New

Hi russdm.

Thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation. Tell us a little more about yourself and what brings you to StayLDS.

What kind of support are you searching for?

We all have our stories, and sharing them can help us learn more from each other.

Welcome!

Welcome russdm!

My 7 yr old son is on the autism spectrum. He is a very good kid but he sure takes things literally. A few days ago he told me that I cannot possibly be the best dad in the world.

Roy jr: Your chances of being the best dad in the world are 1.

Me: 1 in 100?

Roy jr: No, 1 in infinity.

Me: Oh, I was hoping for better odds than that.

He also has perfectionist tendencies and is exceptionally hard on himself when he makes mistakes.

I plan to have the sex talk when he hits puberty. I worry that he will have a hard time reconciling how natural a process it is to be sexually interested vs. how unholy the subject is treated at church (at least until you are married).

Anyway, welcome to the group and I hope that we can be helpful.

Russdm:

Welcome!

My 15 daughter is an aspie kiddo. Great with math and science but struggles with social nuance. Church culture is not always kind nor understanding to people in the spectrum.

You mentioned shame and guilt.

Dr. Brene Brown did a couple of amazing TED talks on shame. Here is the link to one of them:http://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0

Some aspects of the gospel are set up to make neuro typical people feel some vague guilt and maybe feel a little shame. Be cognizant that many people in the spectrum take those gospel lessons and “over-apply” them. Instead of painting a dab of shame on, an Aspie will take the emotional shame bucket and pour the entire thing over their head.

I look forward to hearing more from you and more about you. Maybe you can give me some pointers to help with my DD.

I don’t think the Church actually intended, but I think the culture and dogma simply encourages that kind of thinking. Encourages a lot of negative self-worth and low self-esteem, but does little to encourage improvements. In my opinion.

That’s a healthy perspective. As the abused often becomes the abuser (at least on Law & Order) so those with low self-esteem often try to instill it in others. After all it (didn’t) work for them!

Hi, russdm – :wave: I’m glad you found us and hope you enjoy it here.

My failings frequently cause my expectations to increase, not decrease. That just makes things worse. I also learned stuff from Church that makes it hard to feel worthy of asking for Christ’s help.

I don’t think the Church actually intended, but I think the culture and dogma simply encourages that kind of thinking. Encourages a lot of negative self-worth and low self-esteem, but does little to encourage improvements. In my opinion.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

I would think your observations are somewhat true for some people, but I wouldn’t really agree that the church culture or dogma encourages that kind of thinking. I think the church is about helping individuals progress, and improve with great messages of hope for eternal progression, as well as support through our struggles in this life.

To me that is the gospel and why it is helpful to so many. However…in my personal life, I found some things didn’t get better with just prayer and study and bishop visits.

I had to start learning to separate out what things are in the realm of religion and spirituality, and what things are not, and stop trying to apply church cough syrup for all my life’s illnesses.

In your specific situation, some church things may apply differently to you than to others. And yet, on Sunday, you may hear one message that applies to most. It may sound like there is only “one way” and everyone must conform to that…or be guilty the problem is you. I don’t believe that. But sometimes we can limit our progress by limiting our thinking to that simplistic view. “Everyone else seems happy, the problem must be me.”

You can start to learn to internally process the messages with a maturity that not all things that work for others will work for you, and not all things that work for you will work for others. And not all things can be perfectly expressed in words, which makes it hard to understand without experiencing it, and without just letting some things be and accepting them even if it isn’t expressed well at church.

God made differences in the world to enhance it and beautify it. You’re part of that. Find ways to embrace the “you” that you are…and you’ll find many gospel principles, when viewed under a different perspective, apply just beautifully and help build your self-esteem…and not always lower it…unless you are applying it a certain way. Perhaps God is teaching you this so that you might learn. Perhaps he wants you to first accept yourself, and then apply the principles, and he is going to help you figure that out.

Gospel principles of love, service, forgiveness, faith, hope, charity, unselfishness, sacrifice, etc….these are all good things to help us overcome our struggles and set goals to progress to who we need to become in this life. They do not all lead to guilt and shame because we aren’t perfect.

My advice is to take one thing at a time, and like an onion, peel back church things to find out if you believe it, don’t believe it, or need to learn it through a new lens so you can process it in a positive way in your life. Then…go to the next…and so on.

If our religion is something objective, then we must never avert our eyes from those elements in it which seem puzzling or repellant; for it will be precisely the puzzling or the repellant which conceals what we do not yet know and need to know….the truth we need most is hidden precisely in the doctrines you least like and least understand. Scientists make progress because scientists instead of running away from such troublesome phenomena or hushing them up, are constantly seeking them out. In the same way, there will be progress in Christian knowledge only as long as we accept the challenge of the difficult or repellant doctrines. A ‘liberal’ Christianity which considers itself free to alter the Faith whenever the Faith looks perplexing or repellent MUST be completely stagnant. Progress is made only into a resisting material.