentence) and all believers. We’ve been extremely patient, since you’ve been here a long time. That ends now.