Long time reader, first time commenter

Welcome, thanks for sharing your story, I imagine you will get plenty of advice. I won’t start any here. I just want to say hi and that we are always happy to have new friends.

I was wondering the same thing as I read your opening post, as to what you mean by not knowing how to be Christlike.

For me, I get why some people might feel that way — even though I am curious about your version of it. For me, I find our focus on furthering THE CHURCH often gets in the way of being Christlike. For example, Bishops are so busy as volunteers they don’t have time to care. There was a lady who once told me how much warmer and kinder a man was after he was released as a Bishop. She said “I guess it’s easier to care about people when you don’t have to care about EVERYBODY”.

I remember once stopping helping a member move when I was a missionary because “we had goals to achieve”. I remember, as a leader, losing interest in people after it became clear they weren’t going to be able to serve very much in the church, or if they were a perceived drain on my already busy schedule. I find it’s easier to care about people when you have free time.

I am impressed you’ve been checking in daily for two years. Wow! What is it that prompted you to finally post? What kept you coming back, day after day?

I will say this — a common thread I hear among people who land here is they want to be cared about. I don’t mean that in a negative sense. It is a reality that you want to feel you are part of a community that cares. I think that is nearly universal, or at least, part of what a LOT of people want. I know I want that. A particularly hard part of my church experience was leaving a high profile calling before I was released, and feeling ostracized. It was so hard not feel used, and almost like an employee.

This evening I went out with some past members of our Ward. Younger people, well educated and highly intelligent. I was socially engaged the whole time even though we spent most of the time standing around a place where one of the babies had thrown up so people didn’t slip on it. It was like standing around a campfire with good friends. We were at a major theme park, and we might as well have been in the middle of the desert, and I would have enjoyed it just as much. Having that social connection was critical to the whole experience. I realize I am not asocial, just not engaged when I feel I don’t belong.

Maybe I hit on some of the things you are experiencing, maybe not, but I’d like to hear your thoughts and elaboration…

I know that I’m supposed to be Christlike, but I don’t know HOW to be Christlike. I don’t know what that looks like.

I think I know what you mean. I can’t speak for you but I can share what I feel is a similar experience. If everyone doesn’t mind I’m going to remove my filter for a while.

To me it feels like lessons at church focus on the what at the expense of the how. Lessons seem to be more preoccupied with relating a common definition of something or a particular factoid related to church history or policy and less focused on how we implement Christlike principles in our daily lives.

I feel that the façades we tend to put up while at church prevent us from talking about the gospel hows. It’s hard to have a real conversation about real struggles to live gospel principles when doing so potentially reveals “weakness” and can have an impact on our social standing in the group. By the way, this isn’t unique to the church, it’s a very human thing in all walks of life. There are the occasional rare moments during lessons where the rubber meets the road but for the most part we shy away from revealing our weaknesses and reaching out to the community for help. There’s a status to think about. For (an extreme) example, one might think, “How would openly discussing my struggles to reign in my swearing affect my chances to become the Relief Society General President one day?” It’s a silly example but I think one thing that affects our ability to have open discussions is the nagging fear of how it will affect our social standing in the church. We don’t want to talk the hows, they reveal weakness.

Lessons about gospel principles typically follow an established formula, define the principle, maybe talk about the punishment for not obeying, talk about the blessing for obeying, share a few scriptures, and share an example. In a lesson about charity we ask “What is charity?” and one of several things happen. 1) People share their definitions of charity and the teacher keeps asking until someone finally says “the pure love of Christ.” at which point the lesson moves on. 2) No one says anything and after a sufficient timeout has occurred the teacher says “the pure love of Christ” and the lesson moves on. If we have not charity we are nothing. Enos prayed for the Lamanites. The bell just rang twice. Testify. The end. So now I know that charity is the pure love of Christ, charity is good, and that I should have some… but how?

I’m picking on charity but the Gospel Principles manual actually does include some good points on how to develop charity if the teacher chooses to make that the focus. I was just trying to relate lots of my experiences in classes. Define, scare into obedience, tease into obedience, invite to obey – with very little idea of how a principle might come alive in my life. Sharing stories about Enos is one thing but in my opinion sharing stories within our community is much more powerful. Enos prayed for the Lamanites. So what? Do any of you have an old sofa they’d like to donate to this refugee family living right down the street?

Then there are the lessons about church dogma, ensuring we all know what priesthood keys are or the particulars that prove the church was restored. I don’t find much practicality out of those types of lessons and they seem to make up the lion’s share of the lessons that are taught in my area.

