Religion Trauma Syndrome?

No need to apologize. Thanks for taking time to post your story and your feelings so clearly and with such sincerity.

I promise you there is a way forward for you. And while there are scary thoughts ahead of not knowing how things will make sense, it is kind of like going away to college away from your parents and on your own to struggle and learn for yourself who you will become.

Just know many go through the very same feelings as you about prayer and about God and the collapse of the shelf of so many church things.

It is time for you to wrestle with the Lord, and define your faith.

It helps with support that you can’t always find at church, so feel free to read the posts and ask your questions here, even vent if it leads to working towards a solution.

Something tells me God needed you to have the experience now in your life, because he knows you are ready to learn great truths.

I look forward to learning more from your posts. Thanks for joining our forum.

Wow, DJ. Nice post. I always find it interesting we can connect with others, even strangers over the Internet, because we share similar feelings and experiences. Just knowing that is super helpful and supportive.

Also…N’oublie Pas…I might add another bit of advice, to not fear things DJ and others are saying about questioning even basics…like if God exists. At first, those thoughts make us fear that others will tell us we are apostates and really lost, in the mists of darkness, and in the clutches of Satan and all kinds of awful and scary images of an honest and sincere heart. Don’t let those fears keep you from following your heart, and if you can compartmentalize, as DJ suggested, taking the church and gospel separate, and prayer and other things like that…you can begin to sift out what is good and right for you and what is holding you back from not letting yourself think things in a new light, without having to throw it all away.

One of my favorite quotes for me is…

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.

-Rene Descartes

Doubt your doubts as well as your beliefs, but don’t fear doubting all things. Do a search on this website for discussions on Fowler’s Stages of Faith, and you can see that Stage 4 is angry and when you get past the anger, you can explore. Don’t hold yourself back thinking people at church will tell you that you are lost. Not all that wander are lost.

I hope that helps.

Nibbler:

I started laughing when I saw that picture. 😆 Oh my gosh that was clever. Thank you so much for sharing that!

“I was looking for him using someone else’s description and someone else’s treasure map. I struggled to find their god, I eventually convinced myself that perhaps he never existed. At some point I decided to look inward, look at the treasure map that I had scrawled during my life and to contemplate my own description. That’s when god started to come back into my view.”

Thank really really REALLY helped. And it would make so much sense too, if God is supposed to be personal for us. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling so much. Maybe I’m not supposed to follow the road map to the “T” because maybe I need to be lead somewhere else to help His other kiddos. In the blessing I asked for, the man said that I would be on this road to help other people. Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not following that “treasure map” because I wouldn’t be in the right place.

Do any of you have advice for how to go to church and filter out that harmful messages without feeling like a sin-bound soul?

And I really really REALLY appreciate all the help that has been extended to me. I seriously feel 1,000,000 times better.

That’s why God invented cell phones. Seriously, if I start to hear things I don’t like, I turn to my phone or tablet. I have several favorite talks bookmarked that I can read. Sometimes I read scripture. Sometimes I compose my own talk on the subject (if it’s a subject that interests me but is being presented differently than I would) in my head. Sometimes I research topics on my own. Sometimes I read the words to hymns. Sometimes I play games (the seminary teacher who sits in front of me always plays games). Unfortunately this great distractor does not filter out all things – I can still hear. On the other hand, sometimes the talk turns out to be really good (we had ward conference last month and the SPs talk was excellent – he railed a bit on judging, labeling, and some aspects of church culture). I think other have different ways of coping and I hope they chime in. Another thing I sometimes do is skip the other meetings, I rarely go to SS, actually, and I skip priesthood sometimes. Some people here only attend SM – if that’s what you need to do to get you through, by all means do it.

Side note – as you separate the gospel and the church you will find yourself less guilt ridden. The guilt comes from the church (more accurately the people in the church), not from the gospel. I’m not saying the people are evil – they’re just doing what they think is right for them, but that doesn’t mean it’s right for you.

N’oublie Pas,

Great intro. There are a lot of people here who have gone through very similar experiences. You’ve found a safe place to be open and honest. This is a great place to find welcoming and non-judgmental people who are all trying to find a way to Stay LDS, instead of just rejecting everything and becoming bitter about the entire church.

