My Journey

My early life was without much religious direction. I was certainly taught to be honest, kind, hard working and to genuinely care about others but without a formal religious framework. We did offer a cursory prayer over some meals as a family. Never any talk of God as playing a central role in my life. 1 brother, 1 sister, grew up in Idaho

One set of grandparents were very spiritual Church attenders–not LDS. Die-hard social liberals but teetotalers and avoided tobacco, gambling, swearing… At the same time, they were very accepting of those around them with widely dissident views.

I was a quiet child, self confident on the outside but on the inside I did suffer as an adolescent lacking much self-esteem. I did not have a lot of friends to speak of. This did change to a degree as in high school.

I recall that I inherently had a strong dislike for alcohol and tobacco. Alcohol was freely consumed socially by adults around me as a child, sometimes to a level of excess and irresponsibility. I learned to avoid those who were most under the influence at social gatherings. To this day I hate the smell of alcohol on someone’s breath. Having said this, it never led to my mistreatment or abuse. I was scared to death of drugs and I recall an early appeal (8-10yo) to God in a prayer to help me never fall into the trap of drugs.

I did have a continued yearning for spirituality and morality. Even without much formal instruction, my sense of right and wrong dictated the importance of waiting for sex until marriage and the avoidance of alcohol, tobacco, and drugs.

At the same time, even though I did have these churnings within me, I don’t know that I really valued religion or a formal church connection. Why would you want to go to Church when you could watch football or play baseball??

As I went into HS, I began to have more friends but right along with this they began to change. My friends were starting to be more inclined to party, drink, thinking about drug use. Although, I did try alcohol a few times, I never felt good doing it or about myself after the fact, never any drugs.

About this time came my initial introduction to Mormonism. Girlfriend, other friends, good examples most of the time.

I was interested in another path than that being taken by my non-LDS friends. Never had yet occurred to me that I would ever be a Mormon. If fact I really still did not know what one was.

I was eventually invited and attended a few times and there were talks that spoke to my moral code and resonated with who I wanted to be. I was welcomed by a multitude of people in the Church. I had never felt that degree of acceptance, love, fitting in. Eventually got a BoM and met with Elders. I don’t honestly remember details other than being asked if I agreed with some things and if I would be willing to follow certain commandments and be baptized. At that point, I really found no conflicts in the Law of Chastity, WoW… and so I said yes.

When I discussed this with my parents, there was some resistance, but not a lot. One of my friends warned me about the Mormons and that they had seen a video (Godmakers) at church…I really just ignored this as by that point, I was feeling really good at Church and it hit home for me. It gave me reason to follow a moral code, not to go down the path that seemed wrong to me intuitively. I had this huge group of people who seemed so genuinely excited and happy for me.

During this period, I was asked to read the BoM and determine if it was true. My method was to follow as the Elders had asked and I did ask God in faith. I remember one night I felt good and I recall warmness within me. I took this as an adequate witness to proceed with baptism.

I do not think this was an I KNOW moment. I had a lot of momentum headed in the baptism direction and I saw no reason to slow down, but a deep witness I did lack. I certainly got no divine brake light either.

In reality the Church was a huge social promotion to me. All of these people young and old thought I was great. I had NEVER had that before and I probably got too absorbed in the feeling that gave me.

I then for the most part was on a roll. I followed at most times with exactness, a few minor slip-ups.

College decision time was coming and I chose BYU. I recall that at one point after I was baptized and prior to going on a mission I had the feeling that I needed to know if this was all true, really know, not think or feel. Everyone else talked about KNOWING and I wanted that. I remember saying to myself that when I went to the temple; I would stay in there until I was certain. I don’t know why, but that plan never came to fruition.

Freshman year, dorms, this is really where the mission thinking went into high gear. Peers all so jazzed about the mission. I went to General conference with a bunch of them and remember just being on fire.

Tough on my family to get the news of going on a mission, but they were ultimately supportive.

I got my mission call to Brazil. Worked like a dog. I did have a desire to baptize and teach families and not small children. I did get wrapped up in the numbers at times, but I really felt that focusing on families, you could really affect a change in the world and with kids it was very hard for them to stay active. I recall asking president what would happen to those who went inactive and he said that it would have been better for them to never have been baptized or something to that effect. This troubled me–was I actually doing harm?

In my second area I recall seeing some anti-Mormon pamphlets and masons/temples and some other things. This shook me hard. It was my first real exposure to anything anti-Mormon. I had been taught that this was straight from Satan, but in my heart I had the ugliest feeling. Could that be true? Was I out on a mission on false premises??? NO, I could never make that type of mistake. Eventually I shelved these doubts. I don’t recall when I really learned about the priesthood ban-sometime after baptism and before mission, but it was kind of deemphasized and I was told it was not like that any more. I had not read any of the inflammatory remarks on race made by early church leaders. This deeply troubled me and has continued to grow as a canker over the years. Nonetheless this was also shelved.

