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All my life it’s seemed like everyone has treated me a little differently. Growing up with my Dad as Stake President I feel as if people didn’t want to be my friend or girls didn’t want to like me or date me for this reason. I think stuff like that is the reason I got into things like Pornography and Energy Drinks. Since I was 12 that stuff was going on, it was miserable. Now I’m 22 and I still kind of feel minuscule. I’m currently attending University and I will be the second of five kids to have an Undergrad degree once I get done in two years. But my older sister; she still treats me like I’m 12 sometimes. Like I got into an argument over gun control with some guy on HER Facebook post she posted and she told me to stop commenting. When I was really having a decent debate on the matter. i just feel as if some people don’t take me seriously in this world. I feel like I need to do something very extreme for someone to think I’m an adult or that I’m a serious person. Hell, just because I have a sense of humor doesn’t make me immature. This is one of the reasons I feel like girls haven’t fallen for me. That or I’m just ugly and weird, I don’t know. However, being down at University 100 miles away I do feel a little more like I belong at the institute down there and that I actually have somewhat of a chance. But I’m back up here in my hometown for the Summer and taking a Math course at my Community College then I go back down to Tucson this August. But being up here I’m being reminded of how awful of a place it has been for me. Sorry for my rantings.
Stop apologizing. You’re here for support like everyone else. Skimming through some of your other posts, it looks like (and you seem to know well enough) that you have some heavy self esteem issues. I know you probably push against it but it’s in your best interest to go see a counselor and work through things so that you can feel better about yourself. You need to have a change of mindset and sometimes that can be hard to do on your own. When you look around and you tell yourself that all you see is a dark cloud around you, guess what, that is all you are going to see. Others maybe won’t necessarily see that but they’ll sense it.
I believe that in a sense you can create your future through your thoughts. Constantly beating yourself up will never get you where you want to be. Turning to a forum like this might be able to help you to some degree but you need so see someone who can help you understand why you think and feel the way you do and how to change that.
Edit: I thought of this video when reading your post, not sure why, but I figured I’d go look it and share it. Sometimes it’s easier to make small changes in who we are (changes for the better) than to try and change everything around us to how we want it to be.
I agree — I remember having similar self-defeating thoughts when I was a YSA decades ago. If I were you, I would go to a counselor and not be ashamed of it. They can help you see where you might adjust your thinking. And if your experience is like mine, you can often leave those visits feeling liberated from self-defeating thoughts. Regarding family and others reflecting a negative “social mirror”. I had to distance myself from them in that respect. I learned to get into situations where that social mirror did not exist. With people who were only getting to know me for the first time.
I still had connection to my family, but not the kind of close connection some families have. The social mirror was too disturbing to me, and largely untrue as I matured. What was true I did NOT need to be reminded about. Family will often hold your past behavior, or their past association with you against you forever. Their perceptions can be very hard to change. So, it’s about finding new situations. I think the fact you are back at home is part of the reason you might be feeling this way. This will pass, as summers go by quick.
I would also look at reading ‘Getting to know the real you” by Ellsworth and Ellsworth. If you can get past the title of the book (that tends to alienate people, that title) it helped me find sources of self-esteem and to change my thinking. It also helped me recognize when I was trying to get self-esteem from the wrong sources, and to change it.
willb, I’m sorry for what you’re feeling & experiencing. There is only so much a site like staylds can do for you. I agree with others that have added their posts.
I would suggest some form of talk therapy and a support group.
Both have helped members of my family & friends. Taking the 1st step is the hardest part.
I wish you the best.
Not to pile on, but you have had some good advice. Counseling can be wonderful, and sometimes it is critical. There might be some undiagnosed depression (or something similar) that could require medication, at least for a while as you work on coping mechanisms.
