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So as I’ve posted in past posts, I have been a ‘Molly Mormon’ my whole life. I’ve never doubted the church or the gospel once and have always been as you say, a TBM. But now that i’m seriously having doubts, I really want to be able to talk to family about it so I can get input from them. My mother especially because she is my best friend, right below my husband. She is seriously the sweetest person I’ve ever met and we talk about everything. So now that i’m doubting, idk how to tell her. You see, she’s a general ‘worry-wart’ (as she calls herself) and has anxiety, which is under control but she stills worries about everyone because she cares so deeply. So I don’t want her to worry about me leaving the church or something, because I don’t think I will, but I will most likely not be the typical Mormon at least for a while. I also know that eventually I will tell her because I have failed many times at keeping my struggles to myself when it comes to people that I tell everything to and feel comfortable with, like my mom. So have any of you told people close to you? How did you tell them and how did they react? I feel like I should plan how to say it, because otherwise, knowing me, it will just come out sometime when we’re having some other deep conversation and I don’t want it to happen that way because it may come out wrong. I know I don’t have to tell her, but I really want to so that I can have someone other than my husband (and all of you) to confide in about my struggles. So any advice on telling people you’re close to when it will completely shock them? First I would seriously weigh the costs and benefits of telling people locally about your doubts. You will lose many priviledges. Differences over church can destroy family relationships as well. U have already listed one cost…the anxiety to hour mother. But if u really think the benefits of disclosure outweigh the costs, then my advice is to release your opinions or doubts as questions and do so over a long period of time in bits. This will help u see family reactions and further judge the costs of openness. U may change your mind as you go about it and see the costs associated with your release of tidbit doubts.
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As my FC progressed, I had conversations with relatives as religious topics came up in casual conversation. First with relatives who had left the Church. I think I practiced on them. When I was visiting my parents a few months ago, my mom noticed my laundry and asked why I wasn’t wearing garments. I told her I was struggling with the church — not with God — but with the Church. She gave me “the prosperity lectures”. That financial success brings about spiritual evil .. That I needed to be really careful about the adversary’s influence in my life.
Sigh.
She couldn’t separate God from the Church. They are the same for her.
I realized it is better to just show up and be a dutiful and good daughter, and not talk about faith or religion at all.
I have not shared much. I did mention to my ward that I “had” (as in past tense) but have kept it to myself – for now. I think many in my ward think I am a TBM. I have not even leveled at all with my wife as things are not going good in general. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
amateurparent wrote:When I was visiting my parents a few months ago, my mom noticed my laundry and asked why I wasn’t wearing garments. I told her I was struggling with the church — not with God — but with the Church.
This is important — I found that when leadership behavior broke the Church-God connection for me, that was when my disaffection started.
Quote:I realized it is better to just show up and be a dutiful and good daughter, and not talk about faith or religion at all.
Yes — it is REALLY upsetting to family members who see you as LOST. Better to learn how to schmooze the situation so you can keep your inner peace, without opening the kimono to everyone (To quote Hawkgrrl)
My only advice is, Take it slow.
Once it’s out there.
You can’t take it back.
Minyan Man wrote:My only advice is,
Take it slow.
Once it’s out there.
You can’t take it back.
Agreed — except for the “you can’t take it back” part. I do think you CAN take it back, provided your actions aren’t so severe they are annotated on your membership record (like sexual sin, other discipline-oriented infractions). For all its faults, people LOVE miraculous turnaround stories. They love to hear about the less active, doubter, who fell off the wagon. And then, as a result of a dedicated HT/VT, had a spiritual experience and got back on the wagon. Some people even like to get up in Sacrament and confess their backsliding and affirm their turnaround.
But you still lose the trust of leaders, at least for a while, or until you move, or a lot of time passes and they trust you again.
Hi, Bugger. When I tried to keep it a secret, I fell into depression. The more open I am, the more free I feel. For now, though, I would worry about only you. Try to figure out what you believe or believe in before you start opening up to others.
The biggest issue with telling others, as I see it, is that it can be easy to fall into a trap of needing to explain, and because of that, we frame our interactions as a debate.
From an earlier thread:
On Own Now wrote:Your mileage may vary, depending on you and your circumstances, of course. I never talk about ‘why’. I’m not really interested in validation. I don’t need to justify my beliefs. There is something about faith crisis regarding the LDS faith that leaves the disaffected with an almost pathological need to explain themselves. I have felt that strong urge myself, but I have been able to steer around it. I just tell people that I no longer believe and then I move on to the here and now. That has helped because I don’t put people either on the defensive or into problem-solving mode. If I were to explain to someone about the BofA, for example, it would become a dispute with no resolution. Instead, I tell them I’m no longer a believer, but that I support them and their faith and I try to be a good person and I hope we can still have the same relationship as ever. When asked ‘why’ directly, I explain as politely as I can that I don’t want to talk about specifics and I move on.
I dreaded telling my children and my parents as the inevitable temple marriage date approached. Talk about a box getting smaller. I suffered from terrible depression. But when I finally sat down with each one of them I received only love from them; not condemnation.
