Helping a son thru his own FC

Hi Hippo.

I have a 9 year old girl and a 7 year old son.

We participate in several churches. We attend the LDS church (it is our “home church”).

The other day DS said the meal prayer. After he said the Amen part he said, “A – men, kinda like God is A – man.” (He has recently been pulling apart words like that. Example: Together = To Get Her) I took the opportunity to share that we believe in a heavenly Mother as well that is an equal partner in watching over us. DS speculated that Heavenly Mother could be Mary. I told him that sounded like a good theory to me. DD said that would make Joseph God. I responded, “Not necessarily, Joseph the carpenter was Jesus’ step-dad. Not everyone gets to live with both their mother and father and I believe it is important to recognize that Jesus grew up in a blended family.”

I like that my kids are telling me “I believe …” intead of just asking me to tell them what to believe.

DS has previously told me that he doesn’t believe in God. We have responded that this theory makes alot of sense but that Mom and I choose to believe what we have not seen based on our hope and feelings. We also said to him that while it is ok not to believe in God we need to be respectful of other people’s choices to believe in God. We didn’t make a big deal about it but didn’t let him be obnoxious about it either.

We go to the LDS church bacause that is what we do as a family.

We have started planning the baptism of DS. We have not talked to DS about it yet. I do not plan to present it as an option but rather, “your baptism is coming up” or “when you get baptised.” I do plan to make it special and memorable. My biggest challenge will be getting the permision to perform the ordinance.

I do not want to minimize your experience by telling you mine. There may be some similarities that you find helpful. I am also sure that there are plenty of differences that do not apply to your situation.

Children rarely follow the script… that is why they are so fun. :thumbup:

I hope you don’t mind, but I wouldn’t say your son is having a FC, it sounds more like he is beginning his religious hunt. I suspect it will morph back and forth over time. It could even stay anchored somewhere for a long time, but it isn’t a crisis. A crisis happens when your life gets thrown out of it’s orbit and comfort zone. That hasn’t happened to him yet, no matter how deep a thinker he is.

At 7, kids parrot a lot of what is around them. And yes where ever seems the most fun, he will be drawn to it. I bet if you stopped attending any church and took the weekends to camp or go to the beach or water ski, he would love that even more than any church.

I think for you to help him, you may need to come to some personal decisions of what you find true value in. As long as you are in transition he will be in transition, too. That can be a good thing or a frustrating thing. It all depends on you.

Do you want a Christ type life, do you want a service type life, do you want to be able to hang out with extended family?

Right now he is like my puppy. If I walk with purpose, he follows, if I stroll he is all over the place.

He may be hoping you have an opinion. So he’s throwing out the question.

Boy oh boy.

…in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. And now I’m out of here! So long, suckers!

😆

For my son, who denied getting the priesthood at 12, the biggest challenge I find it making church attendance attractive. I can’t put this any other way, but Church is BORING. The way we do it in our church it is extremely repetitive and boring, especially for young people like your son.

Amen. I might amend that though because I see some children absolutely thrive in the church environment. There are kids in primary that get frustrated when the teacher won’t allow them to answer Every. Single. Question. They’re super eager to participate, after every question their hands immediately go up and they gyrate like they are on the verge of having an accident before they can make it to the bathroom. :angel: In surveying the crowd I’d say that less than 20% of the kids in primary fall into that category, my kid is not one of them.

Every kid has their own personality. Maybe less than 20% of kids in primary fall into the I hate church category, I’m guessing most kids fall somewhere in the middle. Same meeting, completely different experience for the kids. Based on my attitude towards school I’m guessing that I would have been a primary teacher’s pet, DW tells me that she hated attending, was forced to go, but discovered the value of church in her mid teens. I would have thought that the overwhelming majority of kids that “hate” church as a youth would never go back to church once they graduated HS.

Church just isn’t going to suit some kid’s fancy. The denomination probably isn’t going to matter that much but our church doesn’t do itself any favors by making church 3 hours (seriously guys?) and making the church environment so sterile.

I’m in the uncomfortable position of putting my foot down and making my kid go every Sunday. Maybe the only lesson is that sometimes you have to do things you don’t want because… well, you just have to do them. It’s kind of lame that church has to fall into that category. Maybe all of this “do what you have to do, not what you want to do” is helping to prepare them to go to work some day.