I came home feeling a success. To this day, I know the mission experience made me a better man. I became fluent in Portugeuse , saw the world from a different cultural perspective, tried new food and met really good truly humble followers of Christ and his teachings.

Back to BYU. I was as orthodox and orthoprax as any recently returned clean shaven, early to rise, scripture toting, EQP, returned missionary. Found, courted and married my wife. I was pretty narrow minded in my approach to the wedding in regards to the exclusion of my family. Basically I said this is the way it is going to be take it or leave it. Very self-centered from my current perspective.

3 more years at BYU, no kids, TBM. D and C class made me wonder why 1838 was such a tough year. I investigated some, but these doubts were shelved.

Polygamy also rose to my mind, never a huge issue as I felt more distanced by time I think, but I was led to believe JS was not part of this at all.

Called as seminary teacher, 1st child born. I was traveling a lot for work. I was not so early to rise and I did not like seminary. I did not relate to HS students as I felt they were uncommitted and lazy. I did not feel I connected and teaching the BoM was hard for me. That only lasted a half a year before I asked to be released from the assignment. That haunted me for years because I felt it was my weakness and laziness that made me not want to do it. I felt I had committed the egregious error of saying no to a calling from God. I now see this as one of my testimony cracks starting.

As I continued my education, my wife was called as RS president and I became resentful of her time away from home.

Evidence contrary to my paradigm was mounting as I learned more about church history (Mountain Meadows), the setting of the BoM (Americas???, historical inconsistency), priesthood ban, Adam-God

This was a clash of growing intellect and trying to be humble and obedient spirit. I kind of got a pass on any serious expectations as far as church callings during these years due to my hectic schedule. I had doubts that were growing and resurfacing but the time and energy to deal with them was not there. Hardest years of my life die to work demands. Absolutely exhausted most of the time. I know I was clinically depressed for at least a couple of years. Held to the church as a warm welcoming community in contrast to the harsh world in which I existed otherwise. The church and my family were the only peace I knew.

Over time, I became less enthusiastic about the temple. Was monotonous. I did feel an escape from the world, which was nice, but it always had seemed sort of weird to me and even after these any years that has not faded.

Over the last several years, work has calmed, but my spiritual journey has spiraled down. Guilt for not fulfilling callings to other’s expectations vs. feeling justified in avoiding meetings that were a waste of time so I could be with my family. The party line church story vs. reality as told by more forthright modern Mormon historians. Trying to grasp at my testimony of the BoM, but the more I read the more errors and inconsistencies I see. I want to throw it across the room when I read about the skin of blackness. Buying books, more books looking for solace and peace. There is none-they all raise more questions. Looking somewhere for someone who might understand. To stay in the status quo is no longer feasible.

This punctuated by moments of great joy within the church. I love what it provided for my children, now 3, oldest 13.

I slowly began to express my concern, doubts and resistance to Church to my TBM wife. This blind-sided her, but she is loving and supportive 90%.

I built my life on this church and it veracity. If there are parts that are not true, then what does that mean? The domino effect. The church’s emphasis on it is either all true or all a fraud. Well I am confident it is not all true and if this is the case then what does that mean. It is FALSE???? How could that be? There are so many wonderful people and so much good. It has done so much good for me. I have built my family on it. It gives me a moral code and one to teach my family. AHHHH!! What do I believe? What do I think? My head is going to explode.

I just want to base my life on truth and I must live my life based on reality–not how I wish things were.

In looking back now, I was a primarily a convert to the Church, not to God or Jesus Christ. As my doubts and questions grew and parts of the perfect Church I had built in my mind began to crumble, it all came tumbling down. Now I am not sure of ANYTHING. I was and am at a loss of what to do and where to go. As I try to pick up pieces, I look for some sympathetic ears.

Now, for my current doubts/concerns:

Priesthood:

The Priesthood ban is the most salient issue that bothers me almost constantly. My conscience and intellect absolutely reject the idea that God, our loving Father would exclude a huge swath of humanity from the priesthood and temple blessings—ever—for any length of time. I really don’t buy the concept that it will all work out in eternity because this policy will have soured the large majority of an entire race of humanity against anything true and beautiful that might be found within the Church. I have tried and retried to justify or find some explanation in my mind, but all come up short. Making it worse are the terrible racist commentary and justification by Brigham Young, Bruce R McConkie, and others. I really feel the whole thing was just a terrible and tragic racist mistake. If so, then what else is a mistake? Elder McConkie said after the ban had been lifted to forget anything he or B. Young had ever said about the ban as they were working with limited light and knowledge. But if living prophets can make mistakes that exclude entire races from the blessings of eternity, I find this to be a HUGE problem emotionally, ethically, and intellectually. How are we to know when they are working with partial light versus full inspiration today?

