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Hi there. I haven’t posted here much. I did an introduction a little while back. I know many of you don’t really know me much, but I’d appreciate any feedback you can give me. I am a very non-literal believer. I am probably borderline agnostic, but I really do love going to church. I have been like this for about 10 years now. Through most of this my wife has been a very TBM believer. But much of that time she resented many of the things the church ‘made’ her do. Well about a year or so ago, she learned what she now describes as the ‘truth’ about the church. By that I mean many of the messy details of church history. She has read many of the essays the church has put out. She has learned about polyandry and sear stones and polygamy etc… For the last year she has trudged with me to church, and it was really eating her up. We have been going to counseling, and that has been helpful.
Finally, about two weeks ago she got to the point where she told me she just needs to take a break from church. Based on all the counseling we were going to I was comfortable hearing that, and understanding the decision she was making. So now I take our five kids to church by myself. The first couple of times I did this I was very resentful towards her. She was the one that pushed to have a quiver full of children, and now she wasn’t even coming to help me take care of them at sacrament meeting. That was how I viewed it at the beggining. Now, I am much more comfortable with it, and have been able to let go of that resentment. She did come to SM the last two Sundays because of a musical number we did together, and then yesterday, I sang in SM. But after this she plans on not coming back. (It doesn’t help that we are going to the 8:00 AM block in January, she isn’t a morning person).
Yesterday evening, she told me that it is really hard to watch us all go off to church without her. She told me that she feels tremendously guilty for not helping me with the kids at Sacrament Meeting. She knows of my non-literal belief, and I feel like she tries to use that to guilt me into not going to church anymore. She’ll tell me that she thinks I am just lying to myself about church, that I am just pretending, that I just fake it for everyone else. It is difficult for me to hear her say that. I have been very supportive of her decision to stop coming to church, but in turn, she isn’t supportive of me in attending church.
Keep talking openly, honestly, and, above all else, lovingly. Keep telling her that you go because you love going, not because you believe everything that is taught – but that you love her, also.
Tell her you don’t believe she is guilty of anything and that you will love her whether she goes to church with you or not.
Make sure you work on meaning all of that and showing her you mean it each day.
Old-Timer wrote:Make sure you work on meaning all of that and showing her you mean it each day.
I do this 95% of the time. I really do mean it, and I am sincere. Then the 5% of the time happens and undoes all the progress from the 95% of the time.
I feel like we do A LOT of two steps forward followed by 1.9 steps back. In general the trend is in the positive direction though.
It really sounds like you are doing your best, and very compassionate and thoughtful in everything you do. You’re trying to be a father, husband, good person…and struggle with all your own doubts and agnosticism. It is a lot to shoulder…and also to continue to be compassionate and understanding for what your dear wife is going through also.
It is hard for any of us to tell you what is right…because you probably already know the answers and doing the best you can, and tried anything we could offer.
But…having gone through my own struggles…I want to offer support to you and tell you that you can get through this. While you may still have the 5% opportunity to try to improve some things and how you handle it…it is very very important, no matter what you choose and how you handle it…that you don’t lose sight of the 95% you are already doing and know that you are doing damn good.
Stay balanced in your thoughts. Reassure and communicate and love as best you can…and at some point…let the chips fall where they may after all you can do. You need to follow your heart on doing what is best for your family, and believe you have more to learn but that you are truly trying so you must feel some relief from constantly feeling you need to do better. You are OK the way you are. All you can do is make your best efforts and do what you can for your wife and your kids and yourself. Balance it all, take turns, prioritize, stay peaceful and loving, and allow yourself to feel the way you do.
I think you can choose to set boundaries and expectations that your way (others may call it faking, but it doesn’t feel that way to you) is valid and good and admirable. You have faith to look for good, even if you are not literal in your faith. Focus on doing good and being part of good things. The results should help you know if you are on a good path.
If you continue to be loving and supportive, that is all you can do, and then you will need to allow your dear wife to go through her journey and her challenges too, and support her and help her.
If you want specific details and talk more specific about how to handle some things you aren’t comfortable posting on this board…please feel free to PM me. I am happy to write PM’s and talk privately.
But I want you to feel supported…do what you feel in your heart is right, and stay humble, and it will work out. Even if others don’t see your heart and agree…you need to believe God sees your heart and is OK with how you do things, because he accepts your best offering, whatever that best is for you.
PM if you want to talk privately. Hang in there.
Ray said it all, but I can see why it will be taxing and wish you the best. These marital mismatches really make us all dig deep, but some good has come of it for me. And I hope it will for you, too. My only thought is: is there something else your wife could do in
preparationto help Sunday go more smoothly for you? Or, are there other enjoyable-for-you-all Sunday activities separate from church that she could take more responsibility for? Quote:In general the trend is in the positive direction though.
:thumbup: Seriously, that is about all that we can expect and for which we can hope in life. Ironically, our theology of eternal progression, no matter the pace, can be a comfort – if we don’t get caught up in the “be perfect now” mentality that is deeply cultural in too many areas.
For us the shoe was on the other foot, I wasn’t going and she would take the kids but she was (and is) also believing. There certainly was resentment on her part when I stopped going but she got over it after awhile. I never tried to guilt her or the children into not going. Frankly I came to enjoy the time by myself at home. For us I think what got us through was knowing that we still love each other regardless of our church circumstances. I’m not going to pretend our marriage was not and is not stressed by my belief status, but I think if there wasn’t real love and communication we might have split. Everyone, thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. It really helps. Tremendously. I was thinking about this and I wondered if it couldn’t be turned into a positive. Your spouse will have 3 hours of quiet time on Sunday. Is it possible that she can relax and recharge for the first portion, and then get in some housework or prepare a meal for the second portion. That might sound a little (ok, maybe a lot) sexist but… if your wife is primarily responsible for these things then it might be really cool to come home to a clean house or a nice lunch on the table. Roy wrote:Is it possible that she can relax and recharge for the first portion, and then get in some housework or prepare a meal for the second portion.
This is my secret wish every time I watch the garage door go down as she waves goodbye to us… and it never happens. I have thought of mentioning it, then I think, “ya, that would probably be the stupidest thing I could say right now”
😆 So I don’t. (No offense, it just would not be a good thing to suggest)My wife is a crazy busy lady. She is a stay at home mom with five kids. To be completely honest, I would rather have a root canal every week than do her job. She actually spends the time we are gone playing first-person-shooters on the Wii-U. My wife is pretty awesome.
azguy wrote:My wife is a crazy busy lady. She is a stay at home mom with five kids. To be completely honest, I would rather have a root canal every week than do her job. She actually spends the time we are gone playing first-person-shooters on the Wii-U. My wife is pretty awesome.
In that case, maybe she needs the 3 hour break just to stay sane.
:crazy: My DW will let me know that she needs a break and will head off to the movie theater. She does not want me to come with her. This is her quality alone time.
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