TBM and wanting to stay that way but….

Welcome to the forum. I’m glad you found us.

Please understand that I mean this out of concern for you and I have no ill intent, but the first thing I suggest is professional help for your depression and self medication.

I’m assuming your sibling has not taken many steps to actually become a female, or else your parents don’t see her much. That’s pretty hard to keep secret once the process starts. Nevertheless, she has confided in you and that’s positive – except that it also puts a burden on you since your parents don’t know. You and I both know suicide is not the answer, but that doesn’t change anything. The only thing I can say about that is that you need to continue to love her unconditionally, regardless of what the church says. You cannot be in any “trouble” for loving your sibling.

As to your doubts, focus on what you do believe. Ignore the rest for now, that stuff isn’t going anywhere and it will still be there when you’re ready to deal with it. If you believe that God loves you (and your sister), focus on that. If you believe that Jesus Christ is your Savior, focus on that. You said you believe the church is true – focus on that and look at what aspects of the church you think make it true. Other stuff you believe will also come into focus. I know what you mean about the questions not seeming to stop, I felt that way once, too – but they do eventually stop.

I’m sure others will pop in to say hi and probably offer better advice than I do. Don’t be a stranger.

Welcome to the forum. I’m glad you found us.

Please understand that I mean this out of concern for you and I have no ill intent, but the first thing I suggest is professional help for your depression and self medication.

I’m assuming your sibling has not taken many steps to actually become a female, or else your parents don’t see her much. That’s pretty hard to keep secret once the process starts. Nevertheless, she has confided in you and that’s positive – except that it also puts a burden on you since your parents don’t know. You and I both know suicide is not the answer, but that doesn’t change anything. The only thing I can say about that is that you need to continue to love her unconditionally, regardless of what the church says. You cannot be in any “trouble” for loving your sibling.

As to your doubts, focus on what you do believe. Ignore the rest for now, that stuff isn’t going anywhere and it will still be there when you’re ready to deal with it. If you believe that God loves you (and your sister), focus on that. If you believe that Jesus Christ is your Savior, focus on that. You said you believe the church is true – focus on that and look at what aspects of the church you think make it true. Other stuff you believe will also come into focus. I know what you mean about the questions not seeming to stop, I felt that way once, too – but they do eventually stop.

I’m sure others will pop in to say hi and probably offer better advice than I do. Don’t be a stranger.

I thought that was very helpful. I am seeking professional help and my wife is aware that its become a problem. We’re working together on it. My sister just started taking the steps such as hormones and things. The fear comes in when she does tell my parents and other siblings. She came out as a gay man two years ago and it was a disaster. I think this will be a whole lot worse. I just don’t want her falling into a depression again. Its good to know I’m not the only one who’s staying and had questions. Its a strange place within my ward and family, I feel like I’ve been the only one to come across anything. I’ll try your suggestion.

Welcome to the forums, spacerasta!

I sincerely wish both you and your sister the best. Sometimes, many Mormons as well as many Christians in general forget that the Gospel is centered on love. I am very glad your sister has you as part of her support system. I have seen several cases of transgender individuals coming out to their family to disastrous results; there’s really no one-size-fits-all advice I can offer except for both you and your sister to be prepared for the emotional and mental pain that family members may inflict to try to “convince” her she’s making a “mistake.” Knowing the guilt techniques that some people use doesn’t make them less hurtful when they happen, but it does offer an opportunity to plan and brace for the impact. It sounds like you’re both already somewhat aware of that, though, and my heart hurts for both of you. As an FYI, I have seen http://www.translifeline.org/ recommended as a potential resource. I also have several general suicide prevention sites that I can pass along to you if you need.

I am glad you are seeking professional help for your depression. I’ve been in that boat before, and I can emphasize. I don’t know how far you are into treatment, but if you aren’t aware already, just know that finding the right combination of treatments (medication type, dosage, etc.) is often a very rough road. In my case, I was lucky in that some over-the-counter “natural” medication managed to stabilize my mood almost instantly. I have had many friends and patients who have not been nearly so lucky.

