Callings and Service in the Church…too much?

At what point am I enriching the lives of others while harming my own? I know there is some balance here but it seems like to find it you have to be one of those leaders who isn’t reliable and can’t be counted on.

Throw in cleaning the church, moving families, home/visit teaching, splits with missionaries, preparing for lessons, service projects and a dozen other things I’m probably not listing, when is it just too much? I really struggle with that at times. My life sometimes seems easier when I’m not going to church because there is so much less responsibility and honestly a lot of the time it makes me not want to go to church because of it.

I hear you. To answer the question, it’s too much when you think to yourself “this is too much”. Not after you consider the Standard Mormon Answers about why you should do it, but BEFORE. It’s when you find yourself being miserable doing the calling. When you wake up in the Morning and you are not at peace because of the things you are expected to do, that you DON’T want to do. I’m not saying you should always reject the task ahead of you — there are times when self-discipline prevails, duty prevails etecetera. But I really like what Steve Jobs said

if you find yourself doing things you don’t like too many days in a row, it’s time to make changes

Let your inner clock guide you. Set boundaries, and pursue your talents and passions. Find ways of serving others that is a true expression of your talents, your passions, your natural desires. Find those things you MUST do, because you want to And it doesn’t have to be in the church all the time.

The leaders, in my experience, don’t always appreciate it anyway.

Follow your conscience and don’t be afraid of loss of reputation, loss of respect from leaders or any externals when it comes time to assert yourself.

One thing I do NOT want my life to be when I get hit by that car, die of natural causes, etcetera, is that I spent my life doing stuff I don’t like.

At what point am I enriching the lives of others while harming my own?

That’s an excellent question. I think the answer is going to be different for everyone. It’s a concept I’ve struggled with. There was always this lingering doubt, is this really too much or am I just being lazy?

What if someone’s cap is the 3 hour block and nothing else? Do the church programs help push that person to grow or is attending 3 hours sufficient (or already too much) for some people? Sometimes people frown on what they call “Sunday only” Mormons but I believe the key to finding your own balance is to tune out what other people think about you.

I think many members have settled on the idea that everyone is supposed to participate in every program, whereas I’m starting to view the programs as opportunities that people can partake in if they so choose.

Service provides opportunities to connect with others. That can be good. Unless you aren’t finding value in those connections.

Honestly I’m not much of a people person and don’t keep many people close to me. If I never see 95% of the people I meet at church I’d probably never think about them again. The few that I become true friends with I forge strong relationships and they are more like family than friends. Those are the people I find value in and would drop anything to help out. When I disappeared and stopped going to church I could have written down a list of the few people that would reach out to me and actually care enough to see what’s going on and they did.

I did enjoy my calling with the youth. You got to see them grow and progress and you were able to see the impact you had on their lives. But after being in it for 5 years or so I think I was starting to get burnt out because it was just a constant stream of activities and meetings and it was so time consuming. I don’t know how some of these guys stay in scouting for 20 years and seem to live and breathe it. Kudos to them but I couldn’t do it.

I think part of the problem was I did do everything else. Cleaning the church, setting up chairs before church started, filling assignments to work on the church farm, etc. I probably should have backed off those things at least while I was serving with the youth. Maybe it’s just my time to step back and let others do it for awhile.

unsure,

Back away as soon as you feel overwhelmed. A great barometer of this is to ask yourself WHY you are doing something. If it is to check someone else’s box, then you aren’t going to get anything out of it. Others might, but you won’t. And service should be of mutual benefit.

When you talked about your dad being away and the loss your family experienced because of it, it reminded me of an old-time statement from Emily Partridge. She was a daughter of Edward Partridge. He had been a successful businessman in Ohio before joining the Church. Soon after being baptized by JS, he was called to be the first Bishop of the Church and spent the last decade of his life working tirelessly for the cause, before dying of illness in the early days of Nauvoo. Emily later wrote about the home they had once had in Ohio:

I remember the orchard that was in another block, and the pasture land that was down in the woods where we would go in a wagon to gather chestnuts and butternuts. I remember we had plenty to eat and wear and would sometimes ride in a spring wagon and I wore the sweetest pink calico dress that ever was, and little yellow shoes. Harriet had a pink dress too but not as pretty as mine (as I thought.) Well I think my father must have been almost a rich man when I look back and consider the amount of property he owned. But when “Mormonism” came, our home went. And I have never had such a home since.

