Going downhill, what do I do?

Hey, byustudent. Good to hear from you. I was just reading an article about the accreditation meeting earlier this evening. Many good points came from that, and I’m interested to see if it will have any effect whatsoever.

You’re in a very tough place. The societal pressure is immense for a young man at BYU to go on a mission, and if you don’t go, then many people assume something’s “wrong” with you. Kudos to you for knowing that it isn’t your time to go (and might never be). Not every young man should serve a mission, and it’s definitely hurtful that that pressure is so ingrained in the culture. The Church sent home 400 missionaries last month (I think it was month) due to issues such as depression, so for the record, many who go are better off staying. Eventually, your family and friends will stop asking when you’re going; my parents and family members stopped asking my younger brother when he was going to go after a few years.

Of course, he went to Utah State, so the pressure may likely be a bit different. I’ve no idea, since I went to Weber. I almost transferred to Utah State, though, in my fourth or fifth year of college. I felt trapped at Weber doing the same old thing, and a friend encouraged me to transfer with her up to USU. I couldn’t that semester, so I told her I’d probably do it the semester after. I ended up staying at Weber and finishing my schooling there. That path has taken me into some pretty incredible experiences. I guess what I’m trying to say is to take things one semester at a time.

I don’t know if your unhappiness with where you are will pass. I do know that in my case, I had to take a step back from trying to force myself to enjoy what I thought I should enjoy about my school and institute and instead sought out the things that I did enjoy. Happiness is something many of us humans strive for our entire lives. Sometimes we find it, only to have it fade, and we have to go looking for it again.

Is there a hobby or interest that has a group on campus you can participate in to reach out to friends there? Perhaps there is a group outside of the Church and outside of BYU that you can connect with. People move on, but many eventually come back, and in the meantime, you figure out ways to meet new people. The best part of being in college is you can build relationships with people at different ages and stages of life.

Feel free to vent and try to talk yourself through things here. I for one can’t offer a lot of advice, since I don’t know a whole lot about your personal situation, but we can at least offer to listen.

byustudent,

I don’t know if anything I say can help, but I’ll toss out a couple of ideas, and let you sift through them.

I often find it helpful to think of the LDS Church as if it were another religion that I am attending as a guest. Occasionally, I will go to another denomination’s service and then when I go back to our Church, I see a lot of similarities and things that might normally seem awkward to me because of my history, I am able to take as the religious conviction of others that I only observe. Perhaps you could do something similar. Imagine you are at Notre Dame or Gonzaga and getting a great education while all the people around you are devout followers of their religion. You might have to go to mass or say the Lord’s Prayer or something, but it’s just part of the experience of being a guest at a religious school.

You are getting a first-rate education for almost free, or at least for a tiny fraction of what you would pay at Duke. That is something to celebrate. BYU is a very good and competitive school. All the students there were the smart kids in high school. Probably half of the students at BYU were in the top-ten of their graduating class. It’s a gift to be able to have this opportunity. Maybe you could focus on that, and let the awkwardness you feel take a back seat to your education. In other words, I’m certain that for you, when you think of BYU, you think of devotionals, opening prayers in class, religious classes, crazy religious obedience, dress and grooming standards, pressure to go on a mission. But BYU first and foremost is a University. If you can find a way to concentrate your passions there, the rest may become more tolerable.

I’ve found, for me, that I feel more free the more open I am about my beliefs. I don’t mean about WHAT I believe, but I mean about WHETHER I believe (very important difference). You might find that if you say to your peers, “I still practice the LDS faith, because I think it’s good and the best way I know to approach God, but I’m no longer a believer in all the doctrines”, that you might be received with love and respect. The key is to be supportive of the faith of others and not to be confrontational. It’s that pesky old “Golden Rule” thing that Jesus mentioned. Treat others exactly the same way you hope that they treat you. Some of them will not respond in kind but most will. If they perceive you as friendly to the Church and accepting of their faith without a need to explain why they are wrong, then maybe they will still treat you well. Hiding behind a facade is a sure-fire way to be lonely (my own experience talking). I don’t tell everyone, but I don’t pretend either.

I wish you well.

I don’t disagree with your strategy being worth a try OON, and I realize some people here cope very well using that type of thing. But, having had three kids at BYU, I’d be very careful about who I told what. Although well meaning, a room mate (for instance) can make life pretty rough on someone struggling just by telling the bishop what someone else told him or her. On the other hand, there are sympathetic and trustworthy people at BYU. BYU in general is your ward culture multiplied to the Nth degree, complete with the most zealous of zealots. The kids who really struggle with Mormon culture generally choose not to go there, and that’s part of the reason there are other schools in Utah.

I think I know where byustudent is coming from, it’s tough. Unfortunately I don’t have anything to offer than what I and other offered earlier.

There are times when you just have to stick it out — is this one of those times? Could you accelerate your studies at BYU and get the cheap tuition and then move on to another chapter of your life?

Or, could you find other lower cost alternatives to BYU?

Regarding the pressure to serve a mission, I was under similar pressure when my wife and I were unable to have children for a number of years. People were constantly asking us about having children. We eventually came out with phrases that would make people think about what they were saying. I won’t say them here, as I might get moderated (just kidding, but they were kind of startling), but they worked.

Regarding no friends right now — that will pass. You have extraversion on your side, and will make new ones — it’s normal for people to be transient at your age.

Some suggestions, that’s all.

BYU in general is your ward culture multiplied to the Nth degree, complete with the most zealous of zealots. The kids who really struggle with Mormon culture generally choose not to go there, and that’s part of the reason there are other schools in Utah.

byustudent – Are you majoring in something that also has a strong program at USU or U. of U.? What are you post-undergrad plans? Fwiw, I grew up east of the Mississippi and left BYU and a scholarship after one year for another Utah school. Have you spent much time on those other campuses?

People were very indirect and passive-aggressive and just artificially nice. I felt people weren’t that intellectually curious. I didn’t think they were that interesting. Many of them seemed the same, yet unlike anybody I knew outside of Utah. It was weird.

It’s exactly the same now, part of the problem I don’t like it as much here. I’ll see how spring term is I guess.

Apply to other schools. There are some amazing scholarships out there .. Just get accepted first .. And then start negotiatiating. The Ivy schools do take transfer students .. Not a lot of them, but they do take them. Recognize that some will not take your AP credits. They want you to have a full education experience in their institution. I’m currently partial to Swarthmore, Emory, and Tufts.