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Sorry for the long post in advance. We moved into our ward almost 7 years ago. At that time, neither my husband nor I were active. However, our previous bishop had kept tabs on us and transferred our records to the new ward the week we moved. About 6 months after moving in, we got a visit from some of the male members of the ward. I was home alone with our 18 month old and didn’t feel 100% comfortable with letting them in, so we stood and talked at the door and they said they would be back to check on our family in a few months. They never returned.
Two years ago, I looked up which ward I was supposed to be in and started attending without my husband. Ward boundaries were a bit messed up on the website, so I ended up going to a fantastic ward for about a year. The people in that ward were amazed and confused that we had been in their ward for 5 years and no one knew we were there or had been to see us.Then, I went to talk to the Bishop and clear up some things in my life only to find out that I was in the wrong ward. My son and I were both devastated. THAT ward was amazing; the people were all really nice, like a ward family should be; and my son had made several very close friends.
The Bishop put me in touch with the Bishop from our correct ward last May. I spoke with the bishop from that ward, and I was quickly introduced to a few people from that ward and told me how much “Better” his ward was than the ward I had just been in. No one from that ward wondered how we had been in their ward for 6 years without being noticed, but one member of the bishopric mentioned that our family had been discussed during bishop’s counsil that very day. That’s great that you’re aware of our family, but I’ve seen no one and nothing from the ward for nearly 6 years at this point.
We went back the next week. I was new and nervous, so I got to Relief Society early and sat in one of the seats by the wall. No one would sit within 3 seats of me. The next week, I went to the restroom before coming in and made an effort to sit next to one of the people from my Relief Society. She promptly got up and moved to another spot with an empty seat for her friend. Week 3, I just came in and sat not wanting to intrude on the obvious clique they had going on. Week four, my Relief Society pres and one of the counselors came and spoke to me about being new in the ward. I explained the whole situation to them both, and that is the last conversation I had with either. Occasionally, they will smile warily at me in passing, but no one says anything to me.
October of this year, I got into a car accident. Being 5.5 mos pregnant at the time of the accident really messed up my pelvic bones making it super difficult to attend church and sit through it. If I go for more than sacrament meeting, I’m in pain for 3 or 4 days after. I honestly don’t even know if many people from my ward even know I’m having a baby at the end of the month.
I have visiting teachers that were finally assigned to me two months ago. I have no home teachers to speak of. Any time there is a ward get together, like a BBQ, we get told it’s at So-and-so’s, but no one provides an address or even a street even when asked. Both myself and another member who is new to the ward have tried pressing for details, and we just get ignored.
My husband suffers from anxiety, which I have explained to our Bishop twice. It makes attending church, especially in an unfriendly ward, nearly impossible. He has tried attending with me twice since November, but he gets really upset and anxious during sacrament. He would like to bless our daughter once she is here, so he’s been trying to get in touch with the Bishop to do this. He has called the Executive Secretary several times and never reaches him. His calls are never returned, so he texted the Bishop yesterday. He was told that during the three hour block of church would be the best time to get a hold of the secretary and make an appointment. My husband replied that it was very difficult to attend the entire 3 hour block given his health issues. The Bishop never replied.
Today we attended sacrament meeting and were informed that the Bishop was out sick by his Second Counselor. OK, at least we can still talk to the secretary and make an appointment for when he is well. After Sacrament, we went to speak with the secretary, who the Bishop had assured us would be in, only to be told he was on vacation with his family.
I just feel like we’re the little family everyone has forgotten and no one cares about. I don’t feel like attending events outside of our Sunday meetings, even when I have the time off of classes, because I don’t feel like anyone cares. I feel like I’m the pet project of my visiting teachers, but they don’t actually bother coming to visit. We just chat at church occasionally. People got up in fast and testimony meeting today and were talking about how wonderful the ward family is, etc. I wanted to just get up and scream at them about how much it sucks and how bad they are at making people feel welcome.
I feel like this is somehow my fault, and that there is something I could be doing to get them to like me or at least include me. Just not sure what to do. I’m just tired of feeling forgotten and left out. To top it off, I’m feeling that my husband will simply stop trying to attend again, because the ward isn’t welcoming or friendly at all, and that’s the reason he quit going in the first place. I’m just tired of feeling resentment toward my entire ward, and I’m not sure what to do anymore. Any suggestions would be really helpful.
Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry you have encountered one of those wards, I was once in a similar ward. These situations are tough to deal with, but you have a couple options. If you consider the gospel more important than the church, you can continue to tough it out and go and worship (take the sacrament, etc.) and not be a part of the social aspect of being LDS since it’s lacking. Or, since you apparently don’t have a calling or anything, go ward shopping and find a ward you like and go there. You won’t get a calling or anything there but you can get social interaction along with your worship.
I can empathize with you Caiyah. I know all to well what it’s like to feel alone in a crowd. I’m also very familiar with self doubt, those feelings of “Is it me? It takes effort from both sides, am I doing my part? What else can I be doing?” It can be exhausting. I’ve been in wards where I felt a lot like a high school student moving to a new city. There were already several well established cliques and there was… me, by myself struggling to make connections.
I try to give leaders a pass. Life only seems to get busier and busier and church can quickly become “one more thing” for people. That can create a scenario where people fall through the cracks. It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can though. You are being proactive.
