Character Training for Disinterested Tweens

Good questions. I share your concerns.

I’ve tried to get ours to focus on the good things while at church and he gets to define what’s good for him. It’s okay by me if he’s at church primarily to interact with friends, maybe he gets a little gospel via osmosis, but we’re in a ward with relatively few youth his age. It doesn’t help that he takes after me in many ways, he’s perfectly content to sit at home with no other human interaction.

He likes one activity in another ward but only because the kids in that ward do laps around the halls while all the adults do their boring thing. It’s a good reminder for me to make sure I’ve got their events on my calendar so we can attend. He doesn’t really have any friends in that ward either, but he really enjoys being cut loose in the church building. I give him that.

Recently we’ve also caved to an extent to let him use a tablet during SM. Probably not the best idea but he has perked up and asked us what so and so meant when they said such and such so he does listen in his periphery. Maybe that’s good enough for now. I’d rather he not dread the entire experience.

He wants to quit attending as soon as humanly possible and states as much without shame. I recognize the role the church has played and continues to play in my life and I want that for him to some degree. Still, it can be an awkward position to be in. Go to church! <

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> Ugh, PH sure is going to be hard to attend this week. My conundrum.

I have a few ideas forming.

1) We are going to teach character out of the LDS scriptures and other sources. This will at least sustain some culture of Mormonism in our home. It will be like family home evening with a prayer, our family mission statement/”chant” (i’m kidding about the chant) and then some teaching.

We did it for the first time in a while last week, and it was on one component of our family mission statement — that we “follow-through”. We talked about how being reliable helps people trust you, builds relationships, helps you in your job, and is kind to leaders who invest in you (the leaders were not defined as necessarily being at church either).

I don’t have support from my wife on FHE. And, given my character, I get severely demotivated when I’m the only one pulling the hardcart. It is one reason we have never made FHE part of our family culture. However, my desire to bring to life, an alternate vision of my role in training my son, has eclipsed that demotivation for the time being. I will conduct these training sessions alone if I have to, although I’m always going to invite my wife and seek her input on the content.

2) We are going to let the church do the churchy-wurchy teaching for as long as he goes. I will support those aspects that I think are agreeable, and neutralize those destructive aspects that aren’t — but we will let the church osmosis do the church teaching. My heart tells me I should not force him to do church things on a regular basis. I believe over the long run that this will maximize the influence I have as a parent.

3) FHE manuals may be useful on character-oriented topics.

My concerns for him seem to go beyond character — I also want to develop his unique strengths and prepare him to earn a living some day as well.

This is by no means complete, and I’m fully aware that some of this might flop or prove unsustainable, but my gut is telling me I have to start on something now.

SamBee wrote:

I keep on hearing about tweens. What are they? Twelve year olds?

Pretty much 10/11/12-year-olds – between kids and teens.

Ann wrote:

SilentDawning wrote:

Simply because he has rejected the church (although he attends), doesn’t mean I should abdicate my role as his spiritual trainer.

This is so true. I think kids still need the village, too. What are your son’s interests? Any places he could plug in to an organization with other adults to help mentor him?

He’s interested in business. He has good judgment for a kid his age. The fact that I’m a business professor helps….although I will give a disclaimer — he is totally disinterested in other interests I have such as music, and that is OK — just so you know that I am not trying to “live through my children” or impose my interests on him. I was thinking perhaps junior achievement might be a good place for him, since he told me he doesn’t think it’s important to be in scouts. He regularly asks me to help him hold salesy types of events such as lemonade stands, and we may be buying a booth at a Farmers’ Market I started in the fall. I can be a mentor for those activities. He likes Minecraft (too much) but I don’t see a way of harnessing that interest yet.

We struggled with that one. DD didn’t want to attend. Her issues were mostly social in nature .. But she also found the lessons boring and repetitive. There were also doctrinal points that she took issue with.

For a little while, we let her skip occasionally, or let her leave after SM. Often, we found was that once she got to church, she was okay with being there. It was just GETTING into the building that was the issue. Some Sundays, I would tell her, let’s get through SM and have you go to SS. If you want to leave after the first 5 minutes of SS, just text me, and I’ll come get you out. She texted me once. When she realized that I kept my word and I showed up to take her out of SS, she chilled out and decided to stay.

I remember walking into church and having her complain that her left knee hurt too much for her to be there. I asked about her right foot. She decided that it hurt too. I asked about her left elbow pain. Amazingly, suddenly it was painful. Then I got really specific. How about the right second finger’s first knuckle. Yes. Pain.

That last year of primary is hard for kids. They are ready to be away from the little kids. When they transition into YM/YW, that first year isn’t as comfortable and easy as they expected it to be. I think that 12-13 age is a tougher social transition than we realize.

She really enjoyed seminary with BOM last year. This year is D&C. There were some D&C lessons that she really had issues with. When we discussed them, and I told her that it was okay and normal to have questions and doubts, she really relaxed and started to enjoy everything about church much more.

SamBee wrote:

DarkJedi wrote:

SamBee wrote:

I keep on hearing about tweens. What are they? Twelve year olds?

Pretty much 10/11/12-year-olds – between kids and teens.

Okay, all we need, another category for capitalists to divvy up and market to!

I think the gap between 10 and 12 is even bigger than that between 12 and 14 though!

I’m sure it’s a bit different in your part of the world, Sam (be thankful for that). Here on the other side of the pond we have cable channels (plural) dedicated to tweens – and all the advertising dollars to go with them.