There is NOTHING wrong with seeking help in these ways. We don’t live in the Dark Ages anymore, and nobody would dream of telling my diabetic son not to take insulin because more faith will cure his diabetes. (Okay, some nut jobs would, but they are nut jobs.)
willb1993 wrote:However, being down at University 100 miles away I do feel a little more like I belong at the institute down there and that I actually have somewhat of a chance. But I’m back up here in my hometown for the Summer and taking a Math course at my Community College then I go back down to Tucson this August. But being up here I’m being reminded of how awful of a place it has been for me.
I’m more aware of homecomings not all being happy or comfortable now that my kids are in this stage of life. I see what things make it hard for them to go back and forth between their solo adult life and life in their “village.” It’s not easy. I hope you can spend the majority of your time in the place and with the people who are healthy for you. Good luck.Will, I’m pretty sure the University of AZ has counseling and therapeutic services available for students at very inexpensive rates. UofAZ has a very good psych department as well as a top medical school, so there are usually several interns and grad students looking for supervised therapeutic opportunities. Win win. I agree that everyone can benefit from psychological help someone in their lives. Maybe this is your time. Check with the University.
Please don’t misunderstand this, but . . . maybe you don’t “belong” at home anymore. You have to be there temporarily, due to being a college student and not fully on your own, but maybe it really isn’t your own “home” anymore. Also, before you turned 18, legally, you did belong to your mother in a real way; now you don’t. My wife and I have had college-age children come home for short periods of time. Our fifth child just graduated from high school, after being away from us for her senior year, and it has been a bit awkward for her and us. We live in ND; she graduated in NV. She has no friends here; she has no job here; she will be leaving in a month to move into an apartment in UT until she starts school in the fall.
If you realize things have changed and you are home only temporarily (that you don’t belong there anymore, and that you don’t belong to your mother anymore), maybe that awareness also will help.
I agree with Ray…I remember going home when I was in university. It wasn’t uplifting. None of my friends where there, and if they were, they had developed other interests. The social networks weren’t the same. My room had been taken over as an office but it had a bed in it that I slept in. It was kind of like seeing that band you loved when you were in your early teens. They broke up, and got back together. Now they have aged, can’t sing like they used to, and it’s a letdown. I had the same feeling when I went back to my mission with my wife. I walked into a chapel and the Relief Society was having an activity. I had eaten dinner at many of their houses more than once and still remembered many of their names. They all looked at me blankly “can I help you???”. All the investigators I’d taught were either inactive or had moved and no one knew about them.
I left rather deflated.
So, it’s time to get into a new situation, or develop new networks in your current situation….this will pass, but I think counseling will help.
I am the youngest of 5 kids and I can relate to being seen as the little brother. You are at a time in your life that is very awkward. You have not yet proven yourself by making your way out in the world and there is loads of anxiety about that career and financial stuff. You are also lonely and want to be validated, accepted, admired by your peer group and particularly by the females in your peer group. I have been there.
If I were to go back in time to say something to my younger self, it would be “You have much to offer a special woman of your choosing.” My younger self is the “ugly duckling” awkward exterior that hides the value underneath. There may be other messages better suited for other young people – but for the younger me, it would be most helpful to know that I am a worthwhile person and would be a “good catch” of a committed intimate partner (spouse).
I wish you the best on your journey.
Roy wrote:You are at a time in your life that is very awkward. You have not yet proven yourself by making your way out in the world and there is loads of anxiety about that career and financial stuff. You are also lonely and want to be validated, accepted, admired by your peer group and particularly by the females in your peer group. I have been there.
Right, and you may be learning “who you are”. I know that sounds trite, but I didn’t know what my natural talents were, my life’s work, or any of that until I was 30. Only then, by bouncing off different situations did I find out “who I was”. Be patient with yourself. Try to enjoy your surroundings and the freedom you have in your life at this point, your probably lack of need for a lot of money to survive, and lack of responsibilities for other people. It seems like dream to me now, when I see my daughter packing up everything she owns in a suitcase and happily going off to a new living situation at college soon.
Try to adopt an attitude that “all the things that I am anxious about aren’t impairing my ability to live, enjoy life today.” Enjoy this time…
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