I can relate to your reluctance to look for answers through prayer. I’ve given up on seeking answers through prayer, simply because I have no way of knowing (reliably) whether the answer is coming from God, or from my own internal desires and thoughts. I still pray, but my prayers focus on giving thanks and asking for help through difficult situations. However, those prayers are in my heart, typically when I’m in a quiet moment, like driving in my car, sitting in my office, eating breakfast, etc., and not getting down on my knees and saying a formal, structured prayer. I view it as being similar to being on a phone call with very bad reception. If I can’t understand what the other person is saying, and I’m not positive that they’re hearing me either, then I’m not going to ask them huge questions that could affect the direction of my life and hope that I can understand their answer through the static. That’s just my personal approach right now.

DJ’s response wraps up the way I’ve had to approach my relationship with God going forward. Taking things slow, focusing on what you DO believe. I still believe in the gospel, as it was taught by Jesus Christ, but I’ve dropped just about everything that came from Joseph Smith. I see his teachings and Christ’s teachings as very different versions of the ‘gospel.’ But that’s for each individual to figure out. I think you’ll find that once you’re able to build your OWN foundation of what YOU believe, you’ll find that it is a much stronger place to begin re-building.

You asked how to listen to people at church who give those fire & brimstone type of lessons and talks without feeling guilty. Personally, I think a big part of it is to remember that those people are not your judge. The things they are saying are what THEY feel is the gospel. Just because they say things, and others agree with them, does not make them right! People here find many ways to deal with those types of situations. Some people write down their thoughts, some can laugh it off inside, some walk away, some read a book or play a game on their phone. You’ll have to find your own way to deal with the Pharisees in your life. They aren’t going away, and there will always be people supporting them. Personally, when I see people getting on their soapbox, I like to picture myself kicking it out from under them and walking away. People probably wonder why I often have a weird smile on my face at church.

Good luck finding your answers and welcome to the site!

DarkJedi:

I’ve actually found Zentangle (a form of meditative art) to be quite useful for helping me calm down. I think other StayLDS members may find it helpful. I am no artist by any means, but its a form of art that helps the participant enjoy the process instead of just the product. Maybe that’s what I need to to with accepting I’m in a faith transition.

I have also found that skipping meetings has been incredibly helpful. I think the goal for me right now is to be able to sit through Sacrament meeting with a straight face. I think the idea of how I personally would phrase a talk will really help me out. That really resonates with me, because simply ignoring it probably won’t help me, at least that’s how I personally see it. I think it will help me think critically about my issues and will help me come to a better frame of mind. Thank you for your advice. And it’s so so helpful to hear most of the guilt we receive at church is not especially gospel-oriented. Maybe leaders are just trying to give us “helpful” behavioral advice, but when it’s difficult to follow through, the consequences can be disastrous.

What are some of your personal favorite talks? I would be very interested in reading them at times when church is troubling. If you don’t feel comfortable posting here, you could send me a private message. Thank you for your help.

Amateurparent:

I’m trying to be supportive of my family, and of my boyfriend as well. I don’t feel like a super awesome girlfriend when I’m at his house and he’s at church, listening to very difficult topics. 😯 He needs support too because, as you said, some Sundays are just not ok. And one day at a time is so true. I feel like I’m trying to tackle years at once, and that’s not fair to myself. And I need to separate the truth from the guilt-ridden, shame-inducing culture. For some it works, but for me… well, it just doesn’t! 😆 And maybe that’s perfectly ok. Maybe God knew some of us would struggle with it. And I think He is helping us out by providing resources like these so we can help bear one another’s burdens.

Holy Cow:

Yes, my goal is not to become a bitter, resentful person from this experience. That’s specifically why I am asking my faith questions here instead of consulting another resource. I really would hate to be tied down by anger and regret and overall negative feelings all my life. I’ve been dealing with it for 3 years now, and enough is enough! 😆 For two years, I was trying to just jump through hoops backwards in order to reconcile everything, but this year has been when it has, more or less, hit the fan. 😯 I could finally accept that some things in the church, to me, are just not ok. That maybe the church may not be perfect for me. That maybe God wants me to develop in a different way. The church is perfectly ok for other people, and it’s not my place to say “well, it’s wrong because of …..” It has been difficult, however, saying and believing these things without feeling like the sin-bound soul who is trying to get herself kicked out of the Celestial Kingdom! 😆 I’m still trying to reconcile that, but everyone here has been incredibly supportive and loving so I feel like I can get in that happy place again instead of feeling useless and worthless to God. I think He’s happy that I’m taking some saving steps instead of just trying to “conceal, don’t feel” all the time. (Yes, I actually quoted Frozen – my elementary kiddos are always singing those songs) 😆