With that in mind, I think it is absolutely right to set boundaries. IMHO, we should not sacrifice our own well being (mental, spiritual, financial) on the altar of faith. To do so works counter to the purpose of faith (“Men are that they might have joy”).

But, there is a vast middle ground where doing good is a blessing, not a curse.

Some words of encouragement about why service is a good thing: Our ability to do good in the world is one of our most important capabilities as human beings. It transcends our animal instincts. I think a useful exercise is to imagine what life would be like for you if you won a huge lottery and were suddenly fabulously wealthy. Of course you would binge-watch every movie in the theaters, order desserts in restaurants even if you were already full, buy premium gasoline at the pump, go on vacations and cruises until you were no longer sure where you even lived. But once the excitement settles down, what would you like to do with your life? Many people, when they become wealthy, find ways to help others. They create charities. They help the less-fortunate. They fund causes. One of the most giving philanthropists in history (if not THE most giving) is Bill Gates – a self-made multi-billionaire. If you find in your imagination, that you’d like to do good to help other people with your fabulous riches, then recognize that service and good-works are a part of your makeup. From there, look for opportunities to do the good you can without the lottery, but do it on your own accord. Even if you are asked to participate by someone else, say, at Church, then do it because you choose to accept, not because you were told.

One of the greatest elements of the Church, IMO, is that service is an integral part of it. LDS people are problem-solvers in the service arena, and I think that’s awesome. Yet, I do fear that the over-burdening of its members can exhaust our ability to give and to help. So much is expected of us that all of us, inevitably, reach a point where we are going through the motions and we lose the goodness that service offers to the giver. When that happens, it’s time to take a break and re-energize our reserves. At this stage of my life, I don’t to any service unless I choose to do so, and it makes a big difference in the feeling I get by doing it.

I have a very simple philosophy when it comes to service in the Church:

I am willing to do pretty much anything (with a few exceptions) I am asked to do, but my view is:

If they ask me, they get me.

By that, I mean that I can do only what I can do – and if that isn’t enough for someone, they can release me without me being offended or upset in any way.

The key is me being comfortable with me.

There’s a number of amusing stories that get passed around my area (I live in the Mormon belt) about highly involved Mormon men. These men who have spent a lifetime in service to the Church (Elders President, Young Mens President, Bishop, Stake President and beyond) as well as a lifetime in their professions (whatever that may be) suddenly find themselves in their late 60s and no longer working or serving as actively. And they drive their wives crazy. One story I heard was about one former stake president who after retirement would toddle after his wife around the house while she cleaned…and critique it. (I can’t imagine any Mormon wife…no matter how sweet-natured….putting up with that for long).

But more seriously, some men (and women) LOVE being so busy with these kinds of callings. Perhaps some do so because of inadequacies at home but I think most just enjoy interacting, socializing, leading and feeling the rewards that come from efforts in a good cause. But that is not how it is for everyone (certainly not the case with me). But that’s kind of the social norm. But I agree with what others have said: setting boundaries is not a sin nor is NOT “running faster than you have strength.”

Thank you for this thread on the forum. I have been burnt out for the better part of a year. I broke and asked to be released. I have since been asked to accept a new calling, which I did. Kind of regretting it now though and I haven’t even been officially called over the pulpit yet. I have decided to give it a shot and see how it goes.

Our family has always been the “ask and we are there” type family. I just am trying to walk a very fragile balance between staying and going.

Please do set boundaries, I wish I had set more. Do figure out what works for you. I don’t do multiple service opportunities anymore because it doesn’t work for me. I am also taking a back seat in everything and trying to find balance and joy in my life. These commenters seem to have great insight. If these service opportunities are making you depressed or filled with anxiety (in a bad way) then it’s time for them to go. Honestly, we’ve been finding other ways to serve in our community, like river clean up projects.