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Well folks, I’ve been kind of hanging on for the past few years, but I think this might be the death blow to my relationship with the Church. I guess it might be easiest to make a list of the events: 1-around fourteen years old I discover I’m gay
2-at sixteen, I read the BoM and am converted (previously inactive)
3-decide to go on mission
4-come back from mission, knowing that I would have to do something about my feelings
5-enter into Church sponsored treatment for same-sex attraction (for the next 14 years)
6-at 33, recognize the treatment isn’t working, see the writing on the wall that my association with the church is doomed, but with the help of a loving bishop, decide to stick with it
7-after years of loneliness, mixed messages from the Church, and discovery of tough sociological and historical facts about the Church, begin to distance myself
8-become suicidal–wakeup call RE my situation with the Church and my mental health
9-finally accept myself as gay, begin to feel much better about myself
10-realize that the Church will only take me if I change my sexual orientation (not possible), enter into a mixed-orientation marriage, or choose to be single, separate, and alone for the remainder of my days
11-stop going to Church, but continue to watch Conference and read news of the Church’s activities
This is where things are right now. I’m still following the behavioral norms (no coffee, booze, LoC violations), but my heart feels irreconcilable with the Church and the direction it’s taking. After the awful news conference earlier this year, several Conference talks, and now this new policy change RE SSM and the children of gay couples, I can see that tragically, the Church and I cannot be reconciled without me making some serious and debilitating personal choices. As much as I love my heritage, and all my family and friends who are Mormon, I just…can’t continue holding out hope that there will be a place for me. The “We love you, but”s are getting loud and clear. It’s like a metaphor I read the other day–we’re invited to Thanksgiving dinner, but we have to sit in the garage to eat, while everyone else is inside, nice and warm, at the adult’s table.
I’m not going to resign my membership. I may attend Sacrament a few times a year. But if I decide to start dating and maybe have a family, I’ll be excommunicated.
😥 I am so sorry you have had to deal with this throughout your life, Turinturambar – it truly saddens me, and I wish I could hasten change and acceptance. Knowing of the conference talks and most recently hearing about the policy change on children of gay couples leave me scratching my head over what they are trying to accomplish. It certainly is not love or compassion in my experience. Big hugs of comfort to you!!
My heart bleeds for you Turinturambar. Words cannot express my sorrow. Peace, my brother. I take it by church you mean the people at the top leadership positions. Unfortunately it looks like you may be correct BUT I’m a part of the church and I want you. I think it goes beyond a simple want. I need you to be a part of my church. I’ll change my church to make sure it includes you. I don’t know what to say but I can say that I love you brother. Hugs.
Turinturambar, Let me first say that I love you. Period. No qualification. And it’s not just the “love one another” thing. I have learned so much from you right here at StayLDS. You and I have both suffered for different reasons and felt the despair and depression that accompanies, though in different ways and at different depths. Because of that, I feel a certain kinship to you. Although I will never know what it is like for you, you have given me the courage to hone my views and to be unafraid to express them. When a member of my ward in October expressed in Sunday School that Prop 8 was a test of faith in following the prophet, I raised my hand and talked about the good people I have known who are homosexual and that accepting them and showing love has made me more at peace. There was a lot of nodding and a lot of ‘thank-you’s after the meeting. I don’t know if I would have come to this point, but for you.
Today is a tough day, no question. I want you to know that you have my blessing if you decide to leave the Church and find better ground. I can’t blame you. I have to admit that I had the same thought when I read the news. Can I stay with this Church? I don’t know if I can. If it makes sense for you to stay, then stay. If it makes sense for you to leave, then leave. But either way, I hope you find your own relationship with spirituality that doesn’t have to look through the LDS monocle.
There is a lot of good in the Church and a lot of good people. For me, I feel like I can operate because homosexuality is not personal… so it’s completely different for me than it is for you. I strive to change views and I think I’m making progress in my tiny sphere. In a larger sense, I think the Church’s declarations the feelings of the general membership are distancing themselves from each other. I look for a day when the Titanic will turn. Right now it seems like the Captain has given the full steam ahead order. What I hope for is that as younger people take the night watch, they will have better eyes and see the iceberg in time to change history.
