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I have a question about this. I raised this in a HP group meeting once, when we were talking about honesty. It was all about naked, truthful honesty — there was no discussion about judgment. Or what I call “honesty to the point of impropriety”. I raised this with the quorum, and indicated that at times, naked honesty can result in a) losing your job b) causing massive, timeless hurt to your wife or family c) retaliation from others and d) sometimes, in criminal situations, implicating yourself in a crime, when you were only the person reporting that you saw it, heard about it, or were told about it.
How do you teach “realistic” honesty to older teenagers and young adults? Do you teach naked, black and white honesty, and let them figure out the need for nuanced truth on their own at times, or do you teach them what I call “tempered honesty”?
I believe in creative honesty – and I have told my kids and even my co-workers that openly. “
Why I Believe in Creative and Controlled Honesty” ( http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2015/04/why-i-believe-in-creative-and.html Quote:How do you teach “realistic” honesty to older teenagers and young adults? Do you teach naked, black and white honesty, and let them figure out the need for nuanced truth on their own at times, or do you teach them what I call “tempered honesty”?
I like to call it Hard Honesty and Soft Honesty. Most of us don’t like to be around really hard people for large amounts of time. They seem so judgemental.
This makes me think of social situations when someone has something wrong going on with their clothes. If it can be fixed , such as, skirt is tucked into their panties, I block the view as much as possible and let them know. If there is a huge run in their stockings, they have no way of fixing that. I pretend not to notice the run. I’ll mention spinach between teeth, but not the bad dentures. If it is fixable, it gets mentioned. If it cannot be an easy fix, I pretend not to see the issue.
Years ago, working in ICU, we had an agency ICU nurse one day. He was an excellent RN, but he had horrible body oder. People complained. At the end of his shift, I was supposed to sign off on his forms and let the facility know whether he was approved to come back or not. He needed the work, we needed his skill set, but he smelled. The ethical and honest thing was to tell him. It wasn’t my most comfortable conversation, but he deserved my honesty. I didn’t want him to find himself unemployable without knowing why.
He was embarrassed to find out that he smelled. He admitted to having gone on a long run in the morning and just heading straight on to work. No shower. I told him that if he could improve his hygiene, we would love to have him back. I also told him that if I got complaints in the future, we would change that status. He fixed the problem.
Sometimes, hard honesty has to happen. But most situations don’t need such black and white honesty. Hard honesty usually does more harm than good. Softer, gentler honesty is usually more effective.
Children of all ages should be taught the nuances of society. But the time they are older teens or young adults, they should be functioning fully aware of such nuances of honesty.
A harder lesson to teach is “Just because someone is fun doesn’t mean they are a good influence on you or your life.”
SilentDawning wrote:I raised this with the quorum, and indicated that at times, naked honesty can result in a) losing your job b) causing massive, timeless hurt to your wife or family c) retaliation from others and d) sometimes, in criminal situations, implicating yourself in a crime, when you were only the person reporting that you saw it, heard about it, or were told about it.
If these are true…I better equip my children with the right thinking behind choosing the right kind of honesty that will help them succeed in life. Whatever that is would be the “right” teaching in my home.It’s not black and white…all honesty or no honesty. It’s becoming wise to know how to be honest and caring and what circumstances require what level of discretion to avoid the negative stuff you started to identify.
If there was one way to do it perfectly…that book would have been written. But there are lotsa books on approaching it…not one.
In all honesty…sometimes the answer to kids at home is … “I don’t know.” Sometimes the honest answer kids need to hear is there are not answers to every situation on what is best.
One person may appreciate being told the dress doesn’t make them look good before they go out in public, another person may wish that honesty was withheld and they need more confidence boosters they are fine no matter what they wear.
The teaching in the home is knowing how to decide how to be honest in various situations.
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