LGBT:

I have relatives that are homosexual. Science and the Church would admit that homosexual attraction is not a matter of choice. For something so central to one’s identity as sexual orientation, I have a hard time imagining a Loving Heavenly Father that would place that kind of burden on one of his children, by instilling in them the homosexual identity, but then requiring celibacy. Are they to be deprived of the joy of family that is the greatest blessing of my life? How could God do that to one of his kids? Again there have been terribly derogatory and inflammatory statements and theories made by prophets in the past that sound strangely similar to those made about the priesthood ban. I’ll admit, that when I heard of these relatives being homosexual, I was disturbed and felt it was wrong, but the more I have pondered, I really wonder if the God we believe in would be so cruel. I think the Church is setting itself up for another humiliating PR/human rights fiasco by retrenching on this issue continually. There is still much homophobia within the church and how sad that we as a Church culture ostracize these people who by no choice of their own carry this burden. I do appreciate the Church’s somewhat softening stand on the issue with emphasis on love and tolerance, but if you tell someone, “I love you, but I think you behavior in regards to sexuality is nearly as sinful as murder,” I think they find it hard to feel loved.

Temple:

I have found profound peace in the Temple at times mostly with baptisms and initiatories. I have always had a hard time being inspired by the endowment. I have had growing concerns after learning of the major changes that have occurred to the endowment ordinance through history and its relationship to Free Masonry. I wonder if something so arbitrary would be considered by God to be essential for salvation.

Polygamy

I do accept that prophets are men and can make mistakes. But why didn’t I know Joseph was a polygamist? How could this have been brushed under the rug for so long? I maybe can accept that he was directed to do this but I am more apt to believe this was where he really got carried away under his own mantle. Another disturbing aspect is the lack of clarity in regards to where we stand now. We are still polygamists by temple standards (A man can be sealed to multiple spouses if one passes away). Also the OD 1, really does not denounce polygamy, but merely says that based on our situation, it is better that we abandon the practice. Was it a big mistake? If so, wow, the implications. If not, what does Section 132 mean for us today? Very confusing and unclear.

Meetings:

I get very frustrated by the church bureaucracy at times. Leaders opinions/preferences being laid out as policy. Meetings taking up inordinate amounts of time with minimal accomplishment, while as a Church body, we sometimes neglect those people and causes who could truly profit from our time and dedication.

Scriptures:

I am not much of a scriptural literalist. I really wonder if Jonah was swallowed by a whale, if Moses really parted the Red sea. . .The Bible passed through so many conduits and hands that I am more apt to think of these as stories with a moral gem to be learned. Similarly, the New Testament is a collection of letters and testimonials. It was not written with the intent that it would be scripture, but rather as persuasive literature. Don’t get me wrong. I find the New Testament inspiring and among the scriptures, I would say I enjoy its pages the most. I have mixed feeling about the BoM. There are some gems, but I have serious doubts about the historical narrative and as mentioned cringe when the “skin of blackness” is mentioned.

One true Church:

I do not believe we have a monopoly on the truth. It drives me mad when I hear people talk about “other churches” and how enlightened we are in comparison. I am apt to think we are a bunch or mortals trying our best to figure things out (Prophets and Apostles included) who form a good church among many other good churches. We may have a few unique glimpses at The Divine and eternity which form some of the most attractive aspects of Mormon doctrine (Possibility of salvation for all, Eternal families…).

Whitewashing history:

I am appreciative of the gospel topics essays, but how late in the game. How terribly damaging this delay has been to me and I imagine countless others. The feeling of having the rug pulled out from under you. The disillusionment, the feeling of betrayal.

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Thoughts of finding another path have entered my mind. I struggle frequently to know how to think, what to do, who to talk to and how to act. I have been angry with God, doubted his existence, pleaded with him, and at times felt assured of some higher power.

In the end, I find it very hard to stay, but I think I would find it exceedingly and excruciatingly hard to leave. I don’t know where I would go. I don’t know where I would lead my family. I am currently trying to commit to make this work for my family and I. It has been and is an exhausting mental and spiritual journey.

One of my greatest concerns is how to deal with these issues with my children. I feel compelled to be open and honest with them while not harming their fledgling faith and doing my best to help them build a strong moral foundation. I could not bear seeing them travel the road I am traveling because I did not warn them of the thorns on the path. With the internet and social media, I am confident they will be exposed to all of the controversy to which I have been exposed. What is my role in warning them and/or preparing them for this storm that lies ahead?