About to move

We did a 30 day church break about two months ago. Maybe we should take another little mini break when we move into the new house. We are making an effort to go to church these last few weeks in our current ward so we get a chance to say goodbye to people (plus it’s mother day, and then my daughter and I are doing a musical number), but I’m not in a terrible hurry to get into the new ward because we don’t really know anyone there. Our two daughters are still going to attend girl’s camp in the ward we are in right now. They are going to stay in the same school they are in, so they’ll still remain friends with all of the kids they currently go to church with.

It depends on where you are at in your journey but generally I’d take Minyan Man’s approach.

Another alternative, as I understand it MormonStories has a list of support communities. If there’s a support community in the area where you’re moving you might find people in that community that know the lay of the land.

Sounds like your current ward is a gem. Too bad you have to move!

I’m also with Minyan Man. Until you know your bishop and what others in your ward are like, it’s probably best not to say anything.

I have done this a few times. Once was when I tried to attend a Ward that I didn’t live in, and was successful for a long while. The other time was recently, when I went back to my home Ward with new leadership in many spots. Another was when I moved to America and the Ward didn’t know who I was.

Best approach, in my opinion, is to use the same approach special forces teams use — surveillance at first! Just go there and observe the Ward. Get to know its personality and its major players. It’s important to understand the culture and the habits of the Ward you are in. Also, see if you can find out what the Bishop is like — hopefully he will speak in Church, and you will get a feel for how hard he is. Good information might come from your friends you trust and who are not in the Ward and know the man; you could ask direct questions about what kind of a person/leader he is. This will help you understand the risks of what you share, in advance. Then you can strategize.

Eventually, a Ward leader will sit down with you for what I call a “fresh meat” conversation (I’m mostly kidding). Where they welcome you to the WArd, but also size you up for where you fit in the hive (kidding again). They will want to classify you and your wife as faithful TR Holders, or someone who will be a regular but perhaps not a pillar of hard work, or something less than that.

I do NOT believe you or your wife should come out about your unorthodoxy. Focus on what you can, or cannot agree to DO in the Ward after they put a choice in front of you. It may be uncomfortable NOT being nakedly yourself, and not being known for who you are, but I find it is better than coming out and finding you are on the out-list for the rest of your time in that Ward.

Simultaneously, find ways to build relationships with people in the Ward. This will depend on your personality, willingness to jump in and just help people, etcetera.

If you hold a TR then it’s easier, but if you don’t, then that will be a hard conversation. Wait until they bring it up — don’t volunteer the information. It’s best to assure the leadership sin is not a problem, share any glimmers of testimony, give vague hope, and then find a way of getting out of the conversation. I am assuming you are on the “options open” plan, and care about keeping your ability to do whatever you want in the church open.

Remember, your Bishop is judge, jury and executioner, so anything you share can and may be used against you in a TR interview.

Silent Dawning,

That is some good advice. I actually just go my TR renewed. My wife hasn’t had a TR in years. I think part of my challenge will just be laying low. I tend to be an outgoing and ambitious person. It’s very difficult for me to turn that off when in a new setting. Every time I’ve moved into a new ward (and we’ve done a lot of moving unfortunately), I’m the guy that goes around and introduces myself with a big dumb smile on my face and says that “I’m so excited to be here”. I give off a vibe of, ‘please, give me something to do’. And I’ve had all the callings that would lead someone to believe I need to be in a leadership calling.

I do like your idea about trying to get to know someone in a non-church setting. In our current ward, my wife and I went out of our way to set up non-church-related date night activities with large groups of people from our ward. We had lots of fun doing these. It helped us get to know people, and their personalities, and it helped them feel comfortable around us.

Hi everyone, I have an update on the move. We got moved in about four weeks ago. The first Sunday after moving, we went to our old ward as my daughter and I were performing a musical number. My wife and I agreed we would take a few weeks off from church. This was really getting to to me, as I would prefer we just attended. Yesterday evening, she could tell it was bothering me, and she offered that we should go to church today. So we did.

It turns out one of the clerks in our old ward ported our records over to the new ward already, so the Bishop read our records in at the new ward today. On top of that, I had four different people come up to me and let me know they know my dad. On top of that, our new stake president used to live right down the street from me when I was growing up and his wife used to be my piano teacher. Everyone was very friendly and I really felt right at home. It was actually really comforting.

I love this part of the church. I have an instant social connection with everyone. I can talk and make friends very quickly. I just have a super hard time with the hard core TBM black and white belief. Sunday School was absolutely atrocious. The gospel doctrine teacher was asking nothing by leading questions that strongly insinuated he was looking for a certain answer, and I didn’t really agree with most of what he was saying. EQ was half way decent. It started off pretty bad, but it got better.

This would be so much easier if there wasn’t such a strong expectation to be uber-orthodox.

Glad it seems to be working out and thanks for the update. I do agree that for the most part being a church member gives one an instant support and social system pretty much wherever one goes. There are exceptions, of course, and we occasionally run into “one of those wards” or “one of those bishops.” Sounds like you got pretty lucky.

Remember you don’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations, only your own. Be what/who you are comfortable being and what/who you think God wants you to be.