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I’m trying (desperately) to deal with my spiritual journey. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older. At this point in my life, all of my parents, aunts & uncles, my in-laws, some cousins, (2) BIL’s are dead. It makes me feel like I’m at the head of the line. I don’t feel much closer to understanding my spiritual journey than I did when I was in college. I don’t want to make this a long dissertation. Recently I’ve been reading the writings of Saint Francis of Assisi. He wrote the following analogy:
Quote:About my mother & father, the two of them have been wrestling inside of me for ages. This struggle has lasted my whole life…They may take on different names-God & Satan, spirit & flesh, good & bad, light & darkness–but they always remain my mother & father. My father cries within me: “Earn money, get rich, use your gold to buy property, become a nobleman. Only the rich and the nobility deserve to live in the world. Don’t be good; once good, you’re finished…my mother, her voice trembling within me, says to me softly, fearfully, lest my father hear her: Be good, dear Francis, and you shall have my blessing. You must love the poor, the humble, the oppressed.”
[paraphrased]
His point is that we are constantly moving from point A to B & back again. We are
alwaysin (spiritual) motion. C.S Lewis calls it “
the law of oscillation“: Sometimes we veer or oscillate toward our physical nature, sometimes toward our spiritual one. Like pendulums, we swing between the two poles of existence. This back and forth rhythm can be quite painful at times, making us feel as if we’re torn between the devil and the deep blue sea. How to reconcile our lusty desire for the things of the earth with our heart’s yearning for heaven? Our double nature keeps us on the move, never in one place for very long, continuously propelled by desires that clash and clamor for reconciliation, ceaselessly nudging us closer to where we need to go: God. (The back & forth motion makes me motion sick). To complicate the situation, we are connected to other people who are going through their own struggles. Family members, neighbors, co-workers, ward members & ward leaders. No wonder we have difficulty sometimes sitting through a Fast & Testimony meeting.
My question is: how do you keep yourself centered between the two worlds?
Or, do we recognize it for what it is & try to move forward?
I know that even though I wasn’t fully a TBM before my faith crisis, it did feel like there was a path – a course for life (even if I questioned it a bit). Since my FC I too have felt like rather than walking down a path, I have spent quite a bit of time at a fork in the road looking at each option and deciding. I am frustrated at myself a bit for my lack of decision making, but I also don’t want to make a rash decision.
I feel there are many things that I seem to vacillate between. That is something I agree with.
Minyan Man wrote:We are
alwaysin (spiritual) motion. [snip]
My question is: how do you keep yourself centered between the two worlds?
Or, do we recognize it for what it is & try to move forward?
My peace comes from accepting that statement..that we are in motion, and so…being centered is not a line or data point I keep myself on…but the average over time of where I’m at, oscillating back and forth while moving in the right direction [Insert Pres Uchtdorf airplane analogy on flight path here].I think in time my swings are less dramatic and extreme. Because whenever I am in full-engaged faithful mode…I know there will be a mode of doubt coming. And when I swing that way, I am more at peace and less in panic of doubting…realizing I have survived it before and will keep learning something form doubting stages that help me return and be faithful and believing still. And the church rolls on.
So…the last part is what I agree with….”recognize it for what it is and try to move forward”. That is wisdom. I tame my internal demons. On the outside I am a mormon.
Minyan Man: Thank you for sharing the paraphrase from Fransis de Assisi. The more I have learned of him, the more I appreciated his designated sainthood.
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