The role of apologizing

I believe strongly in the power of apologizing – for what I have done. It gets really tricky, however, when I start presuming I can apologize for someone else.

I do not believe in saying I forgive those who have not hurt me directly. I think it cheapens forgiveness in a very real way and can lead to judging those who have been hurt directly and struggle to forgive. It leads to, “I forgave. Why can’t you?” That is wrong and actually damaging.

I think the same can be said generally about apologizing for others. I think a statement acknowledging past wrongs and a commitment to change the past wrong is what is most important.

Forgiveness is, in my mind, very much like repentance – it is an ongoing process although specific incidents can have closure. I think that closure is necessary, but that all closure may not come in this life.

There is a cycle that I see happening in many relationships — there is a period of excitement when you meet the new person or organization. There is a honeymoon period after you commit (I am not talking only about romantic love, I am talking about friendships, membership, involvement, volunteerism). Then there is a some kind of infraction, such as a betrayal of trust, or some other offense. Most people let them go or don’t talk about it (them). That kind of discussion is uncomfortable. And if they do express their unhappiness, then sometimes the offender doesn’t think they, the offender did anything wrong, which can damage the relationship. Sometimes, they apologize for the offense, without really believing they did anything wrong, which at least can help repair the relationship.

In most situations the person who feels wronged eventually distances themselves from the relationship. The exception appears to be in situations where there are legal/tangible consequences of separation, such as in marriage, employment or other contractual relationships. But as many of us know, even those obligations can be insufficient to prevent separation.

I think apologizing is critical in sustaining commitment to relationships.

I agree that you should not apologize on behalf of someone else. It’s easy to apologize on behalf of someone else. And it means very little. We had a Bishop apologize on behalf of an LDS Social Services director years ago, and it meant very little to us. In fact, it made us feel trapped as the Bishop felt we had been apologized to, and the church had given its official apology on the matter. So we were now in the doghouse of unforgiveness while hurting deeply, when for all we knew, the offender felt justified in his decisiom.

One person even said that we were worse than the offender because we weren’t forgiving — quoting the parable. Talk about blaming the victim and kicking the wounded.

I also believe Jesus’ parable about the unforgiving servant has its problems. Such as leading people to blame the victim — it’s even worse when the offender blames the victim after apologizing. Offenders should keep quiet and give time for the offended to heal. It’s NEVER the place of the offender to counsel the offended about the timeline of forgiveness. And I say that knowing full well the danger of uncategorical statements or use of the word “never”.

I think that if you feel someone has been wronged, and you have authority, it can be worthwhile to go to the offender to determine what happened, and encourage apologies if possible. you can tell the offended person you cared enough to look into the problem, felt an apology was in order and encouraged it — and express empathy, but apologizing on behalf of an unrepentant offender does little good. It can actually be destructive when coupled with expectations the offender must suddenly “get over it” on someone else’s timeline.

With that groundwork in mind, what role does apologizing have in forgiveness?

Apologizing is the lubricant that keeps relationships alive, and prevents separation. I believe that unconditional forgiveness is overrated, and near impossible for some people. It leads to blaming the victim, self-righteousness on the part of the offender after they apologize, and further alienates people in their relationships. it also sets up unrealistic expectations for timelines of forgiveness for the offender.

Shame on people who do that…they are no help.

I got that cwald. Is that DHO’s opinion or is it policy? I don’t see a whole lot of things the church can or should seek apologies for, but I clearly believe the church could apologize. Nevertheless, that’s not what the thread is intended to be about.

As a friend and not an admin:

Don’t be a troll, cwald. Honor the wishes of the people who write posts here.

At some point you have to forgive others and apologize for your own mistakes. Until you do that, blasting others for not doing it merely is hypocritical and a sign of bitterness that is cancerous.

Silentdawning – that was a very good post. Accurate, IMO.

Ray – why not just let the discussion go where it goes? You don’t have to control the discussion on every thread in this forum.

I believe apologizing helps the medicine go down, so to speak. I started the thread on forgiveness, the people whose lives taught me about forgiveness were never apologized to, they had chosen on their own to make room for and act with forgiveness. I am not spiritually mature enough to do that yet. I hope to be someday.

In the meantime I look for ways to improve my sincere apologizing or at least asking for “How I hurt them” moments.

As to apologizing for someone else, no it can’t be done, but if my friends and I did/said/didn’t do something that caused another harm, I feel that I have full responsibility to apologize for my part in the event.

Apologies and forgiveness are the bricks that build bridges.

I would add that we are commanded to forgive whether we receive an apology or not. In that regard, apologizing has nothing to do with forgiveness. It has more to do with repentance, and repentance and forgiveness are very different things.