A Suicide

It is understandable that you are jolted. To feel otherwise would mean you are uncaring and have gone numb.

My first concern is for you to make sure you take care of yourself. If I recall correctly you are attending the Y. If so, seriously consider going to the counseling center. You don’t have to go there when you are at the end of your rope. They often can help well before then. From what I have heard, they do have a policy of not going and telling the honor code office about anything about your faith situation. I think I heard it is only like $5 or $10 a session. PM me if you can’t afford that I we can work something out.

I am very sorry when I hear stories like this. I mourn with those who mourn.

It is understandable that you are jolted. To feel otherwise would mean you are uncaring and have gone numb.

My first concern is for you to make sure you take care of yourself. If I recall correctly you are attending the Y. If so, seriously consider going to the counseling center. You don’t have to go there when you are at the end of your rope. They often can help well before then. From what I have heard, they do have a policy of not going and telling the honor code office about anything about your faith situation. I think I heard it is only like $5 or $10 a session. PM me if you can’t afford that I we can work something out.

Thank you for your concern. I actually didn’t attend BYU (and I graduated). I’ve also been seeing a counselor. I’m going to be okay. Thank you.

Do you feel more or less inclined to stay because of your age? I’m older and see little reason to hope for key changes in my lifetime. I’m interested to know how the thinking goes for a person who could reasonably expect some.

Ann, I guess that question opens up a huge can of worms for me. I don’t even know where to begin, and I don’t want to say something that will contract the purpose of this site, but I’ll try my best to answer your question. A while ago, I remember reading a blog post by a young Mormon feminist. She was writing about the challenges of being a millennial who is active in the “Mormon Feminist Community” and reflecting about differences she’d noticed between millennial participants and older participants. She said something along the lines of “I feel that many of the more established Mormon feminists don’t understand us millennials. Most of them have spent decades in the Church. They got married in the Temple. They sent their kids to primary. They have decades of bonding with their Mormon communities. Often, they’re hanging on through all the hard times, hoping they don’t finally get confronted with that one big reason to leave the Church. What they don’t understand, is us younger people, we don’t have those same experiences binding us to the Church. We’re often just looking for that one big reason to stay.” While I don’t necessarily say that’s the case for everyone, and I don’t want to generalize, I feel like that statement taps a truth for me.

I guess it all comes down to me and what will bring me fulfillment and happiness in my life. I have a whole life ahead of me and I want to do everything in my power to live in a way which will make me feel like I am being true to my values and who I am as a person. I want to contribute to the world in a way that is true to me. Increasingly I’m realizing, at least for this point in my life, that that’s away from the Church. I will say, though, even though I haven’t spent multiple decades of my life in this church, I still have a strong attachment. As a child and as a youth I was very devoted to the Church. It was my everything. Ward members would approach my mom and tell her “I was a spiritual giant” and I had a reputation for being “so strong.” There are also social ramifications and pain to my family members if I leave. This faith transition has been incredibly painful and I’m still emotional about the reality of the situation for me, but it is what it is. I could go on and on about how church history, and really all of the Church’s claims on authority have been undermined for me, but that’s not really the point. Even though sacrament meeting isn’t painful for me anymore, it’s not particularly uplifting, either. It just is. And the Church requires a lot to remain. And that’s a lot to give to an organization that doesn’t do much for me, spiritually. And even though my choice to distance myself from the church may hurt others in my life, I will do my best to minimize that hurt while also trying to live a life which will bring me fulfillment, because what I get back from my participation in the Church doesn’t cut it for me right now. I’m happier, and feel more at peace, when I’m emotionally and mentally away from the Church.

In regards to social issues: Church leadership has said it’s okay for members to have their own opinions about things that might conflict with what they preach as long as members aren’t out there “advocating.” I suppose I’m just the type of person who likes “advocating.” I just don’t want to risk having to worry about my spiritual community trying to muzzle me or shaming me or calling me in for a Bishop’s interview just because I’m trying to help people. For me, it’s fulfilling to talk about what I believe and issues of morality and to get involved in those causes. I like to be honest about these things. I have deep respect for people who stay in the Church to try to improve it from the inside and be there for those who are struggling, but I just feel like this will be spiritually exhausting for me to do for the rest of my life.

