Temple Endowments, Weddings, and Coercion

I’m in my Tina Turner Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome Phase — not sure what phase of Religious Change that is but the conveyor belt needs to stop.

You don’t need another hero? IIRC at the end of the movie Tina Turner has Mad Max at her mercy but decides to let him go claiming “Ain’t we a pair?” (the movie came on TV recently). How’s that for some symbolism?

For me and possibly many young men serving a mission was the gatekeeper for receiving the endowment. Receiving the endowment was something I had to do in order to serve, it was a requirement. Time and thought. All I knew is that I wanted to serve a mission and I had to get my endowment in order to do that. Granted at the time I really wanted to receive the endowment, it was billed as a required saving ordinance and there was an air of mystique surrounding the whole thing.

Time and thought. I went unprepared, alone. That dynamic put a spin on my interpretations of the event.

So much of the ordinance is kept secret I question just how prepared anyone can be. In that regard it’s sort of like having your first child. You can’t really be ready to become a parent, you just become one and learn on the job. Sure there are many things that can be done to prepare to make the transition a whole lot easier, but it’s really hard to gain the necessary experiences without first having lived them.

So my post represents a whole other dynamic, I’m thinking more along the lines of serving a mission and getting married as being gatekeepers for receiving one’s endowment, maybe someone is prepared but is barred entry. From your perspective the endowment was something you wanted to receive but wanted more time to prepare for?

The endowment and the sealing ceremony is a lot to take in, I couldn’t imagine doing it all in one afternoon. I do think that we’ve progressed as a community quite a bit since I received my endowments. I see a lot more youth that aren’t planning on serving a mission or getting married receiving their endowment, at least far more than I did before.

It does feel like we rush people to that ordinance. The endowment can be used as a motivator to reactivate people; something that should be a reverenced event is reduced to a carrot on a stick. We often tell someone that they need the endowment as opposed to letting them get to a place where they ask for it.

True story : My husband’s family were stationed in Europe when DH was called on a mission. Air Force enlisted man with 4 kids. DH had been staying with a Catholic aunt in LA and working while waiting for his mission call. Call finally arrived. DH needed to take out his endowments, and go to the MTC. He caught a bus from LA to Provo, got a hotel room, and took a taxi to the Provo Temple. Showed up by himself to take out his endowments. Someone there figured out pretty quickly that this 19 yo kid was on his own and helped him through.

Afterwards, he was trying to get a taxi back to his hotel, the same helpful guy ended up giving him a ride back to the hotel. DH checked himself into the MTC the next day wearing the homemade suit his mom had made him.

Sometimes, when I get grumpy about stuff .. I remember that DH had an even bigger surprise as he was all by himself. And for all the love and empathy the church can show, we all know how well an obviously homemade suit would have been received at the MTC.

I do want to say a little something about ‘coercion’. I understand why you felt coerced at the time, and I get it. But, now, 30 years later, I hope you are able to shed that feeling. I think I can say with some certainty that there wasn’t a single temple worker on that day thinking, “Ha, we’ve got her now. We’ve tricked her into coming here and now she will HAVE to live up to these promises. Score another one for Zion!” Rather, faithful members of the Church think of the temple and the endowment as the fulfillment of what they already believe and live; codified into a contract between God and the person. To them it is logical and the the vast majority think of it as an invitation rather than a conscription. The coercive nature of religion (including ours) is a side-effect that is produced by faithful adherents welcoming uncertain new initiates. Any initiate who feels a little unsure but goes along anyway will feel coerced. Coercion does exist. It’s real. But I believe it is unintended. It exists because the Church is careless about these kinds of side-effects, not because the Church is evil; it’s not the direct purpose of the Church to coerce. The Church could do much to eliminate these issues, as we’ve been discussing, but I’ve found a lot of comfort accepting the idea that the Church, its leaders, and (most) of its people have no malicious intent regarding these matters.

I really like this. It’s a reasonable and generous take on it, and I agree that it’s not the direct purpose of the Church to coerce. Is there another word for what I really reject? I’m talking about the clamping down on people who need space or time or freedom to change their approach to church, testimony bearing, garment wearing, etc. Then there’s often a shift into high gear with talk of broken promises and slackened commitments. But you made a covenant! That’s when I start feeling coerced. Because we all know how we got to this moment. There wasn’t any maliciousness on the church’s part before, but neither is there maliciousness on my part now. I love your thoughts on the first part of the question, so I’m hoping you can help me untangle this.

