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Hello! I’m a BYU student most likely studying English, although I am also contemplating Dietetics. Born and raised LDS, which was both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I found security in the church growing up and felt a lot of meaning in it. But when I started to question the church at age thirteen, this also completely pulverized everything I thought I knew and loved about life and made everything I once knew seem broken. Until that point, I thought I knew how the world worked and the LDS church felt much simpler to accept. Now I’m more aware that the LDS church is a complicated thing to accept and that no religion can be guaranteed true, which leaves me lost and very afraid of what the future holds. When I was thirteen, I developed a crush on my best friend, a girl, and realized I was gay. Several years later I would also connect some other things with having gender dysphoria, which also worsened my faith crisis. This was a shocking realization and sent me into a depression that first caused me a lot of guilt to be in the church at all, but then as I came upon anti-mormon articles online, also shook my faith substantially. I had lived in Utah all my life and was very sheltered: it never occurred to me that the LDS church could be untrue. Ever since then, I’ve gone back and forth between fully believing in the church and feeling like it can’t possibly be true based on historical/archaeological evidence, all the while with conflicting feelings about how to best respond to my sexuality/gender identity.
Then in college, I came in contact with other LGBT LDS members and have found two ways to approach it: some stay in the church and lead happy but difficult lives in mixed-orientation marriages/choosing not to transition and some accept the church but decide to live the LGBT lifestyle. And then some leave the church, which is understandable to me but I hesitate to do it when I still at my core believe in the church, despite opposing evidence. I have talked with people in all three of these boats, all of whom lead good lives, and feel like I am at a crossroads: on one hand, I have these feelings and would like to transition and find a relationship with the gender I’m attracted to. But I’ve dated a girl since starting college and while I feel that many LDS LGBT people would be better off following their feelings, it just made me feel more depressed and empty. Which was disappointing, but I suppose it’s good to know that now rather than idealizing what could happen if I only acted on my feelings. I would feel comfortable staying in the church and following its guidelines for LGBT members if I could just be certain that it’s true again, but I don’t have that faith anymore. It leaves me unsure what to do: I feel unhappy outside of the church, but insid it, I just can’t trust it anymore.
What keeps me in the church: a) for whatever reason, I still feel the spirit and feel that it’s true, despite everything that points to the opposite conclusion and b) without it, life seems really dark and meaningless–the promises of being with your family forever just hit too hard home and I don’t want to lose that. At the same time, though, I have read too much anti-mormon stuff and been disillusioned with too many of the church’s current standpoints (ie: that women can’t have the priesthood when many Christian churches ordain women, the exclusion policy affecting LGBT families) to connect it with the church I found h. The reason I joined this website was because it looked like a good support system for people who want to stay in the church but have a hard time doing so, which would be really comforting right now.
madasahatter, welcome to our little club. Your introduction was very interesting. Thank you for sharing. Being anonymous is a blessing & a curse. A blessing because we can share things about ourselves that
we can’t say in an open meeting like a sacrament meeting or a F&T meeting. A curse because we can’t
look each other in the eye, smile, shake hands or even hug.
You sound like you could be about the age of one of my grandchildren. I can’t imagine the bravery it took
for you to come out. Not to mention it was at BYU. I don’t have a lot to say right now. Keep coming back.
We would like to hear more from you.
I have a busy weekend and don’t have a long reply, but I do want to drop a line and welcome you. I am glad you have shared it is quite an interesting story. I hope we can be of some help. Welcome to the forum. It must be very difficult for you at your age and at BYU. We aren’t professional counselors, but we can offer you support on your journey. The church’s stance on gay marriage and treatment of gays in general hurts my heart. Those of us here cannot make any decisions for you, and I’m not even sure we can help you in making decisions that will surely affect the rest of your life (I’m pretty sure we can’t and shouldn’t). However, you can take the truth you find here and know that there are people here who do understand and who do care. I hope you find the peace you seek. Welcome and I’m glad you found StayLDS! I’m married and have children, but I have a lot of compassion and empathy for LGBT members of the Church. In fact, the recent “policy of love” has been a big factor in my faith crisis. I hope you will find comfort and support from us here. I look forward to hearing more from you and sharing your feelings with us!