So the answer to your question…yes, I think my age does have to do with how I feel. I imagine if I had kids and had raised a family in the Church it would be quite different, but who knows? Maybe I still would be on my way out. I’m grateful I’m not in that position, even though having this happen at this point in my life has its own challenges. I guess I just don’t see the Church as a place that will allow me to be the best version of myself. At least, not right now it isn’t. I think there will be movement in regards to social issues in the church…eventually. The Church is in retrenchment mode right now. It’s hurting people and that devastates me. I don’t judge people who stay. I don’t judge TBM’s (some of the kindest, wisest people are). To each their own. At this point in my life, though, the Church is not the place for me to be a happy, fulfilled person.

My only question to you is: what do you mean by:

I can’t do this anymore.

In thinking back to that moment, it was me finally saying to myself, “I can’t just keep staying quiet about this.” I think I was referring both to keeping my foot in the LDS door and staying publically quiet about my true beliefs about gay rights. It’s difficult for me to watch my LDS friends and the LDS Church tell the world that they “mourn with those who mourn” and want to have a “compassionate view” towards members who are gay while drawing a very clear line in the sand that there is zero tolerance for homosexual partnerships/families, and then having church members support that line in the sand. I don’t speak out about these issues because I have Mormon friends who would be devastated if they found out my true views. I will probably lose friendships, or at least they’ll change. I’m a political person and I’m vocal about my political views, and yet, about gay rights, I’m much quieter. I can’t do that anymore. And I think I’m on my way to being more honest about my lifestyle and beliefs.

I guess I should also leave a disclaimer at the end of this. Even though I’m on my way to being “out” (at least for a period of time), I’m always going to be LDS, in a manner of speaking. This was the religion of my childhood. It brought me so much joy and peace. It’s a huge part of who I am. I love this Church. I’m going to be living in Utah with my family for a couple months–I will be attending church during this time. After I move out of the state, I’m not going to attend. Maybe I’ll miss the LDS community and come back. Maybe it will take me years. I don’t know. But again, I’m still going to be “LDS” in a manner of speaking. And I have no desire whatsoever to resign.

I can relate to much of what you said, other than I am an old fart.

I wish you luck in finding peace and fulfillment and minimal pain.

Please do come back and update us on how you are donig.

What they don’t understand, is us younger people, we don’t have those same experiences binding us to the Church. We’re often just looking for that one big reason to stay.” While I don’t necessarily say that’s the case for everyone, and I don’t want to generalize, I feel like that statement taps a truth for me.

University I appreciate your willingness to not assume it’s the case for everyone. It’s taken me years to do that. My kids are millennials. My oldest daughter could be considered TBM, but I see and hear nuances in her. I know many of those nuances come from her unorthodox parents, but I also see her searching and carving her own path.

She recently chose to get her own endowment. She has no plans to serve a mission and marriage is not a likely option either. When I pressed her on her decision she said it fits her feminism. She see’s herself like a modern day Eliza R. Snow or Louisa May Alcott (I know she wasn’t Mormon – it’s the generational reflection).

Last week as she sat in Sunday School discussing tithing she made it a point to bring up the LDS.org – History in context essay about tithing. In her mind she wants to be a leader to her peers about the church. I know she has other like minded LDS female friends.

I don’t know if she will remain connected forever, but I do see her yearning for the same fulfillment you are speaking of in all the aspects of her life, and working to honor the spirit that moves her within her religious community. As an older soul I wonder if you millennials will help to carve a big hole in some ancient rock both those who stay and those who leave.

Thanks for keeping an open heart. Please do keep in touch your energy is contagious here, you have good perspective we need. And as Ray always says, “May there be a road.”