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Hey there, I’m new to the site. A little background on me, I am 26, from South Dakota. I grew up going to a korean baptist church with my mother (who is korean) and the whole service was in korean. The problem was, I don’t speak korean. Anyhow…growing up I didn’t have much of a moral compass. I drank, spoked pot, went to parties and occasionally fooled around with a guy.
Then I met my future husband at 19. When we met, he was married (don’t worry, I’m not a home wrecker) but was separated from his wife because she had been having an affair. Long story short, they finally got divorced and hubby and I got married two years ago in Provo right when we moved out here. My hubby was LDS growing up until about the time I met him, then he went inactive. I never knew anything about the church but as we dated I learned things here and there and I was curious but content with my life at the time. Just over a year ago, my hubby and I went through a personal crisis and I prayed to God and got my answer. My answer was to join the Church…so I did. It started off great, I was so much happier and felt the spirit all the time. I found my way out of depression and my marriage eventually got better. My hubby came around and became active and so on and so fourth. Finally this summer I went and received my endowment at the Payson Temple. It was a great experience….but ever since…and maybe a little before….I haven’t felt the spirit and I’ve been wondering a lot if I had made the right choice. I’ve always been a bit liberal in my views on certain social topics such as abortion, gay marriage and so fourth, but I’ve been a little “put off” by some of the Church’s views and it’s not only that but I miss certain things from my life before, such as having a glass of wine with dinner, smoking hookah with my hubby, wearing tank tops and not having to be super uncomfortable in my “g’s”. I think I made a mistake in joining the church but….I don’t know who to talk to…I’m worried about talking to my husband and my bishop….I just….I don’t think this is a good fit for me and I’ve never really felt accepted or part of the group, always the odd one out. I don’t think I want to be a Mormon anymore. Help?
Hi, ihcake – :wave: I’m glad you’re here. This site is a great place for honest talk. I don’t know how much time you have to read through the threads, but there’s a lot of accumulated life experience here and you can see how others have journeyed on. The first thing is to take the edge off the panic and realizing you’re not completely alone helps.Welcome to StayLDS. If there are some things that fit and some that don’t how would you feel about only keeping the elements that fit and discarding the elements that don’t?
The church often facilitates all or nothing culture, it doesn’t have to be that way. Sometimes we even hear pointed lessons that the “cafeteria” approach is sinful but if you are firmly in the buffet line that’s just another teaching that doesn’t have to go on your plate.
Even if the church were exactly as some envision it I’d much rather have a person around, glean what good I can from them, and give them space to progress than the alternative of creating an environment where they don’t feel welcome because they weren’t perfectly following the vision. If there’s a ban on the cafeteria approach and it’s also all or nothing everyone might as well throw in the towel.
Welcome, I’m glad you found us. This might sound odd to a more orthodox/believing member but the feeling the Spirit seems somewhat subjective. I have had times where I believed I felt the Spirit a lot and times when I don’t think I felt it at all for very long periods of time (months, perhaps years). I think the more orthodox would not believe (or don’t want to believe) that these times seem to have little relation to what I’m doing or not doing. In other words I don’t think feeling what I believe to be the Spirit has much to do with whether I am living righteously or not, and I seem to feel it outside church more than at church (speaking of the physical location). Can I feel it when I read scripture or pray? Sure, and I do (but not always). But I also feel it at random times when those things are the furthest from my mind.
I like what Nibbler said – the church really is not an all or nothing proposition, and the church is not what’s really important all. At most the church is a vehicle or help in reaching spiritual goals, it is not the goal itself. I believe individual spirituality depends much more on the gospel itself than on the church.
I have a few questions first — what is your husband’s expectations of you as a spouse in the church? For example, would he be upset if you explained your feelings? What impact might it have on your marriage? This is probably the most important consideration when making a decision about whether to be “authentic” about your feelings toward the church. You’ve made a few choices now, and the church is now involved in your life experience. I think the answer to the question I posed above is a good start in helping you develop a strategy that create the best outcome for your personal happiness, your marriage, and your relationship with others….
Hi ihcake. Thanks for sharing your stories. I understand your feelings. Sometimes I’m not sure I want to be mormon anymore either…and other times, I am amazed at the love and service and great people I associate with. Sometimes I find beautiful teachings and things that inspire me to be better.
I think as we grow older, we go through a lot of that…wondering what we want to be…and finding that all things have good and bad.
You’ve heard the saying…don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Go slow with your journey and peel the onion layers at a time deciding what it is exactly you want.
If you follow your heart, there is no wrong answer.
ihcake, welcome to the group. Your situation sounds familiar to many of us here. You said that you are “liberal” in your views. Being a conservative republican is not a requirement to join the LDS church.
You may feel like you’re on the outside looking in but, the good news is, you’re not alone. There are a lot of us on this board.
Are there things or activities within the Church that you do feel comfortable with? You mentioned that going to the Temple was
a good experience? Are there any others?
Don’t throw in the towel yet. That means Don’t quit the church yet. Give it some time.
Stay here a while. Try some new things. Talk to others about your feelings. (Only close personal friends)
Then, make a decision.
I wish you the best.
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