What’s missing in all of this is the role I play as a participant in the classes. I can break down my façade. I can expose my weaknesses and risk my dream of becoming the General Relief Society President . I can talk about how I struggle with the hows and ask the class for help, even as a student. I can mention the refugee family down the street. Usually I keep to myself though. Maybe that’s the weakness that I need to expose, how do I add my voice to the lessons that are taught at church?

But lately, the last few months, I have been feeling that what I do doesn’t matter.

I understand that feeling as well. It’s tough when you feel like you go unnoticed whether you attend every possible meeting or whether you attend none of them.

So, I am not learning anything at Church, or being spiritually strengthened, nor do I have a place where I can be schooled in acting Christian. In other words, I feel like the Church isn’t doing a good job of being a church, and because of that I don’t see the point in being involved there any more.

I’ve been mostly negative in this post, I did warn that some filters were coming off, but I felt it was important to let you know that other people understand how you feel. I think one thing that helps me stay engaged at church is telling myself that some days I need to be at church to grow, other days I need to be at church to help it grow. I realize that sounds boastful, maybe even blasphemous, but sometimes we all need a little help.

At any rate, welcome to StayLDS.

Welcome to the forum, I’m glad you introduced yourself and look forward to your contributions.

I know exactly what you’re talking about with people not visiting when you don’t go to church. The same thing happened to me when I stopped going, I can count on one hand the number of people who interacted with me during that time – and no “leaders.” There are several others here who have experienced the same type of thing. Since my return to church I make it much more of a personal experience and don’t particularly concern myself with what others are experiencing. My relationship with God (such as it is) is mine and is not dependent on the church or others.

I don’t know if the church teaches us how to be Christlike or not. I do know some very good, very Christian people in the church and I know some who I don’t think are very Christlike at all. The same can be said for people outside the church. Maybe being Christlike is something we have to figure out for ourselves.

Weaselgirl, welcome. Keep contributing. Keep coming back.

Welcome, and thank you for sharing your story. I can identify with many of those feelings.

I know that I’m supposed to be Christlike, but I don’t know HOW to be Christlike. I don’t know what that looks like.

I separate out many things from church and gospel, or church and christlike. If you have been going to church for decades despite not feeling you really fit in or the ward isn’t reaching out to you…that is christlike in my opinion.

Give yourself a lot of credit for the good things you do, and the foundation you’ve given your kids. Allow yourself to take a break when you need it. You can take a personal approach to draw nearer to God in whatever way works best for YOU and your family.

I think sometimes God wants us to know that the church is a good effort by lots of people…but it can’t replace the journey we all need to take to find ways to draw closer to Him and find ways to define our faith to make it be truly ours, despite how it fits in with others and their faith.

Others may not understand that until they walk that. There are many here on this forum that do understand you and know you are just fine, just as you are. If you and your husband find ways to make it work, and it brings less stress and guilt so you are more open to the spirit, and more open to life and what you need in life (not just what church makes you feel you should be), you are on the right path. Allow yourself to worship how, where , and what you may.

Of course, with leadership changes, the ward may be very different, some people may come into leadership and reach out to you and make you feel more missed. Or they may not. Either way…the church is always there for you to go back when you feel something missing and want to serve, or if you feel just fine with just sacrament meetings.

God looks at what kind of person we are becoming. For some, the church is the blueprint for what to do and is the lifestyle they fit in. For others, there is a different path. Either way…it is about how our hearts are drawn to god and others. It is a church of love, not a church of fear.

I like many of the comments already above on this thread…it really goes to show how many people really share your feelings. Many adjust expectations, like it sounds like DA has done. And many times, that is good..because it is actually adjusting expectations to the reality out there, instead of the way we think it should be or needs to be or hope it to be. The church is what it is. People in the church are good people trying to live the teachings, just as you and I are. Some just find they fit in more than others. It’s ok to have an orchestra of various viewpoints. Hence the prism in my avatar. One source of light and truth, but refracted to reach various people in different ways in different colors. Not one is right. Conjunctive faith is embracing all as right. Embrace paradox. I’m sure you’ve read all this in the past years you’ve lurked here…just reiterating what I believe. Thanks for letting me. It helps me when I share and when I learn from others.

I look forward to learning more from you and your posts. Thanks for joining the conversations.

Yeah. I’m kinda on round 2 of trying my best to be the member I want others to be.

I have taken a lot of what I’ve read here over the years to heart, and I honestly think as I have put it into practice it has helped.

BUT. I am from a teeny tiny ward in Utah. I have lived there for well over a decade. And we were fully engaged with callings and stuff. Still are.

And I’m not blaming people so much as I am pointing out that there is a systemic problem in the Church in how we treat each other. These people are my neighbors. Literally. And it my be a function of my personality that people are just repelled, but my husband is nice. 😆

This is just my complaint for right now. I’m sure I’ll feel moved upon to talk about other stuff.