In terms of religions advice, this forum offers a lot of great resources and viewpoints, so I suggest looking around and using the search function at your leisure to check out what’s been said about any topics that may be bothering you. I suppose my main advice is to realize that life has presented you an opportunity where you can make your religious and spiritual beliefs much more personal than they may have been before, and that can be a great thing. Like DJ said, focus on what you do believe, even if it’s just one thing. Tackle every other issue one at a time with the knowledge that it’s OK if you don’t know for sure and it’s OK to just hope and believe something is true without knowing it. You don’t have to have all the answers. Take a step back when you need to and let anyone make you feel guilty about doing so.

I hope both you and your sister can find peace.

My sister (transgendered male to female) hasn’t come out to my family yet. She’s thought of suicide as alternative. I’m in full support of the change, I’m in support of all LBGT, which makes it hard to reconcile in regards to my faith.

Hi, spacerasta – Glad you’re here. :wave:

There were several interviews recently with Elders Christofferson and Oaks. I think I remember Christofferson saying re. transgender (“-ism?”) that it was something they didn’t understand yet. It was very much an aside-type of comment, but it really peaked my interest. There are wards where transgendered LDS people have gravitated. A stake president in our area has created non-geographic-boundary ward. He describes it as the ICU of the stake. And while it would be great if it weren’t needed at all, at least it’s there. It might help your sister and your parents to know that such a thing exists. There’s a bishop out there every Sunday morning welcoming openly gay and transgendered people to sacrament meeting.

But that’s all about your sister. I hope you can find the intensive care you need, too, and that this site will help.

spacerasta,

Welcome to this site. As others have said, I hope it helps you. You are welcome here. I know that the wonderful people here share in sending love to you, your family, your sister, and your parents.

I want to offer a few thoughts, but I caveat this with the statement that these are just musings and may not apply to you. Filter it for what you see fit.

You didn’t mention if your sister is still associated with the Church, but I’m going to operate on the assumption that she is not; that her issues are familial, and that your issues are religious and familial.

First on the Church and Spirituality. You said you have feelings for the Church based on experiences with God via prayer. My advice: go with that. I don’t believe that the Church is the one true Church, but I believe that it has a very good way to connect Man to God that works for many. In substantial ways, I think the Church carries the same message as the Early Christian Church of the first century: the relationship between God and Man is very individual and devoid of dogma, with power to lift a person up to stand straight and tall before God. Many people who seek find different paths to God; and our Church is one of those paths. My personal beliefs are much further afield than yours… I’m a heretic when it comes to the articles of faith of our religion, but I still find the Church to be a great framework within which I can practice my own brand of spirituality. If you believe in God and you believe in Good, then I encourage you not to throw the baby out with the bathwater; at least not until you find a worthy substitute.

Doctrinally, I don’t agree with the Church or with general Christianity that any sexual orientation or identity other than heterosexuality based on the sex of your birth is well supported in the Scriptures. The Bible, outside of Leviticus, is pretty sparse on it, and here’s a mind-blower: the modern scriptures (BofM, D&C, PofGP) never ever mention it. To me, the concept of a loving, caring, redeeming, reconciling God does not match exclusivity based on these issues. But I think it’s healthy and helpful to recognize that what passes for doctrine is often socially-driven moral opinion. Because of that, I can compartmentalize away the things people say as not part of what I believe, and I don’t have to give it any more of my valuable time than that. I concentrate on what I do believe, not on my disagreements with others.

When it comes to the issues in your family, I believe from your description that you have a possible opportunity standing right in front of you. I don’t want to convey this as a responsibility, because part of depression can be fed by unfulfilled responsibility. But should you find it palatable, you might find growth and an approach toward God by taking this opportunity and running with it. What I’m talking about is that you can be a bridge between your family, the Church, and your sister. You can be a peacemaker, and according to the Sermon on the Mount, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.” You love and support your sister. You love and support your parents. To some degree you love and support both the Church and the LGBT community. In a way, these are all wounded people and entities. Think of the opportunity for good within the walls of your family’s homes, within your local ward, and within the Church. When I marched in a Pride Parade recently, I got a lot of cheers, but I also got the double finger for being a Mormon. But I felt great that I was trying to build bridges in my own small way.

Whatever you choose, and whatever path you follow, I wish you well. I hope to hear your voice here because I think you have much to contribute.