Coming out to Non-Members

Over the years, as my philosophy has changed and my unorthodoxy grown, I’ve been faced with a conundrum — what do I say to non-members about my religion?

Orthodox Mormonism would normally expect us to be positive about it, to see it as a missionary opportunity. To be loyal to the church.

But my inner heart wants to dissassociate myself with it, without “hurting it”. One answer i came out with, that I liked was:

Yes, I am a member of the LDS church. I joined at twenty, served a mission, married in the temple, held just about every leadership position available to the average member, attend fairly regularly. But don’t think anything you hear about Mormon belief is part of my own belief system. I’m unorthodox, and what I think would surprise members and non-members alike. I’m not really involved anymore either — I stopped growing in it years ago — my service is now dedicated to wider humanitarian efforts

What is your story…?

Trying to figure that out. Stay tuned.

What is your story…?

My story is that I no longer advertise that I’m Mormon and I don’t advertise that I’m unorthodox. But when asked a question about my beliefs – either by a member or non member – I try to be as genuine as possible.

For example I used to have a souvenir from my mission prominently displayed in my work office. It generated questions, the result being me explaining what a mission is. When people ask me if I’d like coffee or alcohol I just say no thank you and if asked “why” I state that I prefer not to for health reasons instead of something something about my religion. Professionally I view being LDS as a minor liability.

It’s rare that I’m asked my opinion about specific doctrines, but when I am I’ll respond with something like the official church position is XYZ but my beliefs differ from that position.

IOn the other hand, I also don’t carry a sign around saying I’m not orthodox.

I do. I make a point of dissassociating myself from the labels and expectations people assume when they know you have an ethical foundation. One colleague who was working on his PhD in ethics told me that as soon as you say you are “ethical”, that you become a target for other peoples’ “shoulds” based on THEIR judgment of what an ethical person should do. Same applies to religion in my view. I don’t like the shoulds, don’t like the labels, don’t like the self-styled assumptions about how I should behave when people hear that I’m a baptized Mormon. I am an individual, and you can’t sum up my beliefs based on the stereotypical Mormon. I shun that.

I like elements of what everyone said — Roy’s soft approach, Roadrunner’s dual statement — the church’s belief and Roadrunner’s belief juxtaposed (great mediation technique). When they ask, I make a point of letting people know that I’m Mormon, but that they shouldn’t assume that any of the beliefs they hear associated with mainstream Mormonism is part of my belief system.

This disassociates me from the weird stuff, potentially, without getting into a deep doctrinal discussion. I think it may quell assumptions from others about how I should behave. My preference is to not have any discussion about my religious background, however — I never bring it up.

I’m even considering indicating that I’m Mormon, but that I made the decision to join 30 years ago when I had a different perspective on life. I am still Mormon but my belief system is independent of formal doctrine. I dedicate myself to community efforts that serve humanity in general.

If they ask if I am disaffected, *as one minister did”, I comment that some might call me that, but it’s not a blanket label as I still support my family in it, and contribute to the community when asked.

BTW, I like how Mel Gibson answered Barbara Walter’s incisive questions about how much sex there was in Mel’s movies back when he was popular — particularly given the fact he was an active Catholic. He replied

“It doesn’t bother me”.

She pushed, trying to draw him into a statement where he would defend himself weakly about the seeming inconsistency of his actions and his belief system. He replied “it doesn’t bother me”. It ended there, even after she pointed out the lack of agreement between his actions and his religion.

Frankly, I am starting to approach religion of any kind the way a consultant approaches a consulting client’s problem. Immerse yourself in their culture, values, and give perspectives consistent with THEIR values and perspective. What you think, personally, as a consultant has no bearing on THEIR situation. You are there to step into their world, and comment on their situation. Not to impose your own culture and belief system on them.

It’s an exercise in perspective taking, in immersing yourself in the world of another person, with true empathy. You are a chameleon. The only time your belief system comes into play when they want YOU to do something that is against your belief system. Not the one they assume you have, but the one you actually possess.

Last fall I was doing a case with a surgeon who has a huge busy practice. He uses our group exclusively .. And requests me to do his cases 2-3 days a week. His work is a huge financial piece for our entire group — not just my life.

We were talking football. BYU was playing his favorite team. I made a comment about the fact that I had to root for BYU .. as my first degree was from there. He stopped dead in his tracks, looked at me, and said, ” I never would have used you or grown to like you if I had known THAT in advance.” Later, he explained that he was raised by “crazed ” baptists and hates religious zealots of any stripe. He saw all Mormons as religious zealots.

I grew up hearing about how important it was to make sure everyone knew I was a Mormon. I am finding that it is actually better for me personally to be a little more circumspect. To state “I was raised LDS” or “my entire family is LDS” or ..

“Oh .. You’re going to SLC? Tell me tell you where to go! Those are my PEOPLE.”

When people start talking religion, I no longer try to talk about mine, I try to ask them questions about theirs. I find it leads to deeper connections with people. I like the difference.

I do my best to answer any questions people have as honestly and charitably as I can.

I work at a Catholic university. Many people know I’m Mormon; many don’t, I’m sure. I absolutely do NOT try to preach or proselyte in any way – and I tell LDS students who are interested in attending that they absolutely CANNOT try to do so either. They can be examples, and any interest that happens naturally and is initiated by the other person is fine, but they are not missionaries in any other sense of that word. We wouldn’t want anyone to come to church with us and preach their religion to us; we can’t do that to them as members of this university family.

I do sometimes get questions about the church, and like Ray I try to answer them honestly. I have no ill will toward the church (even in my anger stage) and I don’t wish to do it any harm. People aren’t usually looking for a deep answer. I did once have someone who had visited temple square ask me about the GAs being paid because she couldn’t believe they were not paid for what they do. I told her they were wealthy to begin with and that the church does pay them living expenses. She was satisfied with that answer.

On a side note, my son (currently working in the mission office) said he got a look at the mission president’s handbook. There are a few interesting things in there regarding finances.