But you made a covenant! That’s when I start feeling coerced.

Everyone will react a little differently, so all I can do is talk about what has worked for me. Anyone who tries to talk to me that way, I simply recognize that that is how they see it from their point of view. Early on, talking to a person I respected, he told be, “Your struggle isn’t in your head, it’s on your knees.” I could be cynical about that, but instead, I recognized that he simply saw it that way. He wasn’t wrong, nor was he trying to force me. He was just offering help in the way he saw to be most helpful. I appreciated him for saying it that way. He wasn’t right from my perspective, but he was right from his. I’ve had others say “just have faith”, not understanding that I can’t simply manufacture faith out of thin air. But again, that’s just their perspective. If I had someone try to lay the guilt on (which I don’t think has ever happened, not in all my conversation about this with the faithful), I think it would be helpful to ask myself what lever they have. If I don’t agree with them, what are they going to do about it. I can’t be excommunicated or disfellowshipped; not for the way I act or what I say, because I’ve done nothing contrary to the Church or its teachings. I can be kept from performing priesthood ordinances. This depends on the bishop, as I have learned first-hand. But, I have a clear conscience about it. If I’m told I can’t do that, oh well. I can have a temple recommend withheld, but I already don’t ask for one. In other words, opportunities for true coercion are very limited, at least from a Church perspective. I’ve learned to think of my relationship between “God” and me as entirely personal and in no way directed or controlled by the Church. The Church is an aid, not an arbitrator. I could be a non-member and it would be no different. So I have nothing to fear or to lose. In that way, I never feel forced.

Now, personal relationships can be a different story. I don’t care whether my Bishop gets me or not, but I do want to stay in good standing with my wife, my kids, my extended family, and my friends. Here, I’ve learned to stay away from topics where we can’t easily agree (few exceptions, like I still bring up the SSMarriage issue with some regularity). My best advice is never to be in a conversation where the response of a loved one might be, “But you made a covenant!”

Ann wrote:

I keep wanting the solution to be something – anything – else. Because I’m having such trouble rerouting my relationships around the new obstacle, my changed belief.

Yes!

I haven’t seen my parents in a while and circumstances had me up for a quick 5 day visit. They talk politics, I get quiet. They talk religion, I get quieter. It would serve no purpose to bring up our differences. I can focus on the things we share.

I do find that I can focus on care, concern, and love. It is enough for a short visit.

AP,…this is unrelated directly to the coercion you mentioned about the temple, but in YM lives, back in the 80s when I went on a mission, there was a cultural norm, even teachings to indirectly support, that if you didn’t go on your mission, you were going to hell. The pressure to measure up was immense, and some young missionaries cracked under the pressure.

I didn’t particularly enjoy my mission, but I served it, and did the very best I could. When I got home, I was once in a therapist office for something totally unrelated, and asked this lady (because I knew she worked with LDS Family Services on a referral basis) if she ever worked with missionaries who struggled with their mission. She looked at me with a VERY incredulous look, and said that there were MANY she worked with.

When I became aware of the numbers, one of the things that began to bother me was the way in which RMs are coached and groomed for replies about their missions. I had a son, for example, who came home early of his own accord. He was still worthy,…but felt like there was no way he could serve in a system where he was told he was trusted, and yet wasn’t allowed to make choices about his activities. He was trusted, and yet was treated untrustworthy. This kid wasn’t taking any of that,..and he came home. I supported his decision, though it was difficult.

When he came home, there was a concerted effort to keep him away from all forthcoming missionaries–he was whisked off to a singles ward, carefully kept away from others, and so forth. This bothers me.

The church no longer tells missionaries they will go to hell if they don’t serve, which is a positive step, but there are things that still don’t make a lot of sense to me. And, when I was younger, though I wanted to go of my own accord, I was shocked by how many didn’t. I felt like the church in that manner….if you don’t go, you should go to hell. BECAUSE YOU ARE BAD!

Boy,…are there some attitudes and things I regret having.

Brief Thread Jack

They talk politics, I get quiet. They talk religion, I get quieter. It would serve no purpose to bring up our differences. I can focus on the things we share.

I do find that I can focus on care, concern, and love. It is enough for a short visit.

Ditto.

We now return to the OP.