I agree that it’s probably not a FC, it’s probably related to the kid figuring out that there are a hundred other things that they’d rather be doing with their free time and they’re trying everything under the sun to convince their parents that they shouldn’t have to go to church. Maybe that’s another lesson. Priorities. Some things have to come before video games and watching paint dry. :angel:

Church just isn’t going to suit some kid’s fancy. The denomination probably isn’t going to matter that much but our church doesn’t do itself any favors by making church 3 hours (seriously guys?) and making the church environment so sterile.

Last night we had a discussion in HC about how to help new members feel more welcome and, I won’t beat around the bush, assimilate them. (I am reasonably sure the Jedi could defeat the Borg, resistance is not futile!). Much of the discussion centered around helping new members figure out how things work, not talking in Moromn lingo (as opposed to the above referenced Mormonspeak), and so forth, and there was a good comment from another old guard TBM HC about tradition and culture vs. doctrine (which surprised me, but his point was they needed to understand both). Anyway, I so wanted to say “Ya know, 3 hours of church sure is a lot when somebody is used to maybe 1 hour or no church at all, and maybe at first the expectation might be lessened a bit” but I couldn’t say it. I did feel what I think is the Spirit in the meeting, and I have really come to love and respect by colleagues – they are just trying to do what they think is right. I didn’t think my comment would have added to the council.

So, and realizing there are other dynamics in play here, maybe offering the son on a portion of the meetings is OK. We have had boys in our ward who haven’t done the Scouting/Wednesday night stuff (and similar girls). Some of us here don’t go to all three hours. I know he’s only 11, but forcing the church on him isn’t going to have a positive effect on his overall choice – at some point he is going to choose to be a part of the church or not, just like everybody else. My 20-something DD never openly rebelled against going to church, but she did go through a phase in college (at BYU no less) where she did tell us it doesn’t have to be about church all the time and we (actually meaning Mom) should stop trying to cram it down their throats. His beliefs will also evolve and change, just like everybody else’s – just because he doubts God today doesn’t mean he will always doubt God. FWIW, my DD does attend her ward and have a calling but she works on Sunday and only attends SM, and she does have some questions/doubts of her own.

I actually wonder how much of what we call “faith crises” is really just faith development, regardless the age.

No doubt for some a crisis is really just a progression or transition. I have wondered about this too – when I was a child….now that I am a man – stuff.

It is rather fashionable to call it a faith crisis. I do think it is (or can be) a stage of development – but having gone through what I call a faith crisis – the “crisis” part certainly felt like a crisis at the time. Emotional gut-wrenching. Much more than any “mid-life crisis”.

I would agree with that – I definitely had a crisis. I also had a transition, which was directly related to the crisis but after it. I don’t mean to disrespect those feelings that so many of us have experienced.

He was invited to AWANA tonight (It’s a Baptist church kids Bible program) by and Anglican friend, and he LOVED it.

That’s a good thing.

I see strict demands for good behavior enforced in primary, undisciplined children can be an issue and being a primary teacher can be frustrating… IF your goal is to teach a lesson.

In my opinion if the only thing that children, teens, even adults get out of church is an opportunity to make and cultivate friendships with others then more power to them. If some of the lesson gets absorbed while that’s going on, fine. If not, that’s fine too. I’d rather have them there and semi-engaged on the off chance that they’ll pick up on something than not have them there at all because we want to assure ourselves that they have picked up on very specific things.

Sitting still for long lessons and refraining from interacting with would be friends is torture for some children. In some cases we’re just a habit and a ruler away from giving some kids Catholic School nightmares.

forcing the church on him isn’t going to have a positive effect on his overall choice

Sure isn’t. That’s why I try to relax the rules, help our kid find something positive about attending, and let the doctrine take a backseat. The one thing, they are listening. Occasionally they’ll ask a question that shows they are listening while you thought they were off in la-la land. I figure they’ve got a better shot at listening and learning from la-la land than they do from SIT STILL AND LISTEN land.

I guess the hard part for me is that I never imagined raising my kids spiritually the way I am now. I’m an RM, and I couldn’t wait to gather my little chicks around me and teach them the Gospel of Jesus Christ that I had taught to my investigators. Instead, I find myself struggling with what to say when they do ask me about anything but the bare bones about God in general. It is painful every single time, as I realize how much that dream is gone and can never come back. However, I am getting more and more accustomed to the idea of throwing things back at them and asking them, “What do you think?” and honestly being pretty ok with whatever they decide for themselves. If I could do the same thing with my extended family, life would be so much easier.

Same here.

For better or worse the other day I asked my kid, “What do you think about church?” Long pause. I could tell they didn’t want to say what they really felt. After some time they said, “I like some things and I don’t like some things.” I told them, “Good answer!”