Whatever you decide to do, may God be with you, and may you find peace. Thank you for your involvement here and for the insights you provide to us.
turinturambar wrote:
9 – finally accept myself as gay, begin to feel much better about myselfturinturambar, I want you to know that in accepting yourself you’ve helped others be accepting. I quickly came to see how, “Yes, but…” falls flat on its face. I did what I could to right a wrong in my family and my children now have the joy of reclaimed cousins and connections. But the older ones of us made
terriblemistakes, and I believe the older ones of the Church just made another one. I don’t know what to say or do. I hope the best for you and every happiness you desire. My heart goes out to you. May you find peace and love. I wish you the best and in no way can argue with your decision. Sending virtual hugs your way. I hope you find a path that is full of happiness and meaning. Turn- I felt emotion as I read your post, and my eyes are kind of welling up as a write. I want to say this — regardless of what happens in the future — I hope you will always post here. I’ve thought of you often over the last while you’ve been away, and this is a place where you can feel accepted regardless of the decisions you have to make. I will say this — part of my faith transition was to REALLY BElieve that happiness is the object and design of our whole existence, and to me, the church is a servant to that principle. That principle, defining happiness as something wholesome, is the starting point for my relationship with the church when the church makes decisions or policies. And it means, at times, choosing my own happiness over the rules the church has.
Take care — I wish I could change this situation. I really do.
Hugs, my friend. I know I am about to ask something that isn’t easy, but please talk with your former Bishop (in the SP or on the HC now?) about this. He is a good man, as you know, and, even if he can’t do anything about it right now, he needs to hear and understand. Use my name, if it helps. He knows I know about your situation.
Wow! I am so sorry. I applaude you for sticking it out and trying to find the good in your culture/heritage even under the tough circumstances. That speaks volumes to your character. I completlely understand this being the last straw for you if that is what it is. IF God made you gay, I wholeheartedly believe that he has to deal with the ramifications of that action and in fact, I think he does—He loves you just as much as me or anyone else on Earth. Our society as a whole and LDS in particular has just not come to complete terms with this yet. Asking you to be alone, marry contrary to your identity . . . is BS IMHO and is contrived by imperfect humans. My only advice would be if you leave, to hold on to what you know to be good. There are many teachings in the Church that have made me a better person and that is what I am currently trying to hold on to. (WoW, love, service to others, loving my family members).
Those parts you cherish can still help you live a Christ like fulfilling life 100% regardless of you sexual orientation.
Quote:Turinturamber wrote: “The “We love you, but”s are getting loud and clear. It’s like a metaphor I read the other day–we’re invited to Thanksgiving dinner, but we have to sit in the garage to eat, while everyone else is inside, nice and warm, at the adult’s table.”
Nope. No Buts. Just love. At our table, you will be seated at the adult table. You might have to sit next to my brother Ted who still thinks it’s funny to say, “Pull my finger”, and I would put you to work in the kitchen just like every other able bodied adult, but your sexuality wouldn’t even be an issue .. Now, your favorite football team .. THAT might be a serious problem.
I am sorry that you have had such misery. My heart aches to hear it. Bless you for your patience and long suffering.
“They know not what they do”.
amateurparent wrote:“They know not what they do”.
Wow – thanks for showing love even to those we feel are making the offense.I am going to ditto what “nibbler” said. I want you in the church, too. I was very disappointed in the recent change to the bishop’s handbook. While I did not think the church would perform gay marriages, I did not think they would do this (and to their children)!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I love you and I know Heavenly Father loves you. Despite what the church leaders have done, please try to remember that the Gospel is true. I am going through a period now where I love and believe the Gospel, but dislike the church. Try to separate the two.
We are here for you!
I too am sorry for everything you are experiencing. I loved this post by Christian Harrison: http://bycommonconsent.com/2015/11/06/yet-i-have-hope/
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