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The church teaches that we should teach the gospel at home. That teaching at church is a supplement to teaching at home, not the other way around. When I got married, I was excited about FHE, Fam prayer and scriptures. But I had little or no support from my wife. So after a few years, I gave up (like a lot of things in my vision of what family life should be).
Now, fast forward almost 17 years, and my daughter is TBM. She knows the gospel pretty well, she lives the standards. It appears that teaching and training about the LDS gospel at home is unnecessary when children go to church. The only thing that HAS been necessary was what I call “neutralization” of harmful church values. And that happens on an ad hoc basis when issues come up, not in a formal FHE setting (my daughter talks to me almost every single day, in depth about the day’s events, so there are lots of opportunities).
Is it really necessary to “teach the gospel in the home” when regular, or even semi-regular attendance at church seems to impart the necessary knowledge to children?
I am a supporter of teaching the gospel at home. I believe it is the primary responsibility of the parent to teach the gospel. Like you, we did once have regular FHE (although not always a lesson), daily scripture reading ( I can’t say it was study) and family prayer. It was me who stopped supporting the idea when I stopped believing in the church. That does not mean that our children weren’t taught Christian values, however. The old saying “preach the gospel at all times, use words if necessary” was the general rule. So, to answer your question, I will ask a question. What is it that you want your children to learn? Do you want them to learn the gospel or the church version of the gospel? (Note that I believe the version of the gospel taught at church is correct, but it is also added to and complicated so that the core messages sometimes get lost.) If you’re fine with what’s taught in the Primary and SS lessons, then I don’t see an issue. While I think the church’s official stance is that church backs up the teachings from the home, I honestly believe most people see it the other way around.
I might add that I don’t always know when “neutralizing” is necessary because I don’t know what each and every lesson contains or what individual teachers might have added on their own.
There are families who focus on FHE sing-a-longs. Others focus on scripture mastery and study. Some look at FHE as a competition, and they want their family to win every week. I grew up with a very service oriented mom. She taught us that it didn’t matter how often you studied scripture as much as it mattered how you lived your life. Service to others was most important. She felt sincere prayer, a relationship with God, and service would take you far. I internalized that. I believe that. That lesson is one I have tried to pass on to my children. I am pleased that my children recognize needs in others and they actively work to help fill those needs.
My children learn service to others at home. At church, there is so much talk about following all kinds of rules in just the right way. I believe that if you do the right thing, for the right reason, the rules are followed.
We send snacks to HP group most Sundays. Cookies, cinnamon rolls, a pie. We were dared to send ribs one week. We did. Full racks of ribs. If snacks are good enough for nursery, it seems likely they are appropriate for HP too. FWIW, Attendance
is up. We see it as another service project ..
AP — if I knew you were bringing ribs to HP group, I’d go every week 
Quote:So, to answer your question, I will ask a question. What is it that you want your children to learn? Do you want them to learn the gospel or the church version of the gospel?
I teach them about life things. My daugher, for example FORGOT that you need oil in the car or it breaks the engine. So, she comes to me to all car repair visits, has changed tires with me, and knows how to check and top-off fluids. I teach them to paint, to fix things, how to light a fire, how to negotiate for a car etcetera.
For my son, who has rejected the LDS experience at a very young age, I think some kind of FHE is important, but it will transcend the LDS Gospel — will likely focus on Christ, service, character, and relationships. In the absence of the church in his life, I think this is the only way he will get the character training I want.
The problem is, I have no curriculum, no plan, and he is 12 now — the days are growing short when he will cooperate with us. I feel a sense of urgency to teach at home — but not the LDS version of the gospel — and only because my son has nothing at this point. I don’t want society to fill the void.
Yes, it is absolutely critical to me to teach the Gospel in our home – and to set that teaching as primary and the teaching at church as secondary. That is one area where I think the official church stance it spot-on and non-negotiable. We have not had regular FHE throughout the years, but I am fine with that – since we have had regular Gospel discussions that cover FAR more time than FHE would have covered. I have spent lots of quality time with my kids, intentionally, instead of doing lots of other things I could have done – and it has made a HUGE difference in their lives.
Also, just to give a counter example, I know of a couple where we lived years ago whose daughter got pregnant as a teenager. They blamed the Church for it, since they took her to church each week – and then went home during church – and then picked her up from church when the meetings were over – and didn’t teach the Gospel in their own home – etc.
I know there are plenty of kids who go to church AND have good parents who teach the Gospel in their homes who still end up in unhappy, unhealthy, difficult situations (because, in the end, all of us are individuals with agency to make our own choices and be subject to our own mortal limitations), but I believe passionately that the home is the primary source of teaching – and I believe we here should celebrate that official church stance more than just about any other.
Quote:The problem is, I have no curriculum, no plan, and he is 12 now — the days are growing short when he will cooperate with us. I feel a sense of urgency to teach at home — but not the LDS version of the gospel — and only because my son has nothing at this point. I don’t want society to fill the void.
SilentDawning, you can teach him familial bonding and love. You can teach unconditional love and acceptance. You can teach him how to say “no” firmly and sweetly and definitively. You can teach him the joy of caring for someone else and the humility and gratitude of accepting help when we cannot do for ourselves. Cooking, car repairs, coding, how to write an appropriate thank you note. We had our youngest come in and practice presenting an idea to us. She planned to talk to the director of her school about implementing a change. She was nervous. We spent an evening having her present her idea to us. She started out thinking it was lame. By the end, she was very grateful for the experience. She learned a lot about herself and a out how to present something to a person in a position of authority.
