- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
Life sure gets complicated when circumstances prevent you from following the LDS textbook… Short story: Daughter bullied repeatedly in our home Ward A (traumatic for her on many levels), wife alienated by very terrible Bishop (later released by new Stake President as his first Act of Congress). Family refuses to go to church in home ward. We attended a different Ward (Ward
where my daughter blossomed (and continues to blossom) although we had to wordsmith our reasons for attending that Ward, to leaders. Family was accepted socially, although the leadership were frustrated with us. Over last two years — son gets older, less and less interest in the church..no desire for priesthood at 12, no desire for YM or scouting. Fights us about going to church, wants to leave after 1 meeting.
New Bishop in our home Ward, much better climate, but my daughter refuses to go back there. Son has no interest, wife is lukewarm. I feel some willingness to even get involved in YM with my son, but family won’t go. We go to Ward C last week due to missing our Ward A meeting time. My son blossoms! Asks if we can keep going back to Ward C!!! Lessons are interesting, boys are intelligent and fun. Wife has a good friend there.
We approach our daughter about at least attending one meeting with us there every two weeks, but she refuses. I suggest she continue attending Ward B where she has friends, do their YW activities, Stake activities, etcetera, but at least joins us a couple times a month at Ward C for my son’s sake. She refuses. Indicates she’s upset we are basically inactive anyway due to attending Ward B with her only once a month or so lately due to spikes in my PhD studies. Sees little value in attending Ward C with us as she doesn’t feel we get along well in the car. All we do is sit in a row at church, distracted from talks and such.
Problem sits unresolved at this point.
Conundrum: How to resolve the fact that my family is now attending two different wards, with my daughter at one, and us at another…my son has needs, and so does my daughter, and no one Ward meets them both. Family refuses to go back to home ward…
This looks like one of those times that a little divine inspiration is needed. Let me quick make sure I am inside, away from windows, and properly grounded .. Okay .. Now that I am shielded from lightening strikes .. Let me suggest …. drum roll please … Prayer? Ask for guidance and inspiration. Go from there.
That’s all I’ve got.
Wow. Nice definition of “between a rock and a hard place.” Don’t know if I have any grand advice, but my heart goes out to you. OK, after thinking about it. Which to me, is a form of prayer, I have three possible solutions. 1. Daughter is ticked parents are not more active. So we promise weekly activity in Ward C provided she attends with us twice a month for Sacrament meeting in Ward C. She can keep up with her relationship with Ward B. Refer to TBM ideals she accepts, such as the need for family unity for Celestial Kingdom salvation etcetera. Explain how she is helping us be active after the trials we have experienced. Also, refer to the spirituality of my son. That in attending with us twice a month, she is helping us help our son, just as he attended Ward B for a long time when he didn’t like it because it was good for her. Families should help each other.
2. We attend the Ward my daughter likes twice a month for one hour. Bit of a problem as this will mean missing part of the Ward my son seems to be engaging with (Ward C). We may have to go to once a month to Ward B. If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, Mohammed comes to the mountain.
3. Hold a meeting like FHE on Sunday in our home with everyone. This provides a substitute for the unity we need at Sunday Church meetings. Also, explain the extraordinary circumstances we are in, and that it’s normally best to attend your own Ward so you can have full fellowship. I’ve been feeling the need to do more as a family lately anyway. This is not ideal as it’s pulling teeth to get them together for something like this.
Further ideas are appreciated as all of these have their deficits.
I like that you’re exploring what she’s really wanting, instead of just getting stuck at “daughter refuses, daughter refuses.” Good luck. We hear a lot of stories about what makes church difficult for teenage children, but this is in the top ten for complicated. Hey SD, I don’t know how old your son and daughter are, but it sounds like they’re old enough that they could hold a logical conversation about the whole thing. 90% of my job is spent in negotiations. The one thing I’ve learned from this is that the only good negotiation is the one where everybody involved walks away feeling like they’ve won. If your daughter is refusing the different options that you’re offering, ask her to offer some options of her own. If you all sit down together and talk about what you would like, and explain the pros and cons of the various options, would that help everybody come to an agreement together? Or at least help everybody feel that they’ve been heard and that they aren’t just being told what they have to do? I’ve found that somebody who refuses every option, typically becomes more willing to listen when they’re asked to offer some suggestions of their own.
I wanted to ruminate on this before I offered my two cents as well. What I came up with is much like what HC just said. Have a nice family council (or whatever you want to call it or not call it, favorite foods are good, too) and just lay everything out there on the table and sit in council. Everybody involved has some needs and desires, and you as a parent have a vested interest in meeting the needs of your children. Their needs do not always coincide, and sometimes everybody needs to give a bit so they can each gain a bit. I’m not a huge fan of compromise, because it can lead to every side feeling they lost instead of won (as HC points out). But agreement and consensus don’t necessarily equal compromise and if done right this situation can be a win for everybody. That may mean that DD needs to come to an understanding that her brother’s needs are just as valid as hers. She may also need to begin to understand that her relationship with God (and/or the church) is about to become almost exclusively her own thing, independent of your relationship, your wife’s relationship, or her bother’s relationship – we’re all on the same path together while alone. Family council to determine what type of compromise would include something that would be a “win” for everyone. I don’t know what that would be, since I have no right to revelation/inspiration/decision for your family. God bless you as you work together through this.
I like to go into these things with possible solutions in my back pocket in case everyone at the table sees it as an impasse (like the first two responses to this thread). I recognize no one has revelation for my family — but I also recognize the value of studying it out in one’s mind, and often, that means drawing on the creativity of others. So, for me, the idea that others don’t have revelation or authority is a bit of a non-starter for me. I like HC’s suggestion. I have a very strong interest in negotiation,and the Harvard negotiation Project principles would suggest identifying each others’ interests first, and then inventing options that speak to those interests leads to a collaborative solution everyone feels good about.
My daughter understands that process, as it’s part of our family mission statement. I think putting the thinking on her to come to the table with possible solutions is a good idea. Last time we spoke, it was a series of suggestions by myself with her shooting every one of them down. She’s also very futuristic, so arguments that show her the implications for the future, of decisions made now, speak to her.
SilentDawning wrote:My daughter understands that process, as it’s part of our family mission statement. I think putting the thinking on her to come to the table with possible solutions is a good idea. Last time we spoke, it was a series of suggestions by myself with her shooting every one of them down.
She’s also very futuristic, so arguments that show her the implications for the future, of decisions made now, speak to her.That’s a real positive. Most teenagers are not thinking much past today.
Life typically presents to us choices, none of which are ideal. I used to stress a lot about it. Because I felt I needed to make the one “Best” choice out of good, better and best options.
Over time I realize I do want to make the best choice, and I do think it over and hold family councils to get buy in, there is no “one” best thing. There are trade offs and no matter which choice you make, you’ll learn new things about that choice as you get into it…new things become revealed.
It is better to start teaching the kids about the “journey”, and while you try A for a while because everyone wanted that choice, you leave it open to try B later without flogging yourself for not choosing B the first time, or C, or Z.
While there are tradeoffs, you can focus on the bad of the tradeoffs or the good.
As President Monson would say, “Choose your love and love your choice.” Follow your heart and then appreciate the good things in that choice and run with it, until you want to switch gears.
Because no matter what choice you make, others will tell you it is the wrong way to do it. So don’t do it for approval of others. Do it your way and take pride in that.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.