Thanks! I appreciate that a lot and look forward to getting to know all of you as well. Yeah, the policy has been the hardest thing to accept lately–that’s what I hope changes quickest about LGBT relations with the church. It seems to do more damage than good. Hi, madasahatter – I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for trusting us with your story. Quote:Then in college, I came in contact with other LGBT LDS members and have found two ways to approach it: some stay in the church and lead happy but difficult lives in mixed-orientation marriages/choosing not to transition and some accept the church but decide to live the LGBT lifestyle. And then some leave the church, which is understandable to me but I hesitate to do it when I still at my core believe in the church, despite opposing evidence. I have talked with people in all three of these boats, all of whom lead good lives, and feel like I am at a crossroads: on one hand, I have these feelings and would like to transition and find a relationship with the gender I’m attracted to. But I’ve dated a girl since starting college and while I feel that many LDS LGBT people would be better off following their feelings, it just made me feel more depressed and empty. Which was disappointing, but I suppose it’s good to know that now rather than idealizing what could happen if I only acted on my feelings. I would feel comfortable staying in the church and following its guidelines for LGBT members if I could just be certain that it’s true again, but I don’t have that faith anymore. It leaves me unsure what to do: I feel unhappy outside of the church, but inside it, I just can’t trust it anymore.
While I certainly hope being here helps you, I also look forward to hearing about these issues from someone who actually grapples with them. Sometimes I wonder if I assume I understand more than I do.
Madasahatter: First, a virtual hug, and a very warm welcome to the forum.
Reading your post, it made me think of all the many zigs and zags in life. I wish at your age, someone had told me to “give yourself permission to take time to learn about you. Learn what makes you feel peace and joy. The real and true peace is quiet and has a feeling of contentment and truth — When your soul feels right with God and the world”.
It took me a long time to figure out what contentment felt like. I think I must be a slow learner in that area ..
I wish I had been told: If you have to make yourself do certain tasks in order to stay focused on a perceived state of religiousness, that isn’t about spirituality, that is about religiousness. Learn to know the difference. Prayer and scripture reading can help bring spirituality, but too often those actions get turned into a To Do List of religious zeal.
About your sexuality concerns. Sexuality is complicated. Don’t assume there are only two well separated points on the line. There are many points in between. Learn. Read. Learn about yourself. Marry no one until you know you are marrying them for all the right reasons for both of you. It would be unkind to your spouse to marry them as a societal cover. Remember: First of all, Do No Harm.
I shared an apartment at BYU with 3 girls. 2 roommates pushed their beds together — making it up into a King sized bed. One worked and supported both while the other one went to school, they were publically overly affectionate with each other. They acted like a couple. We assumed that they were. Then they both started dating men. They both eventually married men. I never could figure it out — but it wasn’t any of my business — so I just stayed out of it. Although that was unusual for BYU, I am told it isn’t so unusual in greater society.
Be kind to yourself, take things slow, and be slow to share with your peers. Some conversations are hard to take back.
Life has me running in three directions right now so I don’t have a lot of time to say much other than welcome to StayLDS. I’m glad you are here and look forward to hearing more from your perspective. Wow, what an intro. You are mature beyond your years and will need that for the tough path ahead. College and growing up are hard on anyone. I have a gay brother who graduated from BYU while in the closet. I graduated from there. I am now raising 5 kids on the MorCor. I am going through a FC in my 40’s. You get to deal with all that in a condensed time frame. I wish you the best. Know that there are wonderful people in your family, in your church, in your school, and wherever you turn. Be patient and real with people and you will find the depth and beauty in their relationships. You will have to forge your own path. Go slow. Trust in a higher purpose for it all. Families are eternal and love conquers all. That is true and dies not have to fit inside the LDS perspective either.
You are great and will do great things.
+1 to everything Malcolm Villager just said. Welcome. Church policy can really put people between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Welcome to the forum. I feel for your situation. But I don’t have any advice. I think you hit the three alternatives. I wish you the best as you figure out what is best for you and any people that are touched by your situation.
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