Alternating churches

I recommend coming to a clear understanding with your husband.

Will he alternate with you to the LDS church on the other weeks? Would it be ok for him to Join the UU church or do you anticipate perpetually attending as visitors? Do you know what would be done in your home in respect to FHE? What about when the kids come of age to be baptized or receive the priesthood? Modesty standards? WoW? Garment wearing?

I prefer that these and many more questions are explored up front to prevent misunderstandings later.

I personally participate in several churches and interfaith events in our area. In non-LDS lingo I say that the LDS church is my “home church.” For LDS listeners I say that I participate at a variety of churches but only attend the LDS (even though my work schedule makes my actual attendance infrequent – essentially I am saying that I am still loyal to the LDS.)

Have any of you ever tried alternating churches every week? How difficult is it? I’m especially wondering for the kids’ sake.

While I do not “alternate” we do go to kid’s town, pioneer club (i actually served as the teacher for the pioneer club at our local First Christian Church for an entire year.), and vacation bible schools (This summer my kids will have attended 5 VBS’s) The kids enjoy it. I actually do not think the LDS church has anything to offer young children until they become of scouting age.

My kids do notice the occasional doctrinal difference but mostly the notice behavioral differences. Why are the leaders from such and such church drinking coffee or wearing tank tops or not ashamed of their body art? At the moment this seems to help in rearing well balanced kids that understand that two good religious people can honestly see God’s will differently. I do suspect that at some point this will cause hardship when my kids come into contact with the more conservative element of the LDS church.

I don’t know our new ward yet, so I don’t know how it would be received there.

Be prepared for there to be some level of judgment there. In my own experience I draw the line between participating in and attending other churches. I have had to explain the difference many times. You may also find benefit in playing the mixed faith marriage card. If your husband and/or his family is Universalist and you make some sort of accommodation to respect that – who could fault you? Unfortunately people who leave the church are afforded much less dignity than those that never were members so this may not be a long term solution as people will probably know or find out that your husband is an LDS member.

At any rate. I hope my thoughts and experiences have been somewhat helpful.

I have a friend with young children who alternates between LDS and a nondenominational Christian church. Her children are young and one has Downs Syndrome. She struggles with it as her DH is not LDS, the other congregation is set up to handle kids with special needs, her children prefer the other congregation and services, and yet, she feels like she should be attending the LDS church.

Recently, she has been attending the LDS church every week, and the kids alternate between churches .. One week with mom and one week with dad. She feels like the kids are better able to separate the congregations when They can see one as Dad’s church and one as Mom’s church.

There is never going to be a perfect answer .. Just the best answer for you and your family.

There really is no one answer. There are good and bad things about both approaches.

Bad: The kids may be more confused. They may be left out of some activities when leaders are not sure if they are there or not. It is simpler when it is just one program they are involved in. There are likely to be questions from the kids to explain to them, and different teaches to talk through as a family.

In my family, even when we divorced and the kids went to 2 different LDS wards, one with me, the next week with their mom, it was hard on them to be involved, to know about activities, to be included in plans, just because they were there only half the time and others didn’t know when they would or wouldn’t be there. So…even without introducing a new religion, just splitting things for the kids can be a challenge in and of itself. We ended up having them be assigned to one ward, and the parents switched, not the kids.

Good: It is probably more genuine and honest about how you feel as parents, and that is good for the kids to learn authenticity, as much as they’ll be able to comprehend at their age anyway. Different teachings can be good to expose them to. It can also help you make sure you don’t think the grass is always greener elsewhere when you’ve checked other things out and see all churches have their good and bad about it. Seeking goodness is the goal.

I think as the kids get older into their teenage years…they’ll be able to choose themselves and I know families that the kids choose to go to LDS church even without their parents, or when their parents don’t go.

When they are young…they may not really know what the difference is.

I think compromises can help things progress forward. If you focus on bringing good things into your life and your family…embrace goodness from where ever you can find it.

Probably most important is you and your DH can talk openly about how it makes you feel or him feel or the kids feel. Then monitor agreements and compromises based on feelings. Love and respect for each other is the most important priority. Keep things prioritized and be willing to compromise when it leads to better things.

It’s okay with me if he joins the UU church, but I’m not going to. Whether he wears garments (yes as of now, but I think it won’t last long) or sticks to the WoW (he doesn’t plan to – I’ll be surprised if he hasn’t gone out for drinks by the end of the month), those are his decisions and things I can’t control.

It sounds like he is not going to take your feelings into significant account in making these decisions. I am sorry. For me and my wife it was very helpful to have an understanding of what can be depended upon to continue as before (garments, WoW, church attendance generally) and what will change (tithing, less willingness to fill time consuming callings).

I hope that you can know what to expect from your husband even if you might not get everything you may want. I just feel that spouses have a right to know what to expect from one another.

The positive I suppose is that if your husband is completely dropping the LDS church then you could be honest with the ward and let them know that your husband is a Universalist for all intents and purposes. They may pity you but I do not believe that they could fault you under the circumstances.

Good luck. There is no road where you are going – you are forging your own path.