Yeah, I tried praying again for the first time in… I don’t know… months at least… this week and it was with very conflicting emotions. I’m trying to forget the past, yet I feel odd asking for things or help when I know there are others who have it so so SO much worse than me. This may sound strange, but I feel odd thanking God for my blessings when I feel there are so many who are so deserving yet do not have them. Why do I have them and others do not? This brings so much guilt acknowledging it in prayer. And it feels weird to ask for help when I know there are so so SO many people asking for help yet not receiving answers or they feel they are being ignored or slighted. I don’t think God intends that, but it feels that way at times. And it’s been difficult thinking, “well, is this God answering or am I just hoping for this?” Honestly, my prayers are now more or less one-sided conversations, asking God about things I am having issues with religiously but not expecting Him to answer. I’m not putting any pressure on Him cause I don’t feel it’s my business to… He’s got kingdoms to run and other kids to help and all that stuff. 😆 I figure He’ll get around to me when the time is right, and I feel like I have been finally getting answers to things. But it’s been helping me a lot to not pray and expect answers in the “traditional” Mormon way but just ask sincerely and to throughly think through some of the problems I’m having. Sometimes I get them as I am questioning, and maybe it’s my own brain answering me, or maybe it’s God. Frankly, I don’t care how He does it. If it’s comforting answers that I came up with myself but were secretly inspired by Him, I’ll take it.

Do any of you have advice for how to go to church and filter out that harmful messages without feeling like a sin-bound soul?

I like to think of it as practicing cultural anthropology. Here’s how I would describe it:

1) Completely disaffiliate (mentally). How other people see things is not a reflection on you. You have your own way of viewing the gospel, and just because we all have the title “Mormon” doesn’t mean we are all the same. What’s important to us differs. What bothers us differs. Our life experiences differ. Our needs and wants differ. “I’m OK, you’re OK.”

2) Realize that what you think other Mormons think God thinks of you is all just nonsense. Have your own relationship with God, and as Ann said, you’ll see that his love is not conditional, but people’s love, family and other church members, is definitely conditional. That’s not to say be a hedonist and do whatever you want either. Just that you are dwelling on how you don’t fit in and calling that God’s love. God is not the author of social norms. God is not one of the Mean Girls, judging you for wearing sweatpants on the wrong day.

3) Be curious about others. Try to learn your own unconditional love. Ask yourself “Why do people think that way?” or “What is that person’s motives?” or “What need is that person trying to fulfill by seeing it this way?”

I listen much more closely at church than ever before because it’s really interesting to try to understand why people say and do what they say and do. And I think about my own motives and needs and how they influence my interpretation of the gospel. It’s like being an armchair psychologist, but it also creates a lot of empathy for others than I was naturally inclined to feel. Even people who used to piss me off really don’t now, for the most part. My pet peeves are lazy interpretations, people who literally have never even read anything, including the scriptures, but are just spouting some party line, and people who cluck their tongues at outward appearances, etc. But there’s always more to people the more I listen.

For a quick example, I took an instant and superficial dislike to a woman at church. She didn’t like people using first names with each other, which not only sounded stupid to me but like some kind of formal nonsense crap that was exactly the opposite of the gospel IMO, some cultural artifact of hers. Plus, she revealed a complete ignorance of the New Testament in Sunday School so I knew she hadn’t read it. She seemed judgmental, lazy, and boring to me. But then I deliberately tried to set that aside and listen more closely. She’s always had a career, something I admire and relate to, and she talks openly about it (not bragging, but not hiding it). She’s been caring for her sick father who is dying, and so I started to feel empathy for her. It’s tough to lose a parent, particularly when his mind is going as hers is. And she gave the best, most inclusive talk ever, just a total slam dunk. So, I’ve come to see that she’s more than the sum of her parts, and like everyone, she’s a mass of contradictions, a mix of the best and worst of things, just like me.