Death + Anger Stage

It is a natural part of grieving. Hang in there.

One thing, and please take this only as a way to try to find perspective and acceptance:

There is no peace in anger at someone for being who they are – and for living with a view that can help them be happy. There are multiple ways to deal with people who see things differently than we do, but letting go of anger at them simply for being who they are is an important step. It doesn’t happen immediately or even quickly for many people, but understanding is key.

Thank you for stopping by and telling us. Feel free to vent away. In this process we all hit deep angry times. It may not seem like it when we chat here, but we have, please don’t take our short answers as dismissive of your pain. A few weeks ago Sacrament Meeting nearly killed me. I was angry for days. Even posting here didn’t take it away. I wanted to avenge my anger. I plotted how to do it. I didn’t carry it out, but I am learning to let myself be present in my anger. It’s not an instant cure all, but I think it helps me move forward better when I acknowledge it. Some days that rage goes all the way up the chain to God. Lots of why and why not and why me?

I am impressed that you have taken time to reflect and select what you don’t want to be. It’s my experience, that when we choose something by ourselves in our own hearts, that choice becomes a powerful beacon for us.

Please drop by when you can, even for 2 minutes just to share. Write out your angry thoughts – full energy, full volume, full vocabulary. Don’t edit, don’t change, don’t try to be nice. Take 10 or 20 min. daily to do it. When the time is up, rip up the paper and throw it away. Then get up and move onto something else. Even if its just taking a walk and counting trees or clouds. Your sanity and soul deserve it.

We believe in you.

I’m glad you’ve stopped by again, university. Anger is perfectly normal, although that doesn’t make it at all any easier to deal with. I initially found this forum because of my anger and my staunch desire not to go down the angry anti-Mormon path, and of course right when my FC happened, I very narrowly missed losing one of my parents to health issues–so I know somewhat how you feel, especially since I had several family members tell me how they -knew- there was an afterlife as Mormons believe. It’s tough.

I still feel anger sometimes; it’s gotten a whole lot better this year, but it still flares up every once in a while. A lot of help came from just being around a lot of unorthodox/lax and non-Mormons as friends to balance being around extremely orthodox family members, which I know isn’t an option for everyone. Like others have already suggested, though, this forum can sometimes service as an alternative. Please feel free to vent here. Many of us know what it’s like, and we’re here to listen when you need it. If you need to vent through PM, my inbox is always open.

University:

I am so sorry for your loss. What a horrible, awful thing to be dealing with.

On my life path, I felt like I was merrily walking along with my friends, all headed down the same path, going towards the same goal. Suddenly, God handed me a 100 pound sack of grief and loss and told me that I had to carry it. My friends could encourage, but I had to do the actual lifting. For a time, my ward, my friends, my colleagues rallied and encouraged me. They wanted to see me pick up that 100 pound sack and make some progress down the path of life. I wasn’t strong enough to do it.

Eventually,those people one by one, moved on down the path. They told me to catch up up when I could, but they needed to move on.

At first, I sat down and shook my fist at God. And I threw a tantrum. And I cried. A lot. Eventually, I got over the larger resentment and emotion and I got to work. Some days I hauled that stupid sack quite a distance. But then I was sore and had to go slower for a few days. Some days, I gave up and went back to throwing tantrums. Eventually, I got stronger. I dragged the sack. Lifted the sack. Eventually, I was able to swing the sack over my shoulder and stagger faster. With time, I got even stronger and learned to carry the burden well.

While going at a slower pace, I met other people who were also struggling with burdens. I learned lessons from them about how to better lift or balance my burden.

I never did catch up with the group of people I had started out with, but my path became worthwhile because of the good people I did meet.

Now, to look at me, someone would think my burden is light. It is not. It is the same 100 pound bag it has always been. But I have become stronger.

Just remember that real growth of strength doesn’t happen fast.

I remember seeing a presentation about positive choices to make while going through the stages of grief.

The idea was that the stages of grief were going to overtake us in some way and last for some time. However there are still some choices that are available to us in regards to trying to stay healthy and connected to our support networks as we move forward.

Anger is ok but should help us move to something better.

My $0.02

“God must need him for something more important.”

That sentiment almost destroyed one of my wife’s cousins as a youth when her mother died. I wish it would be buried and lost forever.

Hey University. I know how you feel about indecision about dating. I’m a mid 20s guy at BYU. The longer I go in my faith transition, the more perspective I gain on everything. Right now I’m at the point of, I can’t say I 100% believe in everything, but I hope for most of it, and that’s the basis of faith. God is probably ok with that and loves me anyways. If God lets such imperfect people lead us, he will surely be very merciful with us. It’s hard to think sometimes dating other people and having them accept that imperfection. We want to present that best face. I was in the same place as you, and didn’t want to put that burden on someone else.

But now I think someone who can accept that imperfection and loves me for me, and understands my faith is just a part of me and not the determining factor to how good of a husband I will be is what I need. And that person will probably be more Christlike, and a better loving, understanding parent. And that’s what I want my kids to have too. I would say it’s easy to be frustrated and try to push people away because you feel different, or that they just don’t understand your doubts and pains. And that’s ok that they don’t. They don’t have to. But don’t give up everything else you have with those relationships just because they aren’t able to get that one part of you. Don’t feel like you need to casually date or do anything you don’t want to. The only timeline that you have is the one you set for yourself.

Don’t take it too fast. Don’t feel like you have to make a decision right now. You know that. But, it took Christ 30 years to really come to terms with who he was and his mission in life. Just a little perspective.