Hello

I’m 36 years old, married with 4 kids (and one on the way!), born and raised in the Church. My experience in the Church has mostly been positive. Served a mission and married in the Temple. Over the last year I experienced a faith crisis. It has been tough but I have come to terms with it and wish to remain active in the Church.

I have always enjoyed science and watching scientific documentaries. I especially like documentaries about the universe (like Carl Sagan’s “Cosmos”). While watching shows like this it would cause me to doubt and question religion. Another thing that caused me to question things was taking a world religions class in college. I questioned why God wouldn’t reveal his “true Church” to more people. Why wouldn’t someone else’s journey in another religion be just as valid and fulfilling as mine? What if another faith was “true” and I had it wrong? What if all religion was created by man? I never let these thoughts bother me too much and I continued to be active and believe in the Church.

One of my four brothers is gay. We always got along fine growing up but the subject never got brought up. He went on a mission and stayed out about 6 months before he came home. This was very stressful for our family and especially my Mom. He eventually left the Church and now lives with his partner. He still gets together with the family every other year or so but never with his partner.

One day I came across a video on Youtube. It was John Dehlin’s TedX talk “The Ally Within” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MxCXjfAunk

This had a profound effect on me. It also led me to Mormon Stories where I listened to many of the podcasts. This led to a discovery of many concerning things about the history of the Church. I read the CES letter and other critical analysis of the Church. I began to get angry and saw a future where I could possibly leave the Church. My wife knew nothing about this. I also felt a desire to reach out to my brother. I called him and let him know that I didn’t believe anything was wrong with him because of his sexual orientation. It was a wonderful conversation where I felt the “Spirit” as strong as I have ever had in my life. It was very hard but eventually I had to talk to my wife about my faith crisis. She was completely shocked and devastated. I credit her for not insisting that I go talk to the bishop about it (which I still haven’t and don’t plan on doing). Over the next few weeks we had many discussions that usually ended up with one or both of us in tears. She continually would talk about how Satan was influencing me. The same thought gets portrayed in many talks and quotes in the Church. This really bothered me. How could Satan have been behind me reaching out to my brother and having such a beautiful experience?

My wife’s brother is in a Stake Presidency nearby and she wanted me to talk to him. I was hesitant but decided that it would be ok. I knew from previous family gatherings that he was very thoughtful and open minded. When I told him that I had been experiencing some doubts his first reaction was “join the club”. He then said you would have to be crazy to not have these issues bother you. I immediately felt a burden lifted from me and saw a future for me in the Church. We then had a wonderful discussion on what the gospel means to him, all the positive aspects, and the need to separate the Gospel from the Church. He mentioned nothing of Satan deceiving me, that I was weak in my testimony, or that I was wrong in having these feelings.

Since this time (6 months ago) I have been on a positive path with the Church. I have visited this site many times and appreciate the positive approach. The concerns and doubts are still there but I’m learning how to deal with them and look at things in a different way.

My big obstacle now is that I have just been called as the Elders Quorum President in our ward. Because I haven’t talked to anyone in the ward about my journey, this is one of the risks that I faced. I was extremely anxious about this at first but after a lot of thought and pondering on the subject I feel at peace with it.

This may sound weird but I want to end with why I’m grateful I had a faith crisis. I feel non-judgmental about everyone I come into contact with. I am open to opposing ideas and perspectives and the possibility that mine can change. I feel more genuine in my desire to help others and the love I have for my wife and kids. I feel less guilt and shame in my life. I don’t worry about what is out of my control and focus on what I can control.

I look forward to support and advice from those on this site and the opportunity to serve and perhaps help someone going through a similar trial as me.