Hi, On Own Now, I think your answer is closest to what will work for me. I tend to be a talker and like to connect with people. I think it’s definitely good advice to first figure out where exactly I am before bringing it up to anyone. Especially to my family, because you’re right, they’d want to find out why and then try and tell me where I was incorrect, which doesn’t help anything. I think it’d be better for me to be able to explore it alone (and with my husband) so that I don’t have too many people talking in my ear about what I should do. I also liked someone’s advice on this thread to pose my doubts more as questions instead of a confession. That seems like an easier way to feel out their reactions and then it won’t make it seem like a dire situation or something.
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My only additional advice at this point is to realize something basic that is easy to overlook, misunderstand and/or forget: People generally are good and want to help. Mormons generally are good, caring, and want to help. People generally only can offer help that works for them – and generally can’t understand that what helps them often doesn’t help others. Thus, people who generally are good and caring tend to assign blame of some kind and to some degree when others don’t accept their well-meaning advice and attempts to help.
It is human nature, and you even will see it here occasionally when some of us talk about more orthodox believers. It happens less here than other places simply because we have had to work through it in our own lives – but we all are at different points in the process.
Just understand that and try to remember that. It can help avoid contention, but it also helps build charity – and your growth is as important (more so, I believe) than how others might react.
Thanks, Ray. Very sound advice as well Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk
Old-Timer wrote:My only additional advice at this point is to realize something basic that is easy to overlook, misunderstand and/or forget:
People generally are good and want to help. Mormons generally are good, caring, and want to help. People generally only can offer help that works for them – and generally can’t understand that what helps them often doesn’t help others. Thus, people who generally are good and caring tend to assign blame of some kind and to some degree when others don’t accept their well-meaning advice and attempts to help.
This is why I think sharing your feelings on a timed release program is better than a major dump of your feelings. Sure, if bottling it up is really affecting you mentally, or in other distressing ways, then the benefits of sharing may outweigh the costs. But at this point, you may not be very sure what the costs are, so a slow-release of information is one way to expose them and assess them…
I learned through this method to not mention my contrarion ideas to my wife or my daughter. That way lies judgmentalism, sometimes chastisement, and certainly doesn’t help the relationships I have, and which I value. It helped me learn to find other ways of expressing my feelings — mostly here — as evidenced by over 3000 posts…I know you said doing it here isn’t good enough….so results may vary.
SD
SilentDawning wrote:Old-Timer wrote:My only additional advice at this point is to realize something basic that is easy to overlook, misunderstand and/or forget:
People generally are good and want to help. Mormons generally are good, caring, and want to help. People generally only can offer help that works for them – and generally can’t understand that what helps them often doesn’t help others. Thus, people who generally are good and caring tend to assign blame of some kind and to some degree when others don’t accept their well-meaning advice and attempts to help.
This is why I think sharing your feelings on a timed release program is better than a major dump of your feelings.Sure, if bottling it up is really affecting you mentally, or in other distressing ways, then the benefits of sharing may outweigh the costs. But at this point, you may not be very sure what the costs are, so a slow-release of information is one way to expose them and assess them… I learned through this method to not mention my contrarion ideas to my wife or my daughter. That way lies judgmentalism, sometimes chastisement, and certainly doesn’t help the relationships I have, and which I value. It helped me learn to find other ways of expressing my feelings — mostly here — as evidenced by over 3000 posts…I know you said doing it here isn’t good enough….so results may vary.
SD
The highlighted part is what I came to say. The “don’t dump” advice is very applicable here. If you do decide to share IMO it’s best to share only bits and pieces at a time. There are many stories on here from those of us who learned from sad experience that dumping all at once (or a lot at once) is detrimental to relationships.
How much you share would seem to depend on where you are in terms of your beliefs as well as the type of person that you are. This board is the only place where I have done any sharing. Frankly, I’m just not sure where I am in terms of my beliefs and so I don’t know that I have anything coherent to share. I’ve hinted at a couple of things to my wife but as far as the world is concerned, I’m pretty TBM. I’m not sure if I’m ready to shrug off that label anyway. But I’m not terribly social and so keeping things to myself is kind of par for the course for me. Gerald wrote:How much you share would seem to depend on where you are in terms of your beliefs as well as the type of person that you are. This board is the only place where I have done any sharing. Frankly, I’m just not sure where I am in terms of my beliefs and so I don’t know that I have anything coherent to share. I’ve hinted at a couple of things to my wife but as far as the world is concerned, I’m pretty TBM. I’m not sure if I’m ready to shrug off that label anyway. But I’m not terribly social and so keeping things to myself is kind of par for the course for me.
There is another consideration, who is your audience?
My home ward is located in a large midwestern town. I dated my wife in this ward & just turned 71.
We have a rainbow of believers in our ward. It is a long way from “Happy Valley”.
By profession, there are Journalists, College Professors, Factory Workers, Grad Students, Police Officers, Corporate Execs, Retirees, Medical Doctors, etc.
By race, there are Blacks, White, Hispanic, all others.
By Church experience, there are some whose family go back to JS. Most of us are adult converts. Some are former SP’s & SRP’s & all others.
It is a good mix of cultures, life experiences and common sense.
Maybe because I’m older, I have a tendency to speak my mind. It is done
verydiplomatically. I know who I can openly talk to & who I can’t.
It takes time & effort to find these people. It is worth the effort to find people you can connect with. Both in & out of the church.
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