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OK. I did a round of private messages where I put myself out there and subject to some honest feedback. Some of it hurt (in a good way) and I’m over it, and ready to accept that I have a problem that impacts my service to humanity, and service to the church. And I would like to overcome it. I alluded to it in a thread yesterday, and Ann called it the High High Paradigm (thanks Ann). Here is a definition of the High High Paradigm. In sharing it, I hope I can get some ideas about how to alter it — it interferes with my long term commitment to organizations.
The High High Paradigm.
I’m an achiever with strong vision and execution. The idea of taking a vision, and making it reality is probably one of THE most rewarding experiences I can have in this life. It is so motivating for me, I put out very high levels of commitment to tackle medium and high intensity goals. As I put in long hours, there are times when it HURTS. I am pushing myself and the natural man to work, say “no” to obstacles and find ways around them, and often, hard work is my greatest tool. I make pretty big sacrifices, definitely in terms of my time, often my personal finances, and with my family. It’s not uncommon to push myself to fatigue and to work into the wee hours, or get up at ridiculously early times to meet deadlines multiple times a week. I occasionally reach points I have to take a day and simply do nothing to recharge.
As I put out this high commitment, I find my expectations of how people support me, or react to me — heightens (hence the High High moniker). I start doing a cost-benefit analysis regarding the time invested, and what I get out of the experience. Sure, seeing the vision a reality is a huge motivator (which sometimes does not actually materialize, but often does), but I also seem to expect that others will do things such as this:
a) Keep promises they make voluntarily, on their own terms (I have learned to let volunteers decide their level of involvement and commit to whatever they feel they can give).
b) Be civil — not lose their temper, not walk out of meetings, not spew derogatory, hurtful comments about me to others.
c) Be kind when I make mistakes.
d) Consider the tangible benefits I might be getting out of the experience, and support me in achieving them (these are usually free things like letters of reference, inclusion in projects that affect me, and not ignoring me or excluding me from meetings). Often I state these tangible benefits up front.
Invariably, people don’t meet these expectations. They blow off commitments they agreed to, on their own terms, leaving me hanging and severely inconvenienced, often nullifying my own work unless I do their job. They get angry, lose their temper without intentional provocation, and act with disrespect. They are often critical or punitive if I make mistakes (which, when others make them, I consider it learning and tend to be pretty soft about it, provided we learn from the experience). They will often take my ample free labor, and then deny me tangible benefits. Often they simply take me for granted. There is an example of a tangible benefit below the end of this post so you see what I mean.
So, High Commitment leads to High Expectations of others.
Surely the gospel says “give without expecting anything in return”, but I see that even Jesus expects something in return — he expects repentance for salvation. So, even his sacrifice was not without strings attached. If he do no repent, we don’t get the benefit of the gift. God expects us to keep our end of covenants before he delivers on his own.
Some have suggested that I work on a LOW-LOW MODEL. This is where I produce low expectations by putting in low levels of effort. I have a problem with that as low effect doesn’t help me grow, doesn’t often achieve much, and doesn’t interest me over the long term.
Others have suggested a HIGH LOW model, where you put out high levels of commitment, yet somehow, manage to hold low expectations of others. Apparently, others should be able to lose their temper at me, break commitments THEY FASHIONED, on their own terms, renig on tangible benefits, and treat me like an employee when I make a mistake — often rebuking without kindness.
I would like to figure out how to put out high levels of commitment (as this at least, preserves the charge I get out making vision, reality), while maintaining low expectations of others.
If anyone can help me understand how to do this, I would be appreciated. Below is a story that describes tangible benefits and how people have broken them in the past.
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Quote:Years ago, I had a part-time disc jockey service. Our Ward asked me to DJ a dance for a fee. I agreed, put it on my calendar. I was thrilled, as a 25 year old that I had my first client that would pay me to play recorded music at a dance. I expanded my music library, bought some new equipment, and looked with enthusiasm to putting on this event as it would build a history of successful work for other clients. Then, two weeks before the event, I was told the Stake President was no longer willing to pay people to spin music at events. I was out.
About five days later, someone from ward called me, asking me if they could use my equipment to do the dance. They had the music, but needed the equipment. I can’t remember what I said, but the injustice of the situation seemed horrendous.
At the time, I was serving as an acting EQ president, had just finished a mission (I left at 23 due to financial concerns that delayed my entry into the mission field, was paying tithing, and was a strong performer in the Ward).
This baffled me. I had not instigated the paid arrangement, I had gone forward in good faith to serve the Ward, and then — that.
What also bothered me was that our church is built on a truth/integrity/character platform. We are constantly preached about it. How could the church members show such utter lack of commitment-keeping??? I remained active, but this experience, I think typifies the tangible benefit issue I have seen in this, and other organizations. And how the expectations of I have them, when not met, lead to disheartenment.
I just sent you a PM on this subject:
Quote:
I am taking a graduate course on leadership and this is reminding me about the differences between positional power and personal power.Ideally positional power and personal power would coincide. The leader would be good at motivating people without compulsory means.
