My journey of faith

I’ve been reading these forums occasionally for the last few years, as I’ve struggled with my faith. I’ve been an active member of the church for my entire life, served a mission, etc. Recently, I’ve had a transformation of my faith. I wrote an article, roughly in the style of an Ensign article, of my journey. It’s a bit rambly, but a few days ago I realized I should post it here, where it might do some good.

Some personal background, I recently got my PhD in mathematics and am currently a postdoc (temporary early-career professor) at UCSD. I grew up on the East Coast, went to BYU, served a mission, and went to grad school. I’m married, have two kids, with one on the way. The article should say the rest of what needs to be said. Here it is:

I spent many years training to receive my Ph.D. in Mathematics. As part of training, I learned to look closely at everything, take it apart, consider the underlying assumptions, and use those pieces to construct new, rigorous ideas. I also learned to pay particularly close attention to my doubts, as they very often led me to find mistakes in my reasoning that part of me knew were there, but that another part of me didn’t want to deal with. It was hard work, but I eventually succeeded.

This training, of course, spilled over into my religious life, where, in some ways, it was a blessing. Thinking deeply about gospel concepts, trying to understand God’s thoughts, how He works, and how it all fits together is a valuable exercise for everyone. My training allowed me to look deeper at the doctrines than I had been able to before. To me, the gospel fits together into a consistent, wonderful whole.

However, it also made me focus very deeply on my doubts. How could I not, when I had spent years discovering just how important it was to never ignore them? And the main doubt I had was the most basic one, and thus perhaps the very hardest. Does God even exist?

The argument against him is blazed around the world, particularly on the internet. “Why, if God loves us, is there so much evil, pain and suffering in the world?” Questions like that I knew the answers to, thanks to my gospel study. But others, I had no answers to. “How can we tell when answers are our own thoughts instead of inspiration?” and “If God sometimes answers yes and sometimes no, how is it not just chance and personal bias that makes us think He answers at all?” I became very good at explaining away any spiritual experience I had. It’s wasn’t that God couldn’t exist, but that it seemed impossible to be confident that He existed.

I have based my life around the gospel. It is a lot of who I am, but sometimes I felt I was living a lie. I felt like I was lying when I told my children that they were children of God, because I doubted He even existed. I saw that the Gospel brought people happiness, that it helped us improve our lives, but I found it difficult to accept the basic foundation of the faith.

I had always read my scriptures daily, but, in my desperation, I decided to greatly increase my scripture study and increase my time in daily prayer. After a month, I received my first answer. I was reading a fictional account of Sarah, Abraham’s wife. In this account, Abraham goes off to rescue his brother Lot from the army that attacked the city where Lot lived. Sarah (Sarai) is left at Abraham’s camp, to look after the rest of Abraham’s household. She is worried sick about her husband, attacking a much larger army.

She says, “And through it all, Sarai could not show her own fears and doubts, for she had to set an example of cheerful confidence and faith.

“Faith. She felt hypocritical, pretending to a confidence she did not feel. Of course, she could hear Abram’s voice in her head, saying that to give the appearance of confidence was an attribute of faith, for to behave as if you were certain when you had no certainty was to throw yourself into the hands of God, and encourage others to make the same leap.” (Sarah, Orson Scott Card)

I wept as I read that. That was something I could do. I knew that the gospel brings happiness, and so showing faith outwardly that I didn’t usually feel inwardly would help others, including my children, take that leap of faith.

This helped, but it did not resolve the underlying problem. How could I get faith? Why wouldn’t God give me faith, when I was trying my hardest to do all of the right things? But, of course, I was so good at explaining away experiences, that I couldn’t see how God could possibly make me feel something, give me an experience, that I could not doubt, as so many seem to say. How could that even be possible? There seems to always be a way to doubt.

One day, much later, I read Ether 12, for the dozenth time. However, this time, I finally understood Moroni’s description of faith. I realized I had been thinking about faith completely wrong. Moroni says that “faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.”

For years, I had been waiting for God to force faith upon me. I had, subconsciously, thought that God giving faith was the only real kind of faith, that faith was given externally, instead of being chosen internally. But that is wrong. Faith is a hope, and a choice. We can have experiences that help us have hope, or perhaps show us that choosing faith is a good thing. But God cannot and does not force faith on anyone, any more than He forces us to obey. Faith, even the kind that never doubts, is in the end a choice, and only a choice. Faith is not an external experience, pushed forcefully in on us. True faith is simply a choice to believe that God is and that He loves us.

Witnesses can come, but they only come after we have chosen to believe. And we can choose to believe no matter what.

The decision to choose to believe, no matter what, was still difficult for me. But as I pondered the gospel and its many wonderful fruits over the next few weeks, I knew what I needed to do. One Sunday, during the scarament, I finally made the decision to believe in God, no matter what.

I hope that someday I will receive a sure witness, so that my faith can turn to knowledge. But I am also aware that this may not happen until after this life is over. I cannot force God to give me a witness, as I tried to do for too long. But I will believe in God, and that He loves us, forever. I know that this choice will bring happiness to me and to those around me. I am glad for my educational training, which has allowed me a much deeper understanding of the gospel, even though I had to go through doubt to get there.

That’s the article. Hopefully that was helpful for you. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to ask!