How do you handle anger?

I handle anger by first giving myself time, whenever possible, to let the anger subside. It’s only when that anger is over with that I can think clearly about what to do about the situation that made me angry.

After the anger subsides, I normally assess my objectives in the situation, as well as the possible alternatives, and their implications. After a long time, it seems, I then act.

One thing I have learned NOT to do, is to simply tell the person who made me angry that they made me angry. Perhaps In my family, but definitely not to third parties in my work and service contexts. I find this accomplishes nothing other than hurting the relationship. It’s only when there is an issue to be resolved, or something I need from the person that I will address the emotional side — but only if necessary. But even when I do, I never say “angry” — I may refer to feeling “disturbed” or “puzzled”, but never use angry. Do that and you lose the battle.

I have to resist feelings of retaliation. I do this by reminding myself of a boss I once had who was vindictive. If someone did something she didn’t like, she would punish them in some way by withholding a privilege, giving a bad review, ignoring them, or something — I have the ability to be vindictive, but I do reflect on this vindictive manager and remind myself I never want to be like her. And that seems to be motivation enough to prevent my anger from turning into aggression.

At times, I have written in my journal, a letter to the person that provides the unvarnished truth, and yes, I lets my anger show. I never send it. Sometimes I delete it. If I read it years later, it’s sometimes actually kind of funny.

Removing reminders of the anger trigger, provided this removal is not costly or destructive, has always been a good strategy for preventing anger from rekindling.

Last, I reflect on the demeanor of people I have met who have high levels of emotional intelligence. They never seem to get ruffled even when life is crashing down around them. They also don’t blame themselves for the event that triggered the anger. When I remind myself of how people I ADMIRE react, this seems to help me get over the anger and act in a reasonable manner.

I don’t usually react and I feel it is a positive character trait to be able to control your temper. At work as a manager that is seen as something very positive and has served me well.

With my kids I have not lost my temper in probably 10 years. That is their mom’s job. I am probably give them a bit of a doubt due to how harsh I feel my wife is towards them. Actually one of my older teenage son was really pushing, “I am entitled and you are going to give me what I want” for a few days and I did let him have it a bit. I did it without raising my voice, but it was fairly clear that I had had enough.

Just re-reading the above and it sounds like I am perfect at this – which is not true. Some of it I feel is just with age and figuring out a lot of things are not worth getting upset over – or maybe a side issue of being mildly depressed and feeling like, “who cares?” (I am not in THAT dark of space that anybody needs to worry, but maybe contributing).

As a teenager, I was more like Mom’s post. I would go in the back yard and throw stuff at the fence in a wild tantrum. I scared my mom with the amount of physicality I had with my temper. Never focused at people, but she worried.

Ooh, I may not be so well-versed with anger techniques as others have replied with. 😳

Out of the range of human emotions, anger is one that I tend towards the most. It’s almost always coupled with some form of arrogance (also, for MBTI geeks, I’m an INTJ and I’ve found that anger and arrogance are qualities that are almost inherent in us so…). Depending on the situation, I can pass through it in a certain amount of time. For things that seemingly come out of the blue, I need ample space and time to vent. It may not be right away, but it needs to be soon. I need someone to talk to, almost incessantly, to the point where I start to repeat myself. Then I start getting tired. Through my many bouts of anger, I’ve learned that anger is extremely exhausting and I can’t sustain it for too long anymore anyway. Once I start getting tired, I can move on to distractions. When I’m distracted, my brain (or HG or Spirit or whatever is doing the work, I don’t know) goes to work linking things without my conscious attention. Then, some time later, just as out of the blue as the initial situation may have come, I get a small nugget of an idea on how to address the issue. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I’m super great the next time a similar situation comes around. 😆 Plus, it’s taken me about 8 years since my angsty, angry teenage years to get this far, so I also think that some it will just work itself out as I keep living. At least I hope so. 😯

How do you handle anger?

Not very well. But then again, I am a Celt, we’re still P.O.’d about things that happened centuries ago.

Are Celts Irish? I’m primarily Irish.

Some are, but some aren’t…

I have a series of filters that kick in reminding me of the consequences of saying the things that come to mind – and doing a cost/benefit impromptu analysis. If I can get out of the situation that made me angry, then I try to regroup. Most of the time, I will come to the conclusion that my anger is either a) frustration with the circumstance/people – ergo, can I change the circumstance? b) anxiety/fear for how the future is going to play out – so how do I chance the situation for the best benefit for all?

[All this is a fancy way of saying that some of it gets shoved in the back of the sock drawer with the moldy towels…]

At random intervals I will have a complete cry-out where I bawl my eyes out and give a plausible impression of the flood from Noah’s ark. I feel much better for the experience, but hate that I had to go through it – especially if others are present and saw it. In the last 20 years, I have gotten to the point where I don’t feel shameful for the loss of control that the cry-out caused. But most non-Aspie’s tell me that it didn’t take them 20 years to figure that out. :crazy:

My 7.5 year old daughter is refining her art of pushing my buttons. I bite my tongue a lot, raise my voice more than I should, and probably give in to her more than I should. I have walked away from her meltdowns at least once because I could tell I was going to lose my temper with her and wander into the realm of disciplining without teaching.

I go and play a few rounds of a fighting game, usually Super Smash Bros. If that isn’t possible, let’s just hope I don’t explode.

A lot of the times I get angry is random irritability. The most important thing for me is to remove myself from others until it subsides. Most of the time, I’m pretty calm, though I have exploded at people when teased too far… or repeatedly pressed for details that I just don’t care to give.