In volunteer organizations there are big limits on positional power. Even if you are the president – everyone you deal with are volunteers.
That leaves personal power to get what you want done. Some people are better at this than others but even if you were amazing at inspiring others there are limits. (even in the LDS church where we feel that our salvation is on the line it can be hard to get people to do home teaching)
According to the textbook it is difficult to maintain personal power over the long term because of its unstable nature. It is inconsistent and etherial without the reinforcing positional power to back it up.
So yes, achieving great things without positional power may always be frustrating, always be short term and unstable. It sounds like you have done real good in a short amount of time. I would try not to feel bad that it wasn’t sustainable. I believe that this is just the nature of the beast with volunteer organizations.
Just a thought.
I personally do not feel that High-Low would work for me. I believe in giving without any expectation in return – but that means that I give what I can afford to lose without any recompense. When I give more than what I might have as surplus (in time, money, effort, etc.) I have expectations of a return of some sort.
Some people may be able to give and give and give but I am not one of them. I am not sure that I could ever be like that even if I spent my whole life on it. I try to play to my strengths and accept my needs and limitations.
One of the ways I have been able to cope with returning to church is that I have no expectations of either the church or its members. Therefore anything I get is gravy. Tis better to have served and lost than never to have served at all? Roy wrote:I personally do not feel that High-Low would work for me. I believe in giving without any expectation in return – but that means that I give what I can afford to lose without any recompense. When I give more than what I might have as surplus (in time, money, effort, etc.) I have expectations of a return of some sort.
Interesting. I’ve never really thought about it in those terms before.
I tend to agree with Roy — I do expect something in return, but only when the sacrifice is large. For small sacrifices (such as showing up and painting a home, like I did with 20 other people a couple years ago), I don’t expect much, other than civility. But if I’m goign to commit 20 hours per week for a year, then I owe it to my family, life, and career to see some kind of return — whether intangible or tangible. However, I would like to be able to give those 20- hours a week without expecting anything — DJ says he expects nothing — so, what mental attitudes do you (or anyone else with an idea here) adopt that allow you to give until it hurts, yet expect nothing — even in terms of results, civility, kindness, or other intangibles? And how do you respond to blatant broken promises (such as the tangible situation at the bottom of my opening post)?
I don’t give til hurts, SD. If I’m understanding you correctly, that’s the other high. If I don’t feel like doing something I just don’t. In some ways it’s sort of a reverse of “to whom much is given.” Since I don’t get or expect much I don’t feel all that obligated to give much, and the less I give the less I expect. During my years of inactivity I expected absolutely nothing except maybe to be left alone. That said, and knowing what I know of you, our points of view are quite different. I am not the giver you are, nor do I have the passion you have.
DarkJedi wrote:I don’t give til hurts, SD. If I’m understanding you correctly, that’s the other high. If I don’t feel like doing something I just don’t. In some ways it’s sort of a reverse of “to whom much is given.” Since I don’t get or expect much I don’t feel all that obligated to give much, and the less I give the less I expect. During my years of inactivity I expected absolutely nothing except maybe to be left alone.
That said, and knowing what I know of you, our points of view are quite different. I am not the giver you are, nor do I have the passion you have.
It sounds like you are on the LOW LOW program then. I am not criticizing that program at all — in fact, that is one of the ways so much gets done in non-profits and service organizations — a core of HIGH COMMITMENT people ask people for low commitment help — small jobs, which sum to something great.
The fact is, the service organizations meet your low expectations — do they not? And your low expectations are partly a function of the relatively lower level of commitment you bring to the organization (not that you are a benchwarmer, but speaking relatively to what you perceive in my own efforts).
Yes, I think you’re right SD. I wasn’t always that way, in my TBM days I was definitely high/high. The church can certainly be a low/low organization as well. While there are some higher expectations of some locals leaders (bishops, SPs), others can get away with fairly low levels of service because there is so much division of labor. I often think of what my SP said when he issued the call: it can be as much or as little as I like. What do I like? I don’t mind the twice monthly meetings (I actually feel what I think is the Spirit there more often than any other meetings including SM); I love speaking (partly because I learn and partly because I really do think it helps me feel closer to God); I don’t mind pitching in with ushering at conference or helping with the dish-to-pass between sessions. In our stake it’s tradition that the stake YMP is a HC – I’d balk at that (it’s OK, the current guy is new, it was the SP’s job before). I’m not a great home teacher, I’m not even a good home teacher – if I could pick who I am “assigned” to I might be better. I’ll show up to a service project if it fits my schedule and it’s not at some odd time like 6 am on Saturday or 3 on a weekday afternoon – and if it’s something I want to do.
This is sort of a glass half full/glass half empty thing. Where some might see everything as high/high (probably mostly black and white thinkers), I’m much more likely to see things as low/low. Face it, if some things don’t get done the world still spins and nobody is headed to outer darkness because of it.
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