Feeling alone

I know the loneliness feelings, and the feeling of estrangement from the family who raised you. I have a few suggestions.

1. Focus on the fact that you still have a family (the one you live with). Your husband may not love church, but he’s part of your life, as are your children. You share a lot with each other…and that’s important..and much of it transcends, or is independent of church. Many people are alone and have no one, or only their spouse.

I realized recently you don’t always have your children — they grow up and move on — so enjoy the fact that you have those three people in your life (your husband, your two children). Take joy in that — do things with them, have meaningful experiences together while you still can. 19 years can go by just like “that” and this week even, you can have memorable, satisfying experiences that pick you up.

2. It sounds like you feel that because your husband doesn’t like going to church that you are alone. I would try to look at it differently — that his church involvement is not the driver of your relationship. It’s the time you spend together, the things you do together, and even the fact that he’s supportive of you by coming to church. The church people in your life are not permanent. The ones who accompanied me to the temple for my endowment — I never talk to them anymore. We are not enemies, but we have all moved to different parts of the continent so we are not on each others’ radar. But the relationships you have with your husband and kids are the most permanent and most important – the antidote for loneliness is with you in your home. I would not let the church experience interfere with the fulfillment of family life. Family life really is more permanent than the relationships you forge at church.

3. Your parents — tough one — perhaps the best thing you can do is build a good biological family now with your husband and your kids. I also think that the sooner we realize there is a church vision and an actual incarnation of who everyone is (that is much different than the church personna/vision of what a family is), the better off we are. Everything seems orderly and the way it should be at church, but people’s lives — they are not the picture of order one would think they are. In a lot of cases out there. Best to approach church people with low expectations. If you spent time with even some of the “best” people in your Ward for a long period of time — as a family member — you would see massive warts.

4. I’m sorry for what your parents did. I take comfort in this though — that Winston Churchill and Abe Lincoln both suffered from opposition that made them unhappy — both had depression. I believe Abe Lincoln had terrible, unhappy marriage too….Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, said that Churchill and Lincoln lived very productive lives in spite of the things that dragged them down. So, when you reflect on the imperfection of your upbringing, and your life, don’t let it get in the way of having a good life. I like it that Seligman didn’t say I (who suffer from the blues now and then, and have regrets about major decisions in my life) had to be Polyanna to be successful or even happy — only that I had to minimize the impact of the life experiences that trigger the blues, the loneliness, etcetera. And so far, I have done that – with experiences behind me I cherish and fill me with a sense of self-respect when I look at them — in spite of having tendencies to look at the glass as half-full, or having some crosses to bear.

I’m glad you wrote and I hope our words here help you connect….

Thank you for taking time to post your feelings. I bet there are many others out there that feel like you do, and reading your words will provide them with comfort we are not as alone in this world as we feel.

Your trials are not easy ones. Certainly you are become aware of the world from a new point of view. It starts to make you ask fundamental questions…like “Is there really any truth?” when you feel the rug has been pulled out from under you.

All I can share with you is that there are good things at church. Sometimes you bump into good people and get good support. Sometimes you’re in a situation where no one in your ward is there to understand you and support you.

My testimony is that the church offers us things to do that are healthy. Just because others are imperfect (like your parents) does not mean you are them. Keeping up with the Jones-es will not bring happiness. You need to search for who you want to become, what you want to be to teach your children differently, you need to seek for peace and happiness.

What are your favorite things about the church and the gospel teachings? You could start by reflecting on those.

We are here to support you, as your new friends.

My journey has been different than yours. But I think I can learn from you, and I hope to offer support and words of experience from my point of view. We’re all part of God’s family.

Welcome to the forum.

I would just advise against putting all your social connection eggs in one basket. Try to diversify.

Really good advice here. You will find that as the church footprint on your life gets smaller, you feel less disturbed by the challenges it presents. You have a lot of other interests and circles of friends that are vibrant and alive. It doesn’t have to be about the church all the time.

Welcome. I have nothing to add but the welcome. Please keep talking, if someone’s thoughts sound similar to yours but you want to be private about it feel free to PM them. I have hung out on this board for nearly six years, there are many friends and soothing connections here, I hope you find some, too.

Hugs to you.

Maybe not “easy”, but I do think when you are on a good path there is a good flow you find yourself in, where it doesn’t need to be harder than it needs to be. In other words, sometimes we try to force ourselves to “fit the mold” until you learn you are a different mold that is just fine the way it is, and so you can relax and be still and be at peace as you are. Then you can find friends or put effort towards good things that seem to come a little easier, even if it is taking effort, it is good effort. You sound like you have a good perspective.