Reengaging with my Ward

The purpose of meeting with the HPGL is to set boundaries on my service. Was there something in my approach that might sound like bridge-burning? Just curious.

No, just a general precaution. You may recall that I had planned a similar meeting with my bishop prior to returning (which was preempted by a favorable calling). Just don’t set any boundaries or divulge any information that you might later regret – despite forgiveness some things seem to be able to hang on a long time with some leaders.

Good advice — I think that after setting boundaries I might give the caveat that I leave myself open to make a dramatic change at any time. But that I will let the ward know I will make that change known on my own schedule — without coming across as rough about it in my speech or demeanor.

I have told my bishop that my testimony based upon knowledge has crumbled but that I still have a testimony of things that I hope for and believe to be true.

I would give a similar answer. I would say that my testimony has taken a number of hits over the years, but I keep coming back due to the spiritual experiences I can’t deny, and that give me hope. I also believe there isn’t anything better out there in terms of firm information about the next life than the LDS Church, even though the trustworthiness of it is an open question to me at times.

The biggie is tithing. I have reason to believe that I would have a TR right now if I paid tithing. Were I to start paying tithing, I would come up with a calculation of our “increase” that DW and I could feel good about and go from there. In the TR interview I would simply answer “Yes” to the question about honest tithes and not go into details.

When I read Michael Quinn’s Extensions of Power, and saw the history of tithing, I was left with the impression that tithing is really there to fund the church’s operations as its primary focus. Sure, it can be good for the spirit for some, but I believe the Church needed the funds, was frustrated at lack of tithing commitment, and then finally hit on a highly successful formula/set of policies — after many “misses”. I understand why the church leaders don’t want to upset a good thing that gives the church so much power and flexibility to achieve its mission now that it is strong economically. And of course, economic success may not last either, so it’s best for the leadership to keep the expectation of 10% of a gross or net figure before the membership, keep collecting, and keep embedding it in the culture, access to privileges etcetera, even though I believe the church has more than enough for its needs.

Outside of worthiness/TR interviews or tithing settlement – I would not recommend having these sorts of conversations. I applaud boundaries, but when advertised they can come across as off-putting and arrogant. Not a great way to reintroduce yourself to the ward IMO.

Thanks for the perspective — this really hit me, the part in bold immediately above. I wouldn’t want to come across as repellent or arrogant, and I agree that showing up and giving a long list of terms may not be the best thing.

At the same time, when the local Ward sees a formerly committed and productive member, they will immediately begin thinking about how they can “use me” to achieve the ward’s goals. Rather than have to field request after request, week after week, I would rather have the limits set and keep all that at bay, like a force field around me.

How would you suggest I accomplish that, so I don’t go nuts again with conversation after conversation, and phone call after phone call asking me to do things I’m not interested in and unwilling to do?

SD – You’ve undoubtedly considered this from every angle. If it were me, I’d probably not do anything ahead of time and save my energy for generating the honest and casual responses I wish I’d learned to give decades ago when being pushed just too far. Also, you might be surprised. They might not need your particular skills right now, and you could ease back in with a light load.

Looking forward to hearing how this goes.

The thought of having to set boundaries one member at a time makes me now want to go back.

It’s a way off anyway as the building is still not ready, and we aren’t sure when it will be ready, but seems to be making fast progress.

Good news is that I have a mindset where I’m not willing to do anything I’m not willing to do anymore — expressed kindly and casually as Ann suggested. You’ve all give me something to think about though – that perhaps a very casual approach might be best. I know our Ward salivates when anyone with a bit of commitment shows signs of activity though. And they immediately go for the jugular….for instance, I gave my daughter a ride to a TR interview and the new Bishop called me into his office and asked me to take on the Exec Sec position without even asking me where I was with the church or the developments of the last few years. That was a real eye-opener as I was just like that myself when I was a TBM leader. People showing commitment in attendance set off my staffing bells and I thought instantly about our organizational needs, assumed newcomers had recommitted, and started asking them to do things…not a healthy assumption/approach to take based on my current perspective.

I also find those conversations where they ask you to jump back in with both feet uncomfortable and would rather pre-empt them. I’m pretty sure I won’t find joy in the experience of attending though, AP — I’m going for other reasons, such as relationship-building at home, my son, and preparing for the day when a TR may be a desireable thing to hold. The idea is to be involved without being too involved.

I agree that we often expect people to jump back in with both feet. We even think that we are doing them a favor since having a calling will keep them committed and attending and feeling like a contributing member with some skin in the game.

If you must have the “define the relationship talk” with the HPGL then I would suggest an “I’ve just really been burned out and need to recover on the bench for a while” position. (I, myself, would have this talk after I have been extended a calling or responsibility that I must decline.)

It can stave off immediate requests for big commitments. Over time you will have an opportunity to get to know the group and they will have an opportunity to know you.