Each experience of interaction weaves the bonds of family a little tighter. Common memories and common experiences will help him in the future.
Talk about the good you have found in the church. Talk about the good you have found in other churches.
Listen.
I separate out church from gospel, and lessons from teaching. I’m always teaching the gospel to my children, whether on the river fishing, building a fence in the yard, delivering cookies to neighbors, or doing work and schoolwork in our lives. FHE is like a formal scheduled event as something we agree to do as a family to get together in an organized way to have experiences. Ours follows the format we rotate one person conducts and calls on prayers, one person picks a song, I lead the family through the weekly schedule, one person is assigned the lesson, the game/activity, and the treat. Some things are taught by following that format. The younger ones in the family seem to like it more than the older ones. We adapt it as needed to the older ones sometimes.
Church is a formal scheduled event for the family to do the same with the ward families.
The real gospel teaching is the day to day interactions and conversations and choices being made and talked about outside those formal events, and sometimes need to be in reaction to those formal events. Teaching the gospel at home is woven into daily living.
Speaking to my oldest daughter while folding laundry:
Quote:Seems like during our FHE lesson, the littlest in the family keeps running around and not listening or participating. It makes it hard to have a lesson. Makes me wonder why we do FHE. But I think we should…what do you think we can do to teach him to sit still or be reverent?
Speaking to my oldest teenage son who had a lesson on serving a mission in church:
Quote:Seems like some people put so much emphasis on serving a mission, I wonder how it makes some families feel who have a son that doesn’t want to or can’t serve a mission? What do you think is right?
It’s my responsibility to teach my children life lessons, and the gospel is about the truths of living a successful life. The church teachings are a subset of that, and the church is a support for doing it. School and church are only one category of the things to teach children things for a certain purpose.
Family life is applying all sources of learning to becoming who we are.
Love it Heber…love it…I would call that “embedded teaching”. I would like to share a contrast here. In my wife’s family, when she grew up, the parents would say “When you are living under our roof, you do what we say; when you get your own place, you can do whatever you want.”
Contrast that to an “embedded” teaching moment like the ones you describe. These embedded moments use the work of the moment to teach a long-term lesson — not to simply enforce behavior in that specific sitaution.
For example, when you have a job for them to do, like clean up family dishes, and they object you say:
Quote:You need to get in the habit of cleaning up the dishes. You will not only live with us, eventually you will have room-mates, possibly a spouse, and children of your own…you need to learn how to contribute equally to the work of the household — in our family and beyond. This will help you learn to get along with others for your lifetime”
Old-Timer wrote:Yes, it is absolutely critical to me to teach the Gospel in our home – and to set that teaching as primary and the teaching at church as secondary. That is one area where I think the official church stance it spot-on and non-negotiable.
Teaching in the home — yes. The official LDS gospel — not convinced. Partly because I don’t agree with some of it now. I do believe that teaching bedrock principles — chastity, honesty, kindness, frugality, budgeting, self-reliance — all those things are good. But I have found my kids know all the LDS stuff (the JS Story, the role of temples, work for the dead, the role of prophets). I don’t see the need to teach it….
But I see your point that if you leave it all to the church, and do not discuss it at home, the child may not integrate it into their pscyhology.
I am feeling the call to be more formal in teaching my son, in particular. He is not a visionary. He tends to live for the moment. I am tentatively thinking of drawing out a brief home curriculum that I will follow while he is still malleable in a number of ways….the FHE manual may provide some suitable lessons.
Suggested topics — car maintenance, saving (he already knows this), how to fix and paint things, dating standards, how to be a good employee, the importance of education and excellence at school, understanding a person’s personal strengths — including his own. For him, entrepreneurship, delegation and leadership. Honesty, how to treat women. And the importance of service in one’s life. Also, how to make your own doctor appointments.
I will probably have to do this alone, as I do not get support for such things from my wife. But I feel that I must do it or the opportunity will soon vanish….is this revelation? Not sure, but I feel strongly about it, so that’s enough.
SilentDawning wrote:Contrast that to an “embedded” teaching moment like the ones you describe. These embedded moments use the work of the moment to teach a long-term lesson — not to simply enforce behavior in that specific sitaution.
Well said. I totally agree. And embedding the gospel teaching is just the same. They are likely to go through faith trials or even a crisis someday.You can tell them they will figure that out on their own when they are out of the house, or you can connect with them so you have a lifetime of opportunities to keep teaching them and supporting them, whether in your home or out. And just in doing that, you are showing an example they learn from.
They might not even remember the topic at church that ruffled their feathers, or how it even started when the other youth bullied them…but they’ll remember how they felt when dad responded the way he did.
Most of our FHE’s focus on very basic things as well. With elementary age kids, we talk a lot about bullying, safety, treating others kindly, honesty, kindness, keeping promises, and such. Actually, most of our lessons come straight out of my sons cub scout book. We’ll work on one of the things that he needs to pass off, and we’ll turn it into a family topic. And about once every 4-6 weeks we’ll talk about something from the New Testament.
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