Without getting into too much detail, some wards follow a program where they hyper-focus on a few individual families to work with for a while and it could be that your family’s number hasn’t come up yet. I have no idea what it’s like in your ward, that’s just me looking for charitable reasons for your experience.
Before I said I knew what it was like, I’ll elaborate a little. I remember a particular transition from one ward to another where I felt like I had left my family and ended up in a place where I felt like a fish out of water. My solution was to occasionally revisit my old ward, maybe once every other month or something, so I could experience that feeling of belonging again. I don’t know whether you’d feel comfortable ignoring ward boundaries, that and you might start to feel like I did, that your home ward situation will only get worse if you aren’t there on some weeks. Trust me, I’ve got this anxiety thing locked down from multiple angles.
It sounds like you’ve tried the bishop and the relief society president. One other person to consider might be the ward mission leader (WML). That might mean the missionaries get involved but the WML can also be a pipeline into getting to know people in the ward.
I’m sorry to hear your experience. If anything it’s a testimony to the importance of home and visiting teaching. I hope things get better for you over time. You can always hang out at StayLDS, what many people here refer to as the island of misfit toys.
Hi Caiyah, I am sorry that I can not be a bigger help than words on a computer screen.
I do believe that those people that testify to the sense of belonging that they feel are being genuine. They are probably members of the clique and have most of their social interaction with other members of the ward. Nibbler is right that church is busy. I have found that one of the best ways to become integrated is to get a big calling that involves going to planning meetings with others. I am not exactly in a position where I want to dedicate myself to a calling just to help make connections and it seems that the health problems that you and your husband face would probably preclude that solution in your case as well.
My personal recommendation is to attend the ward where you felt connected. There will still be barriers (as you might not be permitted to hold a calling, have assigned VT/HT, or have easy access to bishop services) but if it makes you happy then go for it. If you go, I would probably make up some excuse about the location or the time of the services for the ward that you are avoiding being untenable for you. Maybe you could even pull the vague personal revelation card and say that you can’t quite explain it but you just have a feeling that this is the ward where you need to be at this time. I would not complain about the other ward because that might make people defensive and cast you as a “fault finder”.
Finally, I have found that some other area Christian churches offer much better children’s programs than our church does. Last year we went to Pioneer Club at the Church of Christ on Wednesday and Kid’s Town at the Assembly of God church on Sunday evenings (both of which are organized by wonderful paid staffers). We also attend a variety of Vacation Bible Schools put on by area churches over the summer break. My son just turned 8 and is now eligible to attend cub scouts. We had to choose Pioneer club or Cub Scouts on Wednesday and we choose cub scouts. The scouting program in the church is run haphazardly by volunteers but at least it is something. Part of my motivation for taking my kids to these programs (other than the free babysitting) is for them to develop friends, acquaintances, and other connections with people from a variety of groups. I hope that this helps my kids become more well rounded and not derive too much of their personal identity from the approval of any one clique/group.
You might want to look up and see if there is a “MOPS” (Mother’s of Preschoolers) organization in your area. As the name suggests it is designed for creating support and connections among the harried and sometimes overwhelmed young mothers with little ones. Our kids haven’t been preschoolers for some years but my wife is still on the Facebook feed and will go to their girls night out movie nights occasionally.
And of course we (at stayLDS) are always willing to be a sounding board for your thoughts and feelings.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I hope we can provide support to you. It is frustrating at times to deal with church and leadership and wards when things are not running good. It is amazing how much difference individuals make in a ward and in leadership. One thing that we discuss here often is to “own your own religion”…and that means lots of different things, but one thing is that the church is there for you and your family, not the other way around.
So…I think in multiple years of seeing certain behaviors in your “boundary” ward, and feeling connections with the ward close but just over the border…you decide what is best for you and your family.
It may not be worthwhile to explain yourself to others, or get their approval…simply, you’ve tried and you get good experiences in the other ward. Attend there.
Since your boundary ward doesn’t seem to by functional enough to care…then…it shouldn’t be an issue other than those who look at technicalities and policies. And you don’t need those things to govern your spirituality.
Go to the other ward for a while and see if it works for you. If it does, you just can prepare for how you might respond when leaders tell you that you are technically not allowed to be there. Because, I think most caring, Christ-like leaders will prefer you go to church where ever than to not go. And your son needs friends.
It is easy to say that, it is a bit harder when church tries to tell you what you can and can’t do. But, as with other areas of testimonies and struggles, there are times you need to do what is best for your family, not what others think is best for you.
Perhaps this experience also gives you some perspective on how you can reach out to others who likely feel the same as you, and make others feel welcome.
Hi, Caiyah – I’m glad you’re here and hope it helps. :wave: I can see why you feel as you do. Tough situation.I hooked up with a university-based “Moms and Tots” group when my kids were little. Three (non-LDS) women from that time became fixtures in my life, and one of them I still keep in touch with. We supported each other with babysitting, carpooling, meal co-ops, etc. I still had ward connections, but I really did most of my swapping with the other group. I don’t know what kind of town you live in, but maybe some of those opportunities are out there.
Pregnant and hurting with a second baby isn’t the greatest time for expending energy on networking, but I hope you get more support worked out before you’re due. Do you feel like there’s potential for real connection with either of your visiting teachers?
If empathy can strengthen you, you’ve got a lot of it here. I’m open to a private message conversation if there are things you’d rather not share so widely.
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