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Whenever I come here I end up reading other posts and end up with little time to discuss my own issues. I’ll make this brief, I don’t feel close to anything anymore. Not my DW, not the members of my ward or stake, I don’t rely on prayer for anything. I’m sure when I go in to see my bishop he will do his best to convince me that I don’t feel anything because I don’t pray, read the scriptures and magnify my calling (the last two I do) but I feel that I don’t pray because I don’t feel anything. It’s getting more and more difficult to keep it up. I may have to move away to break it all off, I don’t know how else to regroup. Sorry, Kipper. I know you’ve been trying for a long time. I find that a big change…like moving somewhere else…can wipe the slate partially clean and start new and freshen things up which is nice at times. But I also know while that is good periodically (change jobs, change houses, change wards)…eventually things return to the same state if internally you aren’t finding peace within yourself.
I am not sure where you are at…so I’m not saying problems are with you.
I’m trying to just acknowledge what I think is reality in life that sometimes change is good…but running away from problems doesn’t solve it.
Life seems to have a way to keep us honest. We can’t escape the cause and effects of our choices and actions. I have learned that sometimes being stagnate only lasts for so long while you keep trying to do things, until you finally see you need a change or it is insanity to keep trying the same things and expecting different results.
I think if after lots of time, you still feel a certain way about something (not connected, church is not working for you…whatever)…then perhaps that is your heart telling you that something needs to change. You need to find your bliss in life.
I hope you can keep posting and share your thoughts. I hope you can feel some connection here and some support in some way.
Kipper, I reread your introduction. I think I will make my reply there & kick it back to the top. Kipper – You sound like you may be struggling with depression. Your bishop, bless his heart, is going to give you the textbook Mormon answer, but there comes a time for many of us where those answers don’t solve the problem. In fact, they ARE the problem.
One of the hardest things for me as I’ve worked through my faith issues is to not feel so much pressure and guilt. One day I started praying, and then I kinda started getting a little hostile towards God. After all, he KNOWS ALL THIS STUFF! He planned it all, RIGHT? So, I started taking him to task a bit. And, strange thing… it felt really good! So, I got my journal out and started the process of laying all my issues at God’s feet. Now, I try to write a letter to God every week – and these aren’t the unquestioning, submissive types of letters. They’re more of a wrestle with God. It wasn’t until after I had this experience that I was reading somewhere that mentioned that the word Israel means literally “struggle with God”.
Don’t beat yourself up – eternity is long and it’s okay to have stretches where you’re not feeling it. If praying isn’t working, then stop – and try again later.
Best of luck. Sorry, I should’ve read your entire story but I was too lazy. Hopefully something I said helps a little…
I feel like I can relate to some degree. All I can share is my own experience. There came a day when I realized I couldn’t make what other people told me work for me. I couldn’t “feel” what they were telling me I should feel (or maybe my interpretation of what they were telling me).
I realized I needed to find my own truth. I found it in goodness.
The funny thing is in time I realized I could talk about my own understanding of goodness in ways that others relate to. In their words “I let God reveal himself to me in the way that He could, the way that I understand.”
I don’t expect to see things in the way that I think others see. I allow myself to see the way that I do.
I hope you can discover your own goodness.
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